Jokes!!

  • Thread starter Thread starter DQuaN
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Been chatting with this bird on the internet.

She 14, flirty, funny, sexy and very intelligent.

Last night she told me she is an undercover copper!!

How cool is that for her age!
 
Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried.

I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary:

Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.
 
I believe I read this as a true story in an old Car & Driver mag, but it was a long time ago.

A girl stops by a Ford dealership to have her boyfriend's vehicle's oil changed. She approach the technician and told him what she needed, and he asked her what model the vehicle it was. She said a Fiso. He then asked the make of the vehicle. She had a confused look on her face and said "Ford" duh "I'm at a Ford dealer." This then confused the technician. He asked "What kind of vehicle is it again?" She started to get a little agitated by now and said "A Ford Fiso." He then preceded to tell her that Ford didn't make a Fiso. This pissed off the girl. "I seen tons of these on the road, you have at least 20 of these on your lot. He said "I been a tech for 25 years, Ford doesn't make a Fiso." She said "I show you." So they walked out to the lot and she said "Look, Ford Fiso," and he said "No honey, that is a F-150."
 
Nicksfix
Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried.

I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary:

Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.
Click to expand...
:lol: Wow, that truely is funny.
 
Nicksfix
Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried.

I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary:

Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.
Click to expand...
:lol:

And women think we're so complicated
 
Warning pickpockets at Ikea

I was loading some stuff I bought at Ikea in to the boot of the car when two very good looking young ladies, I think from East Europe, approached me. They looked confused and acted totally helpless. They asked for a ride in to the next town. Both were dressed in high heels, really short mini skirts and tops that could barely cover or hold their boobs. .......How could I refuse.
They got in to the rear seats and I drove off. Not much later both of them started to kiss and pet each other heavily and made sure that I could see it in the rearview mirror. One hopped in to the passenger seat to perform something with her mouth ;). When I got home I noticed that my wallet had been stolen. This happened to me on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Sunday and twice on Saturday.


--







---











Unfortunately I couldnt make it on Wednesday.

AMG.
 
Doing the rounds on an email at the moment:

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.

'I vish to buy sex viz you.'

'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge £20 an hour.'

'..ist gut, but I must vorn you, I am a little kinky.'

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

'I vish zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'

The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.

'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'

She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.) She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,

'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?'

'Ah,' says the German . . .'zat is ze....
















...four-sprung duck technique'
 
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I apologize for all caps, but I got this in a e-mail, and dont have the time right now to re-type it.



A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS
GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
*
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
*
THE BLONDE REPLIES, 'I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE.'
*
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE COPILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
*
THE COPILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
*
THE BLONDE REPLIES, 'I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE.'
*
THE COPILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON..
*
THE PILOT SAYS, 'YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE.'
*
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE
SAYS, 'OH, I'M SORRY.'* AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
*
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND COPILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
***
I TOLD HER, 'THE FRONT HALF OF THE PLANE ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON
 
Subject: The Power of the Badge


A DEA officer stops at a farm in Mississippi ,

and talks with an old farmer. He tells the farmer, 'I need

to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs.'



The old farmer says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field over there

as he points out the location.



The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the

authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his

rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer..



'See this badge?

This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land.

No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear?

Do you understand?'



The old farmer nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old farmer hears loud screams and sees

the DEA officer running for his life chased close behind by the

farmer's prize bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and

it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer

is clearly terrified.



The old farmer throws down his tools, runs to the fence and

yells at the top of his lungs.... 'Your badge .... Show him your

badge!!!'

This was sent to me by my buddy ANFD.
 
Best get them out of the way...


When Farrah Fawcett arrived in Heaven, God granted her one wish. She wished for all the children to be safe. So God killed Michael Jackson.
 
I just finished reading a book called "Frost On My Moustache" regarding a guy's travels around Iceland and the Arctic Circle. Turns out he stole his title from a joke, which he's discovered doesn't translate too well when told to Germans or Norwegians that don't grasp the double meaning of the "seal" line and leads to the awkward situation of him having to explain how a veiled reference to bestiality can become funny.... anyway here's the joke:

An Eskimo is driving his car across the frozen tundra when it emits an enormous bellow of steam and conks out at the side of the road.
He places a call to the Inuit AA and eventually a recovery vehicle arrives.
The mechanic opens the bonnet and is met by more clouds of billowing vapour.
"Aha, I know what's wrong!" he says, turning to the Eskimo "It looks like you've blown a seal!"
The Eskimo fingers his upper-lip nervously and replies:




















"No, no, no! It's just frost on my moustache!"


:D
 
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exigeracer
How could you tell the photo of the alien sighting in the newspaper was Photoshopped?

You could totally see the crop circles.
Click to expand...

I actually laughed quite hard at that, how sad am I?
 
A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.

'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.'

A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'
 
Guys, you may think you have a command of the English language, but when it comes to communicating with women, you may be surprised. Here is a dictionary of Womanese. Master these terms and you'll find your relationship with women greatly improved.

The Real Definition of Words When Used By Women

1. Fine - I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up.

2. That's Okay - One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you'll pay for your mistake.

3. Nothing - The calm before the storm. This means "Something" and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with "Nothing" usually end with "Fine" (See #1).

4. Five Minutes - If getting dress, this means half an hour. (Don't be mad about this. It's the same definition for you when it's your turn to do some chores around the house.

5. Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, "You're welcome," and let it go.

6. Loud Sigh - Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about "Nothing." (See #3)

7. Go Ahead - This is a dare, not permission. (Don't Do It!)

8. Don't worry about it, I got it - The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date, "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, see #3.)
 
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it? 'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.' The third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'
 
Yeah, he tends to do that sometimes.



I mean, all the time. Even quadruple posting. It's awesome. 👍
 
I hope this doesn't cause too much trouble ...

An Irishman is walking through the streets of Belfast when he suddenly feels the barrel of a gun prodding his lower back. A voice in his ear asks "Are you a Catholic or a Protestant?"

Thinking quickly, the man decides to get himself out of the situation and replies "Neither, I'm Jewish."

The voice then says "Then I must be the luckiest Palestinian in Ireland."
 

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