Jokes!!

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Loon
I remember one of middle school history teachers asking all the girls in the class how many of them would like to end women's suffrage, all of them raised their hands.:lol:
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Man Show did the samething. They had 2 pages of signatures from adult women until a man came in and stopped them by telling women what women's suffrage meant.

Funniest thing I had seen on TV back then.
 
Out of Gas


A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?"
"I'm out of gas," the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
"Try it now," said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow!" the man exclaimed, "what did you put in my gas tank"?

(look below for the Bee's answer)
 

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WHEN OLE moved north he discovered that he was the only Lutheran in a little town of Catholics. That was okay, but the neighbours had a problem with his barbecuing venison every Friday. Since they were forbidden to eat meat on Fridays, the aroma was so tempting that something had to be done.
Neighbours went over to Ole and managed to convince him to join their church. The big day came and the priest made Ole kneel. He put his hand on Ole's head and said, "Ole, you were born a Lutheran, you were raised a Lutheran, and now," he said as he sprinkled some incense over Ole's head, "now you are a Catholic!"
Ole was happy and the neighbours were happy. But the following Friday evening at suppertime, the aroma of grilled deer steaks was coming from Ole's yard. The neighbours went to talk to him about it. As they approached the fence, they heard Ole say,
"You were born a deer, you were raised a deer, and now," he said as he sprinkled seasoning salt over the choice tender loin cut, "now you are a fish!"
 
A Vampire walks into a Bar and asks for some boiling water, the Bartender says, "I thought you drank Blood.", the Vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making Tea.".
 
PeterJB
A Vampire walks into a Bar and asks for some boiling water, the Bartender says, "I thought you drank Blood.", the Vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making Tea.".
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There was a young vampire called Mable,
whose periods were heavy but stable.
So every full moon,
she pulled out a spoon
and drank herself under the table.
 
I don't even like listening to commercials about that stuff, let alone read a joke about it.
 
land sea air
Never trust anything that bleeds for a week and doesn't die...
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I've bled for a week and didn't die, but you can trust me. 👍


The "Tea" joke I already knew, heard it first about 20 years ago.
But the poem Danny posted just cracked me up at the same time it made me regurgitate dinner... Like this: :lol::sick:
 
One day a mechanic working at a garage was visited by a sexy blonde women who needed her cars tyres changed. However, the mechanic could not help noticing how big her tits were.

Fit Blonde: Hi, I need my tyres changed, how much would it cost?
Mechanic: Two-Hundred tits for all four tyres.
Fit Blonde: Two-Hundred what?
Mechanic: Pounds, I meant two-hundred pounds.
Fit Blonde: Oh, Ok. Here you go.
Mechanic: Ok, Thanks. Wait in the changing, I mean waiting room and I will get started.
Fit Blonde: Ok, just one more thing. How long will it take?
Mechanic: About ten to fithteen minutes.
Fit Blonde: Thats good. I will let you get on with it now.

The Fit Blonde goes and waits in the waiting room, while the Mechanic goes and changes the tyres. A few minutes later, he goes into the waiting room to tell the women her car is ready. By now he is getting very worried he might say something about the the womens tits by accident.

Mechanic: Err, mam. Your car is ready.
Fit Blonde: Pardon, what did you say? I wasn't listening.
Mechanic: I said your tits are ready.
Fit Blonde: :odd:
 
Variation on the theme:

Two guys are on a business trip to Pittsburgh. One of the guys decides to go get the tickets at the airport. He walks up to the female attendant and says, "Can I get two pickets to Tittsburgh?" After blushing severely, he apologizes for the slip-up and she gives him the tickets.

He goes back over to his buddy and says, "Man, I just asked that lady if I could get two pickets to Tittsburgh."

His buddy looks over and sees that the lady is...well-endowed. He says, "Oh that's called a Freudian slip... That's when you're brain and your tongue get jumbled-up and you say something pretty embarrassing. It happened to me just the other night at the dinner table with my wife. I wanted to say, 'Would you please pass the butter?' and what I wound up saying was, "You evil 🤬, you've ruined my life."
 
Craig, your last 2 posts are in serious need of an overhaul.
 
Craig HP
Yeah, good point. Here is anotherone, sort of. I have modified my previous one to make it better.

One day a Fit Blonde walks into a doctors surgery. The doctor notices her ear has a plaster on it, but he also couldn't help noticing how big her tits were.

Fit Blonde: Hi, I had surgery on my ear after I had my ear pierced cause it got infected. It was okay for a while but I think it might be infected again.

Doctor: Are you sure that is the only thing you have had surgery on?
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AMERICAN TRANSLATION:

One day a Blonde chick walks into a doctor's office. The doctor notices her ear has a band-aid on it, but he also couldn't help noticing her huge tits.

Blonde: Hi, I had surgery on my ear after I had my ear pierced cause it got infected. It was okay for a while but I think it might be infected again.

Doctor: What?
 
Craig HP
Yeah, good point. Here is anotherone, sort of. I have modified my previous one to make it better.

