Jokes!!

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sLg
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(have a lobotomy)
Click to expand...
I've seen these two, and thought something similar. On the airline nuts, I thought it was more of a joke than anything else, but I couldn't figure out what they were talking about on the Christmas lights.


sLg
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
Click to expand...
What gets me about messages like this is that, in order for the message to be put on the product, someone actually had to do it first.
 
A young man, fresh out of university, is going through Kenya when he comes across an elephant. It's standing up against a tree, with one of its feet raised in the air. Curious, the man approaches very carefully, and finds that the reason for the elephant's discomfort is a thorn the size of the man's thumb embedded in the sole of its foot. Deciding that this is his chance to do a good deed, the man tries to prise the thorn free, but it's stuck. Face with no other option and not wanting the elephant to continue to suffer, he takes out his hunting knife and very carefully digs the thorn out. As soon as its out, the elephant rather gingerly tests its foot, gives the man a look and trundles away. Feeling pleased with himself, the man continues on his trip through Kenya.

A few years later, he has taken a position at a zoo and has forgotten all about the elephant in Kenya. However, on his first day feeding inside their enclosure, an elephant seizes him with its trunk and driving him head-first into the gap between the railings around the encloure and starts violently twisting and turning him about, breaking almost every bone in his body. The man unfortunately dies of his injuries.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.
 
... I don't get that one either?

Following the approval of Viagra by the UK's health authorities,
the first shipment arrived yesterday at Heathrow airport,
but was hijacked on the way to the depot.
Scotland Yard has warned the public to be on the lookout for a gang
of hardened criminals.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says,"No way. I don't think you can pay for it."
The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I
show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me
a drink?"
The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque."
"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a
hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the
bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key
boardand starts playing some Rolling Stones tunes. And the hamster is
really good.
The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that
before. That hamster is truly good on the piano."
The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.
"Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender.
The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the
frog on the bar and the frog starts to sing like Mick Jagger. He has
a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer.
A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and
offershim $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the
three
hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the
bar.
The bartender says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a
singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be
crazy."
"Not really", says the guy. "The hamster's a ventriloquist."
==========
This guy goes into the bar Friday night and orders three beers, in
fact every Friday night he goes into the bar and orders three beers
and drinks them all by himself. Three beers...every Friday night.
Not 2. Never 4. Always 3. Well, the bartender can't figure this
out.Without fail this guy comes in.
The bartender finally says to the guy "Every Friday night you come
in here and have three beers. There must be a story to this. You
never order 2 beers, or 4 beers, always 3."
The guy says "Yes there is a story." You see, me and my two buddies
always went out for a beer on Friday night when we were in Vietnam.
One night while we were drinking we decided that we could continue
doing this when we return to the states. We also decided if one of us
didn't make it the other two would drink the third ones beer. And if
two didn't make it, the third guy would drink the other two beers.
The other two didn't make it back so I'm drinking theirs."
The bartender felt bad. Well, the next Friday night the guy came back
into the bar as usual but only ordered two beers. The bartender
couldn't believe it. Friday after Friday this guy now orders only two
drinks.
This went on for some time and the bartender was so puzzled he just
had to ask the guy about it. The bartender says to him, "I noticed you
have only been ordering two beers for the last few weeks. There has to
be a
story here."
The guy says, "Yes indeed there is a story. You see I joined the
Mormon church and I can't drink beer any more."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>Beer Troubleshooting
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
__________________________________________________
An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a
construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of
sand and says to the Italian guy, "Your're in charge of sweeping,"
to the Irishman, "you're in charge of shoveling, and to the
Chinese guy, 'And you're in charge of supplies.
"Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to
make a dent in that pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, and when he returns,
the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you
sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies, "I didn't have a broom. You said the Chinese guy
was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and I couldn't find him."
So then the foreman turn to the Irishman and asks why he didn't
shovel.
The Irishman replies, "I couldn't get myself a shovel. You left the
Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I couldn't find him."
The foreman is really pissed off now, and storms off toward the pile
of sand looking for the Chinese guy.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand
and yells "SUPPLIES!
__________________________________________
Imagine if instead of cryptic, geeky text strings, your computer produced
error messages in haiku:
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask far too much.
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
___________________________________________
This is a small assortment of the best 0r worst of -
Hennie Youngman

Insults
If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

Drunk Jokes
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here
for drinking." The drunk says "Okay,
let's get started."
Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial
goes to 60. The drunk says "Huh. I lost 100
pounds!"

