Jokes!!

  • Thread starter Thread starter DQuaN
  • 4,715 comments
  • 763,353 views
I love this gag. It's a good example of the importance of Aussie Rules Football to Melbournians...

A man arriving for the Grand Final in Melbourne is surprised to find the seat besdie him empty. Tickets fot the Grand Final are sold out weeks in advance and an empty seat is unknown. So he says to the man on the other side of the empty seat: 'Excuse me, do you know why there is no one in this seat?'
'It was my wife's,' answers the second man, a touch wistfully, 'but I'm afraid she died.'
'Oh, that's terrible. I'm so sorry.'
'Yes, she never missed a match.'
'But couldn't you have given the ticket to a friend or relative?'
'Oh no. They're all at the funeral.'


@ Sureboss: Good one! =D

Sureboss
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
Click to expand...
 
S-Line Audi Fan
That's a good one, Rue :lol:
Click to expand...

Yeah? Good eh! Don't worry, these are awful...

Last week I attended a wedding between two TV aerials. The reception was terrible.

'Doctor, I can't stop humming Tom Jones songs. What's wrong with me?'
'Oh don't worry, it's not unusual.'

Where did Beethoven live?
A flat.
 
The game of choice for unemployed people is basketball.

The game of choice for fresh grads is football.

The game of choice for senior staff is tennis.

The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf.

Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you are, the smaller your balls are.
 
Mazda Mazda
The game of choice for unemployed people is basketball.

The game of choice for fresh grads is football.

The game of choice for senior staff is tennis.

The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf.

Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you are, the smaller your balls are.
Click to expand...

very good :lol:
 
Mazda Mazda
The game of choice for unemployed people is basketball.

The game of choice for fresh grads is football.

The game of choice for senior staff is tennis.

The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf.

Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you are, the smaller your balls are.
Click to expand...

The older you are the less running you want to do?
 
How many people does it take to change a light bulb at ... in 2009?

Ferrari: The FIA still does it for them.

McLaren: Two, one to change their own bulb despite a lack of efficiency and one to wonder why Brawn’s bulb works much better, even under and inch of water. The FIA also stops by to penalize them on the way to change Ferrari’s light bulb.

Brawn GP: Two, one to design a super-efficient trick bulb that fits in the gray areas and one to install it.

Renault: One, but the entire team makes sure the bulb is always working. Everybody wants to make sure the light is as good as possible when Flavio's new girlfriend comes by. Uses KERS to power light bulb.

Honda: Gave their light bulb to Ross Brawn and is now wondering why they did.

Force India: unknown number, They stand there staring at the old bulb, throw money at it, and wonder why it won't come on and talk about how the light bulbs won't burn out now that they have Mallya's money. The light bulb still hasn't been changed.

BMW Sauber: None. Swiss efficiency + German technology means their light bulbs never burn out.

Red Bull: Four. One to take the old bulb out, one to pay Adrian Newey a boatload of money to make a light bulb that runs on Red Bull, one to plan a huge party for the event, and one to wonder why they're spending so much time on light bulbs when Webber's car just broke down again.

Toro Rosso: Four. The same four from Red Bull.

Williams: One, their bulbs work just fine.
 
DQuaN
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged that they had for the past five years covertly funded a project with US auto makers whereby the auto makers installed black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states that the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, S#!t!" Only the states of West Virginia, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, Texas, and Tennessee were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this."
Click to expand...

I know, this is very old to qoute but, you just don't know how funny this is to me. I can't believe it took me this long to find this thread, Hilarious. By the way, whats a emo?
 
Last edited:
Preaching to the bear

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
 
A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.' The old rancher says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field over there' as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

'Your badge...Show him your badge!'


-------------------------------------------------


Two guys are in a supermarket when their carts collide.
Bob says, "I'm sorry, I was looking for my wife."
"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate," says Joe.
"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?" asks Bob.
Joe replies, "She's tall, with long hair, long legs, firm breasts and a magnificent backside.
What does your wife look like?" "Never mind," says Bob, "let's look for yours!"


-------------------------------------------------


Jerry moved in with his girlfriend and her enormous collection of old magazines.
They took up an entire room.
"It's me or the magazines," Jerry insisted.
When she refused to part with any of them, Jerry left.
As he told his friends, she just had too many issues....


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Georgia. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you can’t have it."

The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in Atlanta and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in this part of Georgia. We settle small disagreements like this with the Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What's that?"

The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
 
A long haul trucker enters an adult entertainment residence and slaps his whole weeks paycheck down on the counter and demands,

"Get me the ugliest women available and some burnt dinner"

The 'receptionist' looks at the $800 and replies,

"Sir, with that amount of money you can have the most beautiful women of the establishment and a gourmet 3 course dinner"

"Look here lady..." he replies, "I'm not horny, I'm just homesick"

:D
 
7 Qualities of a Perfect Wife

She must be:

Beautiful
Responsible
Energetic
Active
Strong
Tough
Sexy

In short, she must have good B.R.E.A.S.T.S :lol:
 
A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.
He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in..'
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its a**! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising h***.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.
Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.
The rich man said, 'Man,I have to give you something. You won the bet.. How about half a million bucks then?'
No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something.. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'
Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'
Leroy said, 'I want the name of the S** of a B**** who pushed me in the pool!
 
Nicksfix
A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.
He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in..'
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its a**! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising h***.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.
Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.
The rich man said, 'Man,I have to give you something. You won the bet.. How about half a million bucks then?'
No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something.. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'
Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'
Leroy said, 'I want the name of the S** of a B**** who pushed me in the pool!
Click to expand...

Replace the redneck with a Seminole or Miccosukee and you've got a believable story. :lol:
 
One of those chain emails, but I found it amusing and real at the same time.


Think about this:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments



COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow..


THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq .... why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.


THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this -- you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians ... it creates a hostile work environment.
 
Once all the scientists die and go to heaven. They decide to play hide-n-seek
Unfortunately Einstein is the one who has the den...........He is supposed to count upto 100...and then start searching.....
Everyone starts hiding except Newton.........
Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it right in front of Einstein.
Einstein's counting 1,2,3......97,98,99.....100........ He opens his eyes and finds Newton standing in front........
Einstein says " newton's out..newton's out....."
Newton denies and says "I am not out........I am not Newton......"
All the scientists come out to see how he proves that he is not Newton.
Newton says "I am standing in a square of area 1m squared..... That makes me Newton per meter squared...... Since one Newton per meter squared is one Pascal, I'm Pascal, Therefore Pascal is OUT.......
 
Sureboss
Once all the scientists die and go to heaven. They decide to play hide-n-seek
Unfortunately Einstein is the one who has the den...........He is supposed to count upto 100...and then start searching.....
Everyone starts hiding except Newton.........
Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it right in front of Einstein.
Einstein's counting 1,2,3......97,98,99.....100........ He opens his eyes and finds Newton standing in front........
Einstein says " newton's out..newton's out....."
Newton denies and says "I am not out........I am not Newton......"
All the scientists come out to see how he proves that he is not Newton.
Newton says "I am standing in a square of area 1m squared..... That makes me Newton per meter squared...... Since one Newton per meter squared is one Pascal, I'm Pascal, Therefore Pascal is OUT.......
Click to expand...

Later, Newton had to photograph a total solar eclipse in order to find Einstein. Hawking was never found as he decided to hide in a black hole.
 
Teaching Math In 1950

************************ A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In 1960

************************ A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In 1970

************************ A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

Teaching Math In 1980

*********************** A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math In 1990

************************ By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees. (There are no wrong answers.)

Teaching Math In 2005

************************El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es.............
 
Last edited:

Latest Posts

Back