One day a Fit Blonde walks into a doctors surgery. The doctor notices her ear has a plaster on it, but he also couldn't help noticing how big her tits were.

Fit Blonde: Hi, I had surgery on my ear after I had my ear pierced cause it got infected. It was okay for a while but I think it might be infected again.

Doctor: Are you sure that is the only thing you have had surgery on?
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Have you forgotten to post the rest of that "joke"?

Why do you think it's funny? A joke isn't funny just because you use the word "tits".
 
Wow, Craig's "jokes" really made this thread go downhill fast...

Here's 2 from me. Not really good, but should help forgetting what happened a few posts above.

"One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"



"A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.
In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.
The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"
In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.
He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!"
The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.
In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.
The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."
 
Heard this one the other day at work.

WARNING: M Rated: The following joke may contain mild coarse language and adult themes, and is not recommended for reading by people under the age of 15yrs old.

Two couples are on a space trip to Mars, one a human couple and the other an alien couple. On the way the humans asked the aliens "How do you guys have sex?" The aliens replied "Oh, the same way you do." "Really?" replied the humans, "Do you want to test that out?"
"Sure" the aliens replied. When they got to their destination they swapped partners for the night (the male human with the female alien, and the female human with the male alien). When the female human and male alien got to their room they undressed. The alien's penis was only 5cm long, and 1cm wide. The female human says "Err, I don't know if this is going to work, your penis is too small".
"What?" replies the male alien, "That's not a problem". He then begins pulling on his ears and his dick grows in length to a foot long.
"I still don't think this is going to work" says the female human, "it's still to narrow." The male alien then begins slapping his fore-head and his penis grows in width to 5cm wide. They then proceeded to have a great night of hot sex.
In the morning the female human met up again with her male human partner. "That was a great night" she says, "simply fabulous, how was your night?"
"Oh it was horrible", says the male human, "I have scratches on my head and a throbbing head-ache, all she did the whole time we were doing it was pull on my ears and slap my fore-head."
 
A posh man walks into a pub, buys a beer, and sits down at a table with a cockney bloke. Very rudely, the cockney bloke asks, "Buy me a pig's ear, I'm hearts of oak". The posh man immediatly replies, "What are you trying to say". The cockney bloke replies "I said, buy me a beer i'm broke". The posh bloke responds and says, "Dont talk your cockney language with me". This angers the cockney bloke and he shouts, "dont talk all washy poshy with me or I'll kick you up the Khyber pass". By now, the posh man is very angry and starts to mock the cockney bloke. "Shut it you Elephant's Trunk, or I'll susage and mash my la-di-dah into your house while your are inside making a pen and ink"! "What language was that?", replies the cockney bloke!
 
Why Did Teh Chicken Cross Taht Road?
Posted on 07:36 Hrs,May 7th, 2008 by Raven

From an email:

Modern day folks answer that age old question:
“Why did the chicken cross the road?”

BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE! And HOPE! It looked HOPEFUL!

JOHN McCAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure — right from Day One! — that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn’t about me, although I clearly remember having to dodge enemy fire as Chelsea and I tried to cross the road.

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on ‘THIS’ side of the road before it goes after the problem on the ‘OTHER SIDE’ of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his ‘CURRENT’ problems before adding ‘NEW’ problems.

OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road… .

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he’s GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.

RUSH LIMBAUGH:
Because the chicken was gay! Can’t you people see the plain truth?’ That’s why they call it the ‘other side.’ Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like ‘the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It’s as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn’t that intewesting? In a few moments, we will be wistening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a sewious case of molting, and went on to accompwish its wife wong dweam of cwossing the woad.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra…#@&&^(C% reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY:
Where’s my gun?

AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

REVEREND JEREMIAH WRIGHT:
Damn that chicken. Does that make me unpatriotic?
 
Upper Level Management Training​

An Indian walks into a café with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.He says to the waiter "Me want coffee."​

The waiter says,"Sure chief,coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blast it with the shotgun, then just walks out.​

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was that about, anyway?"​

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot ****, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."​
 
Craig HP
A posh man walks into a pub, buys a beer, and sits down at a table with a cockney bloke. Very rudely, the cockney bloke asks, "Buy me a pig's ear, I'm hearts of oak". The posh man immediatly replies, "What are you trying to say". The cockney bloke replies "I said, buy me a beer i'm broke". The posh bloke responds and says, "Dont talk your cockney language with me". This angers the cockney bloke and he shouts, "dont talk all washy poshy with me or I'll kick you up the Khyber pass". By now, the posh man is very angry and starts to mock the cockney bloke. "Shut it you Elephant's Trunk, or I'll susage and mash my la-di-dah into your house while your are inside making a pen and ink"! "What language was that?", replies the cockney bloke!
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Funnay-Not_Found.jpg
 
Craig, are you trying to make up your own jokes?



A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a b***h to death with the chair!"
 
I wonder if Craig actually reads those jokes, laughs hysterically, and then posts them on GTP.

Not only are they not funny, but they don't even make sense.


Danny's was awesome though.👍
 

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