Wife Jokes
Take my wife, please!
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a
week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little
wine, good food..... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

Airline Jokes
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New
York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We
can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"
I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still
confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When
I go to bed, I feel hungry.

Doctor Jokes
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so
he gave him another six months.
My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!"
The patient says "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do
I stand?" The doctor says "That's what
puzzles me!"
"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says "Limp!"
Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get
pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual
way, a little wine, a little dinner...."
A man goes to a psychiatrist "Nobody listen to me!" The doctor says
"Next!"
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy" The man says
"I want a second opinion!" "Okay,
you're ugly too!"
Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped
dead right as he was leaving the office".
Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."
_____________________________________________________
Prison Vs. Work
IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON you get three meals a day.
AT WORK you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for
it.
IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK you must carry around a security card and unlock and
open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON you get your own toilet.
AT WORK you have to share.
IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work
required.
AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and
then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for
prisoners.
IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars from
the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go
inside bars.
IN PRISON there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK they are called managers.
==========
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
_____________________________________________________________
The Goat
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this really big,
deep hole.
"Wow.. that looks deep!" "Sure does. Toss a few pebbles in there and
see how deep it is." They pick up a few pebbles, throw them in, and
wait.....no noise. "Doggone, that is REALLY deep... here throw one
these big rocks and see how long it takes." Again, there was no
noise after throwing in the rock.
"Look over here, there's a railroad tie in the weeds. Lets throw it in,
its gotta make a noise." The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and
heave it in. Not a sound from the hole.
The two stand there, amazed, when suddenly, out of nowhere, a goat
appears, running like the wind.
It rushes straight toward the two men and then past them, running as
fast as its legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps into the air and into
the hole. The two men are astonished by what they've just seen.
Then out of the wood comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
"Hey .. you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did! The darndest thing we've ever seen. Came running
outta nowhere like crazy and just jumped right into this hole!"
"Nah", says the farmer, " Couldn't have been my goat. My goat was
chained to a railroad tie."
__________________________________________________________________
COMPUTER PROBLEMS!

1. Describe your problem:
______________________________________________________
______________________________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
______________________________________________________
______________________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
______________________________________________________
______________________________________________________

4. Problem severity:
A. Minor
B. Minor
C. Minor
D. Trivial

5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up ___
B. Frozen ___
C. Hung __
D. Strange Smell __

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes __ No __

7. Is it turned on? Yes __ No __

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes __ No __

9. Have you made it worse? Yes __

10. Have you had a friend who "knows all about computers " try to
fix it for you ? Yes__ No__

11. Did they make it even worse? Yes __

12. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

13. Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe __ No__

14. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__

15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes__
No__

16. If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself:
______________________________________________________
______________________________________________________

17. What were you doing with your computer when the problem
occurred?
______________________________________________________
______________________________________________________

18. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were logged
in:
______________________________________________________
______________________________________________________

19. Are you sure that you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

20. Does the clock on your VCR blink 12:00? Yes__ What's a VCR__

21. Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'? Yes__ No__

22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes__
No__

23. Do you have any electronic products that DO work? Yes __ No__

24. Is there anyone else that you could blame this problem on?
Yes__ No__

25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes__ No__

26. Is the machine on fire? Yes__ Not Yet __

27 Can you do something else instead of bothering me? Yes__



And finally...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_A._Jackson
Not a joke, but I'd seriously 🤬 bricks if I had a professor or sherrif named Michael Jackson. :scared:
 
I like that. It's in the vein of my "How joke feed lines actually end up in the real world" from very, very much earlier in the thread. Edit: No, a completely different thread.

Also,

A General Practictioner, a Psychiatrist, a General Surgeon and a Pathologist go duck hunting. They're wading through the reeds *quaaaaaaaaaaack* when suddenly a flock (flock?) of ducks flies up in front of the GP.

