Jokes!!

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Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns....

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors 'daughter. I'm 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors' daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I'd leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?


Sincerely,

Sheila


**********************************************************

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,


Walter
 
There's also a version with the husband cross dressing and another with a gay man, haven't heard this one but good stuff 👍
 
from an e-mail I got the other day :

The 7 Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they are the 7 Dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'


BTW - last 2 lines have been edited :lol:
 
Last edited:
I'm so strong, i don't move myself, i move the universe around me.lol
 
Oh, Oh, OH! I can feel a Chuck Norris joke coming on!

When Chuck Norris does push-ups he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the Earth down.

Mr. T and Chuck Norris got into a fight (Commonly called The Big Bang) when they realized the ridiculousness of comparing their respective awesomeness they laughed long and hard, subsequently causing an earthquake in Oklahoma killing 2,000 people.
 
Chuck Norris once made a clone of himself to see who would win in a fight: Chuck Norris or Chuck Norris? Needless to say; Chuck Norris won.
 
BayConRong
Chuck Norris once made a clone of himself to see who would win in a fight: Chuck Norris or Chuck Norris? Needless to say; Chuck Norris won.
Click to expand...

stop-posting.gif

[/facepalm]
 
^ :
If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.
Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
 
If you two want to fight, go out to the living room, not here.
 
BayConRong
^ :
If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.
Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Click to expand...


:lol: never gets old!! some great ones their and ones i havnt heard before which is suprising...
 
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately..
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered,
"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
 
Nicksfix, that is the most disturbing post yet. That's worse than the prank I used to do in freaking middle school. The one where after you wash your hands you don't dry them off and then rub them on someone's shirt saying, "don't you hate it when your aim is off and you piss on your hands?"

Famine
Chuck Norris doesn't need to read - he scares the words into his head. But you two do.
Click to expand...

You did it wrong, it's:

Chuck Norris doesn't need to read - he stares at the books until they give him what he wants.
 
Supposedly Famine looked upon an entire thread of pictures and declared them unworthy, thereby removing it from existence.
 
Oh why not? I'll jump on the bandwagon.....

Chuck Norris fears only two things. Shaving cream and Famine

Muahaha
 
Save Your Breath...
You'll need it to blow up your date!

I am a nobody,
nobody is perfect,
therefore I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks...
but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
 
A few days after her husband's death, a grieving widow accidentally receives an e-mail from a man waiting for his wife in Miami.

The e-mail reads:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.
 
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
 

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