Jokes!!

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well aren't you precious?

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Johnny always takes the nickel.

One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor man takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"

Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"
 
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed.. 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos =MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem peeved in the least.. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh crap.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted
 
Nicksfix
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed.. 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos =MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem peeved in the least.. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh crap.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted
Click to expand...

thats cute :)
 
Mark Twain was a great guy:

Total abstinence is so excellent a thing that it cannot be carried to too great an extent. In my passion for it I even carry it so far as to totally abstain from total abstinence itself.

Barring that natural expression of villainy which we all have, the man looked honest enough.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity -- another man's I mean.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.

Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are more pliable.

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress.

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it.

Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read.

When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not.

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
 
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."
 
The Morning after the Christmas Party.....Priceless

Steven woke up with a killer hangover after attending his firm's Christmas Party.

He didn't even remember how he got home. It's 8.30. What day is it?

Thursday. His wife must have gone to work.

As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache, his stomach plummeted as he wondered what the hell he did last night.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden.

He sat up.. The bedroom was clean and tidy, - there was no trail of drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in through the window
and all was serene. He stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine, and, squinting gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a black eye.
This was not a good sign, but no memories were returning.

As he concentrated hard on getting the world into focus, he saw a post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror.
It was written in red, with little hearts on it and a kiss from his wife.

'I'll ring your office and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast is in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning.
There's snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today, hope your eye doesn't hurt too much.
See you tonight. I love you, darling! '

He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the newspaper.
His teenage son was sitting at the table, eating.

Steven, bracing himself, asked his son what happened the previous night.

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind.
You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. '

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order, aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting for me?'




His son replied, 'Oh THAT!...
Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you slapper, I'm married!!'



Broken Coffee Table $450

Hot Breakfast $11.50

Two Aspirins $1.20

Saying the right thing...at the right time......PRICELESS'
 
F(x)= sin(x) walks into a restaurant and orders some soup.


"Sorry," says the waiter. "We don't cater for functions here."
 
A physics professor and his assistant are working on liberating negatively charged hydroxyl ions, when all of a sudden, the assistant says, "Wait, Professor! What if the salicylic acids do not accept the hydroxyl ions?" And the professor responds, "That's no hydroxyl ion! That's my wife!"
 
Famine
F(x)= sin(x) walks into a restaurant and orders some soup.


"Sorry," says the waiter. "We don't cater for functions here."
Click to expand...

I see what you did there. It seems you've reached a minimum, Famine.
 
So did I kill the thread? I can explain it, but then it wouldn't be as funny.
 
Omnis
So did I kill the thread? I can explain it, but then it wouldn't be as funny.
Click to expand...
The professor was trying to give his wife some aspirin.

You're right - it's not nearly as funny spelled out.
 
Omnis
A physics professor and his assistant are working on liberating negatively charged hydroxyl ions, when all of a sudden, the assistant says, "Wait, Professor! What if the salicylic acids do not accept the hydroxyl ions?" And the professor responds, "That's no hydroxyl ion! That's my wife!"
Click to expand...
Dexters lab?
 
Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Los
Angeles one day.

Sid asks Al, 'Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in
Mexico?'

Al replies, 'I don't know, let's ask our waiter.' When the waiter arrives,
Al asks, 'Are there any Mexican Jews?'

The waiter says, 'I don't know senor, I ask the cooks' He returns from the
kitchen after a few minutes and says, 'No senor, the cook say no Mexican
Jews.'

Al isn't satisfied and asks, 'Are you absolutely sure?' The waiter,
realizing he is dealing with 'Gringos' replies, 'I check once again, Senor!'
and goes back into the kitchen.

While the waiter is away, Sid says, 'I find it hard to believe that there
are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere.'

The waiter returns and says, 'Senor, the head cook Tom say there is no
Mexican Jews.'

'Are you certain?' Al asks again. 'I just can't believe there are no Mexican
Jews!'

'SENOR, I ask EVERYONE,' replies the exasperated waiter, ' All we have is
Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, and Tomato Jews.'
 
:lol: that's sick.

Blast it... I can't remember the joke i wanted to post.

A Texan visits an Australian ranch that his cousin's friend owns.

As he follows the Owner around he remarks, (cue southern accent) "well boy, your ranch here is mighty fine but we have larger ones back home in Texas."

The Australian simply nods his head and continues along with his work.

As the Australian sets out the feed for the cattle the Texan remarks once again, "well boy, you have some mighty fine cattle here, but back in Texas we got bigger longhorns."

The Australian once again simply nods and continues along with his work.

As the day begins to come to a close the Texan watches a mob of kangaroo's hop by and exclaims, "By tarnation! what on god's green earth are those!?"

The Australian calmly glances at him and says, "What? You don't have grass hoppers in Texas?"
 
Some questions answered on an Australian tourist board website

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow?(UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA))
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.


Not real, but still funny.

Some Tommy Cooper

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.

---------

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

---------



'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.'

'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'

'Is it common?'

'It's not unusual.'

----------------

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married

The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

------

One of my favourite jokes:

A woman is standing in her bedroom, completely naked and in-front of the mirror. She says to her husband:

"I'm fat, old and ugly. Pay me a compliment"

Her Husband replies:

"You've got good eyesight"
 
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:sly: I liked the rattlesnake ones. "They are perfectly harmless and make great pets." I know the truth about that.

I always think it's great when people say blatantly stupid things, so i record myself during the day and listen to myself later on and laugh at half the things I say. It always sounds better in my head.
 
After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him,

"How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his Daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife, didn't like his father.

So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed,

"So that's the ugly thing he's runnin' around with."
 

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