Overdrive Chapter 2

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yellomello

yellomello

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SSyello
Satoshi is car enthusiast he hopes to become a Super GT racer in the future. Keiko is Satoshi's girlfriend who enjoys racing but does not want to become a professional

Satoshi
Keiko

Satoshi peered out the window to his car and thought

"Damn I love this car I willl not regret buying the other day ago"

Ring-Ring

"Hello who is this"

"Hi it's Keiko Hows the car"
"It drives real good. It also has 281 hp"

"Really"

"Why Don't you come over and have a look at it"

Ok See Ya"

30 Minutes Later

"Wow It's in really good Condition"


Kyoto - Shoren-in_1 by yellomello88, on Flickr

"Yeah tell me that only $25,000"

"Only $25,000"

"Ok I'm heading off to SSR7 to race some people"

"Ok bye"


Kyoto - Shoren-in by yellomello88, on Flickr

Please give me some advice and point out any mistakes
 
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You need to improve on your spelling :P And you missed out some words plus some spaces. Just a bit of corrections for your errors below.

"Hi it's Keiko, how's the car?"
Satoshi is a car enthusiast and hopes to become a SuperGT racer in the future. Keiko is his girlfriend who likes racing but does not plan to become a professional racing driver.
30 Minutes Later
Satoshi peered out the window to his car and thought
 
Short with not much substance to be honest, you need to flesh it out more and develope the characters.
 
It's ok, but, it seems like it's going to be a bit boring, to be honest. :guilty:
You know, the usual fanfic that takes place in Japan with a character that has a Japanese car that goes to SSR7 and wins. It gets old. You also need to be more descriptive, that's what really contributes to a good story. The characters hardly talk, maybe you could create more dialog between the two people.
Sorry to sound like a douche, but I'm just critiquing your writing.
 
alex10798
Too many of these stories start with someone who just got a "sleeper", goes out to SSR7, and beats everyone. Becomes boring to read after awhile.
Click to expand...

Yeah, the "sleeper" effect tends to be the easiest to work off of, and tends to be the generic story-type:indiff:

ANd the SSR7 thing is also very common:odd:
 
As Satoshi arrived at SSR7 in search of opponents. This gang approached him.

Satoshi
Takeshi
The Colour of the cars are the colour of the text

??? :lol:

"What do you drive then"

??? "A Honda NSX"

:eek: "But are you better at driving or talking"

??? "My NSX is will wipe wour piece of 🤬"

"Oh really"

?? "Takeshi's NSX will win"

"Ok your on If I win you and your goons will own me 250,000 JPY each. If you win I give you 1,000,000 JPY "

" I and the NSX Kings accept"

"Ok we race at midnight"

Your On

1 Hour Later​


Special Stage Route 7_34 by yellomello88, on Flickr

"The Skyline will win it's far superior to any thing here"


Special Stage Route 7_23 by yellomello88, on Flickr

"I shall Imprezz the others"


Special Stage Route 7_22 by yellomello88, on Flickr

"This car wins in the Super GT It shall win here"


Special Stage Route 7_21 by yellomello88, on Flickr

This american muscle will beat these ricers


Special Stage Route 7_6 by yellomello88, on Flickr

"This Impreza shall win"


Special Stage Route 7_1 by yellomello88, on Flickr

"That Z32 Has no chance"


Special Stage Route 7_2 by yellomello88, on Flickr

"This has the most power so it will win"


Special Stage Route 7_7 by yellomello88, on Flickr

"This is my first race so don't screw it up"


Special Stage Route 7_33 by yellomello88, on Flickr

"That Z32 is really slow I'm 1,000,000 JPY richer"



Special Stage Route 7_27 by yellomello88, on Flickr

"This Skyline was tuned by Nismo so its fast"


Special Stage Route 7_26 by yellomello88, on Flickr

"Oh boy there is 2 more skylines in front of me I have no more chance of winning"


Special Stage Route 7_25 by yellomello88, on Flickr

"I hope that Mum does not find out"


Special Stage Route 7_5 by yellomello88, on Flickr

"This Is American Muscle!!"

Go

Takeshi's NSX passed Satoshi at the start.


Special Stage Route 7_24 by yellomello88, on Flickr

"I hope that I can pass him again"
"Bye you slow punk!"


Special Stage Route 7_28 by yellomello88, on Flickr

Satoshi and Takeshi passed a Camaro and a Impreza.

"This is interesting"
"God damnit you ricers"
"They are really fast"
"I underestimated you Satoshi"

Satoshi Tried to brake late this is what happened.


Special Stage Route 7_31 by yellomello88, on Flickr

"Damn I understeered"
"Whoa don't take me out"

Satoshi passed the silver Impreza again.

Special Stage Route 7_30 by yellomello88, on Flickr

"I shall take my position back"
"Not again"

He passed the Garaiya.


Special Stage Route 7_8 by yellomello88, on Flickr

"POOOWWWEEEERRRR!!!!"
"This is not very good"

Satoshi rushed up on Takeshi and his goon.


Special Stage Route 7_16 by yellomello88, on Flickr

"I see you"
"Wait has he alresdy cught up that is a really fast car"
"No I'm next"

I sped past Takeshi he was gobsmaked.


Special Stage Route 7_9 by yellomello88, on Flickr

"Yes I have passed him"
"I'll pass you again"

The leading NSX was Scared by the speed of Satoshi's car.


Special Stage Route 7_12 by yellomello88, on Flickr

"Takeshi help me"
"He won"t help"

I passed the leading Nsx at 270km/h.


Special Stage Route 7_12 by yellomello88, on Flickr

"I'm in the lead"

Satoshi was really scared at the speed of the car.


Special Stage Route 7_19 by yellomello88, on Flickr

"280 Km/h this is BS"

As Satoshi reached the last corner he undesteered.


Special Stage Route 7_14 by yellomello88, on Flickr

"The U turn is next then the final straight"

Satoshi bumped the guard rail and sped off.


Special Stage Route 7_19 by yellomello88, on Flickr

"Final Staight"
"Don't get cocky"

The black NSX started to catch up.


Special Stage Route 7_17 by yellomello88, on Flickr

"I can see you"
"I wonder where is Takeshi"

Satoshi started the shake because of the speed.


Special Stage Route 7_11 by yellomello88, on Flickr

"I'm close to 300"

With the speed that he reache it was no time that he reached the finish line.


Special Stage Route 7_15 by yellomello88, on Flickr

"Yes I won 1,000,000 JPY"

As Satoshi hopped out of his car.He asked where is my money Takeshi reluctantly threw the money at Satoshi.

"I will win against you later" Takeshi Thought
 
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And this one does too sorry...

Like has been said, flesh it out a bit with more dialogue, more about the characters, just in general more in each chapter.
 
If you want to use cameos, ask the author of the fanfic that the character originally appeared in first. I don't mean to offend, but I'm against a Hashiriya character appearing in your story unless they're a minor character...in this case, a really minor one.
 
yellomello
Ok sorry about that but do you mind If I use one of your characters
Click to expand...

It would be better to discuss this with PMs/Visitor message via member's page

FInd member>click on name>pick "send private message">type message then send>await response.
 
driftking18594
If you want to use cameos, ask the author of the fanfic that the character originally appeared in first. I don't mean to offend, but I'm against a Hashiriya character appearing in your story unless they're a minor character...in this case, a really minor one.
Click to expand...

There's your answer, yes, but pick a very very small one.
 
If you want someone driving a red R33 I'll help you out with that one.
 

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