The GP raises his shotgun, aims, thinks about it for a second, hesitates and lowers his gun again. The other three guys are baffled.

"Well... I wasn't sure that they were ducks..." says the GP.

So they continue to wade through the reeds *quaaaaaaaaaaack* when suddenly a flock of ducks flies up in front of the psychiatrist.

He raises his shotgun, aims, thinks about it for a second, hesitates and lowers his gun again. The other three guys are just as baffled (including the GP).

"Well... I wasn't sure that they were sure that they were ducks..." says the psychiatrist.

Still they continue wading through the reeds *quaaaaaaaaaaack* when suddenly, you guessed it, a flock of ducks flies up in front of the general surgeon.

The surgeon raises his shotgun, and just starts blasting hell out of the sky. If it's moving he shoots it - he's running out of shells and the shotgun is steaming down the length of the barrel. He turns to the pathologist and says...




"Were they ducks?"
 
Heh, I've heard that one before, but with the characters of House in place of the doctors. House himself is naturally the one who shoots.
 
There's a young lad, lives in a massive mansion sized house, with massive garden, train track at the bottom, high fences, loads of big trees, lots of grass, stream to one side, little bridge, loads of land to the front and sides etc.

Anyway, he's got three bricks. One is yellow, one is red and one is blue.

He sits on the floor with these three bricks in front of him, yellow, red, blue.

He picks up the first brick, the yellow one. He weighs it in his hand and throws it in the air, directly up above himself...


...it goes the height of the house. Amazed, he catches the brick and puts it down.

He then picks up the second brick, the red one. He weighs this brick in his hand and throws it in the air, directly above himself...


...it goes twice the height of the house. Absolutely astounded, he catches the brick and puts it down.

So, this young lad decides to pick up the blue brick. He weighs this brick in his hand and then throws it in the air, the same as the other ones, directly above himself...


...the brick disappears.
 
I don't get it....

The Goat
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this really big,
deep hole.
"Wow.. that looks deep!" "Sure does. Toss a few pebbles in there and
see how deep it is." They pick up a few pebbles, throw them in, and
wait.....no noise. "Doggone, that is REALLY deep... here throw one
these big rocks and see how long it takes." Again, there was no
noise after throwing in the rock.
"Look over here, there's a railroad tie in the weeds. Lets throw it in,
its gotta make a noise." The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and
heave it in. Not a sound from the hole.
The two stand there, amazed, when suddenly, out of nowhere, a goat
appears, running like the wind.
It rushes straight toward the two men and then past them, running as
fast as its legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps into the air and into
the hole. The two men are astonished by what they've just seen.
Then out of the wood comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
"Hey .. you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did! The darndest thing we've ever seen. Came running
outta nowhere like crazy and just jumped right into this hole!"
"Nah", says the farmer, " Couldn't have been my goat. My goat was
chained to a railroad tie."
Click to expand...

Brilliant mental image of that :D
 
Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline!

If you are obsessive compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.
-----------------------

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."
-----------------------

HOW NOT TO ROB A BANK

Pick The Right Bank:
You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money.

Study Your History:
Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang.

Nobody tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down. They're tight with their dollar, those Minnesotans.

Speak To The Right Teller:
One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.

Don't Sign Your Demand Note:
Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh... on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit. And in East Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number.

Don't Advertise:
A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her face by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up banks.

Go Easy On The Disguise:
One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively identified by lip-print.

Take Right Turns Only:
Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.

Be Aware Of The Time:
Imagine the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic
until police arrived.

Consider Another Line Of Work:
Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly.

Be Strong:
Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His getaway car parked nearby had the keys locked inside.
 
TB
HOW NOT TO ROB A BANK

Pick The Right Bank:
You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money.

Study Your History:
Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang.

Nobody tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down. They're tight with their dollar, those Minnesotans.

Speak To The Right Teller:
One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.

Don't Sign Your Demand Note:
Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh... on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit. And in East Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number.

Don't Advertise:
A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her face by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up banks.

Go Easy On The Disguise:
One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively identified by lip-print.

Take Right Turns Only:
Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.

Be Aware Of The Time:
Imagine the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic
until police arrived.

