Jokes!!

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I'm fairly certain you have that power, Mr. Famine. :dopey:
 
Slick Rick
If he was good at Engrish he would have read it before posting and said ''Hey not only does it not make much sense but it also isnt funny, I wont post it.''
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I dunno, aside from the slip at the end it wasn't bad and I got at least a mild chuckle from it. Better than a good few in this thread buuuut that doesn't say too much.
 
3 drunk men are crawling along the railroad.The 1st man says:"Dam,these stairs are soo long." The 2nd man says:"But the handrails are low." The 3rd man says:"Don't worry guys,look - the elevator is coming already."




Three Kiwis and three Aussies are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Aussies each buy tickets and watch as the three Kiwis buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an Aussie.

"Watch and you'll see," answers a Kiwi.

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats but all three Kiwis cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says,"Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Aussies decide to copy the Kiwis on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money,and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Kiwis don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Aussie. Watch and you'll see," answers a kiwi.

When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a bathroom and the three Kiwis cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Kiwis leaves his bathroom and walks over to the bathroom where the Aussies are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
 
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BayConRong
his Engrish isn't too bad.
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Slick Rick
If he was good at Engrish he would have read it before posting and said ''Hey not only does it not make much sense but it also isnt funny, I wont post it.''
Click to expand...

Rotary Junkie
I dunno, aside from the slip at the end it wasn't bad and I got at least a mild chuckle from it. Better than a good few in this thread buuuut that doesn't say too much.
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it's not my English that's bad, it's my sense of humor.., I TOTALLY suck at making jokes.., :indiff:

*edit - whoops, double post.., pardon my slow internet connection..,
 
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said. 'Very good!'

Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?' Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'Screw the Indians,'

'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.
'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!' Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little ****.. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh ****, we're screwed!'

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "I think it was the American people, November 4, 2008 ."
 
Would've been funnier if the majority of the USA thought that, they obviously dont seeing as they either voted for Obama or didn't vote.

Not bad though 👍
 
PARAGON GT
Hey =drifting24/7=, is that an Armored Core Mech in your avatar?
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*wink* why I believe it is. You really shouldn't hit on strangers on the internet

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar and order a pint of bear each. The moment they get their beer three flies fly into the bar and one lands in each of the men's drinks.

The Englishman says, "Oh, dear. There appears to be a fly in my brew. I'm afraid I cannot drink this, good sir. Would you be so kind as to please get me another drink?" and the bartender slides him another drink

The Irishman picks up the fly gently and says to it, "fly away my friend! fly away, and have a safe trip." he proceeds to drink the rest of his beer.

The Scotsman picks up the fly and starts whacking it over his beer with a toothpick, yelling, "Oh! spit it out, now! spit it out!"
 
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the Nun says, "pull into the next alley."
The Nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the Nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must tell you, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The Nun says, "that's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party"


------------------------------------------------------------------------



A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, 'What are you doing?'

She answers, 'I'm moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.'

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year'.
 
A 12 year old boy walks up to his dad and asks, "Dad, what is the difference between potential and reality?"

The father looks at him and says, "go ask your mother and your older sister if they would sleep with a stranger for a million dollars."

The boy does so and comes running back. "Dad! They both said yes!"

The father then says, "well potentially we are sitting on 2 million dollars... In reality we are living with a couple of sluts."
 
Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His wife is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's
a sheep, you idiot."
The man says: "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you."
 
Alex.
:lol: thats pretty good
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👍


A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in
the middle of the night...

5% said it was to get a glass of water.
12% said it was to go to the toilet...
83% said it was to go home.
 
A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was upset about this and asked: Now Maria why do you feel you deserve a pay increase?

Maria: Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. First, I iron better than you.

Wife: Who said you iron better than me?

Maria: Your husband said so.

Wife: Oh

Maria: The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.

Wife: Nonsense, who says you are a better cook than me?

Maria: Your husband did.

Wife: Oh

Maria: And the third reason is that I am a better lover than you.

Wife: (really furious now): Did my husband say that as well?

Maria: No, Senora, the gardener did.

SHE GOT THE RAISE!!
 
Historical Origin of The "Finger"

This is not meant to be crude. It is strictly for your edification and enjoyment.

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future.

This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew." Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French,saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"

Over the years, some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."
 
Nicksfix
A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was upset about this and asked: Now Maria why do you feel you deserve a pay increase?

Maria: Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. First, I iron better than you.

Wife: Who said you iron better than me?

Maria: Your husband said so.

Wife: Oh

Maria: The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.

Wife: Nonsense, who says you are a better cook than me?

Maria: Your husband did.

Wife: Oh

Maria: And the third reason is that I am a better lover than you.

Wife: (really furious now): Did my husband say that as well?

Maria: No, Senora, the gardener did.

SHE GOT THE RAISE!!
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I never really got this....anyone want to enlighten me?
 
peeweegary
I never really got this....anyone want to enlighten me?
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As far as I could establish, she got the raise because she knew the secret affair between the wife and the gardener.

At least that's the way I read it.

I can't say I found it particularly funny though.

BayConRong
Historical Origin of The "Finger"

This is not meant to be crude. It is strictly for your edification and enjoyment.

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future.

This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew." Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French,saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"

Over the years, some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."
Click to expand...
that is nonsense, but quite a believable tale, many people thought that actually be the origin of the gesture, though its actually a myth. That concludes my fun fact for the day.
 

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