Consider Another Line Of Work:
Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly.

Be Strong:
Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His getaway car parked nearby had the keys locked inside.
Click to expand...

:lol:
 
One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively identified by lip-print.
Click to expand...
:lol:

Ever seen "Take The Money And Run" by Woody Allen?
 
Touring Mars
:lol:

Ever seen "Take The Money And Run" by Woody Allen?
Click to expand...

I have, great movie.


(Bank tellers looking at note)
"Bank Teller #1: Does this look like "gub" or "gun"?
Bank Teller #2: Gun. See? But what does "abt" mean?
Virgil: It's "act". A-C-T. Act natural. Please put fifty thousand dollars into this bag and act natural.
Bank Teller #1: Oh, I see. This is a holdup?"

From,
Chris.
 
A guy is waiting to catch a train. The train arrives and he gets on, finds himself a nice seat and settles down for his long journey with a book and a cigar (this was back when you could smoke on trains...)

At the very last minute, as the train doors are about to close and the train is about to depart, a woman gets on with a small dog and sits directly opposite him.

The train sets off and all is well until the dog begins to bark. The man looks up, annoyed and glares at the woman, then the dog. The woman tells the man that the dog dislikes his cigar smoke, if he puts it out then the dog will stop.
"No" states the man. "I've had a long and stressful week and this is my only chance to wind down. I'm going to keep smoking".
"Fine" says the woman. "The dog will keep barking". She shrugs and looks away.

After about half an hour of the incessant barking, the man is getting really really annoyed. "Please!" he says "Stop your damn dog barking!!"
"I already told you" she said. "The dog will not stop until you put your cigar out!"

The man continues with his book for a while longer, while the dog continues to bark. Finally, he snaps. "For crying out loud!!!" he yells. "Shut that damn dog up or I will!!!"
The woman looks at him in disbelief. "YOU put the cigar out and then MY dog will stop!"
"NO!!! I WILL NOT!!"

Angered by this, the woman stands up and grabs the cigar from the man's hand and throws it out of the window. The man, who is utterly aghast by this move and exceedingly angry, grabs hold of the dog and throws it out of the window!!!
He sits down, satisfied and pleased he's going to have a quiet rest of journey. Of course, the woman is very upset and spends the rest of the journey in tears.

As the journey comes to an end, the train stops and the man gets off. He walks away, to get a cab to his destination.
The woman, still utterly devastated by the turn of events, climbs slowly and dejectedly off the train and stands on the platform as the train departs.
She stands there for a while, then slowly walks away. Just as she's about to leave the platform, she takes a final look behind her and cannot believe what she sees...

...running down the track is her dog!! And unbelievably, it's carrying something in its mouth. Can you guess what it was?

It wasn't the cigar as you thought. It was the blue brick!
 
The element, Governmentium (Gv),


Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

--Anonymous
 
*waits for Ms Famicle? Cubine? (what is that what you're going by these days?) to come in and throw down*

45921590.popcorn.gif
 
Whats the difference between a woman and a computer?
You only have to punch the information into a computer once.


What do you do when your dishwasher breaks?
You hit her.


Wanna hear a funny joke?
Women's rights.


What does a woman and a hurrican have in common?
When they come their warm and wet and when they leave they take the house.


What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.


Why don't women wear watches?
There's a clock on the stove.


Why do women have short feet?
So they can stand closer to the stove.


Why haven't any women ever gone to the moon?
It doesn't need cleaning yet.


Why don't women need drivers licenses?
There is no road between the bedroom and the kitchen.


Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive?
Because she was a woman.
 
Y'all are asking for it. *pass some popcorn TB...

I remember one of middle school history teachers asking all the girls in the class how many of them would like to end women's suffrage, all of them raised their hands.:lol:
 
^To add to the list in the penultimate post:

Why can't women ski?
Because there's no snow between the kitchen and the bedroom.
 
EA11R
^To add to the list in the penultimate post:

Why can't women ski?
Because there's no snow between the kitchen and the bedroom.
Click to expand...

You killed it... and anyways I didn't laugh because my mom can ski better then most people here... and she is almost 60.
 

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