Rewriting History: A Time Machine Question

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GilesGuthrie

GilesGuthrie

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So, let's pretend you've been given a time machine. You're allowed to use it to go back through history to make changes to your life, and potentially that of others. You are NOT allowed to use it for financial or material gain. Just for things that would make your life nicer. And let's just assume that all the worthy stuff, such as going and telling Chamberlain that he's being taken for a mug, has already been done.

What would you do?

Some suggestions:
- To visit the inventor of karaoke, and convince him it's a really bad idea.
- To prevent the children's show "Lazy Town" from being written/commissioned/made/distributed.
- To the inventors of the USB interface, to tell them to come up with a nicer name. Like, pointing out how cool "firewire" is, in comparison with you-ess-bee.
- To visit Jean Alesi, to tell him to sign with Williams and not Ferrari.

Right, you go...
 
1. Nudge a sperm so that the one that fertilised the J"K" Rowling foetus missed out to one of its brethen.
2. Inject James Blunt with his own bodyweight in testosterone. Enough to Barry White his stupid falsetto voice. And to kill him.
3. Unleash a virus to kill all sweetcorn. And daddy long legs. And James Blunt.
4. Subliminally influence whomever decided to cancel Threshold, so that they have a change of heart.


I have more. But this will suffice.
 
  • Use Time Machine to add my list to this post.

  • Go back to about 1928 and arrange for F D Roosevelt to die of 'natural causes' while still only Governor of New York.

  • Go back to 1952 and lobby against forcing "under God" into the US Pledge of Allegiance. In fact, let's just go about 9 years farther back and arrange for a little friendly fire to put Tailgunner Joe McCarthy out of action - permanently.

  • Go back to 1954, reassure my father that he will one day have a son, congratulate him on choosing his own path through life instead of following my grandfather's rigid plan for him, and thank him for not trying to make future me follow some pre-planned life/career/path either (note that if I went back and told Dad to follow Grandpa's plan, I'd probably gain materially to quite an extent). Then go forward to about 1978 and convince the young me that I really need to pay more attention and learn everything Dad has to offer while I can.

  • Go back to November 1963 and videotape J F Kennedy's assassination in hi-def from about 9 different camera angles. I have no particular interest in preventing his death; I just want to SHUT OFF THE BLOODY SPECULATION AND CONSPIRACY THEORIZING FOR ONCE AND ALL.

  • Speaking of which, let's use the time machine to convince the young Oliver Stone that a career in Broadway musicals is what he really wants. Broadway musicals can't get any worse; and movies will get a lot better without him making them.

  • Convince Stevie Ray Vaughn that the weather is a little rough for a helicopter ride, and that we'd be happy to drive him instead. :cry:
 
I'd go back a few years and convince myself that the girl I let go of in 1993 was the right one.

I'd spend more time with my grandparents learning about my family history.
I'd stop the guy who made the Barking Dogs Christmas tunes.
I'd go back to 1990 and make sure my brother has a handful of condoms to use.
I wouldn't by the car I did in 1992, nor the one in 1998.

In 1989, I'd have stopped myself from going golfing with my brother. That way, I'd not have been in the way of his backswing.

I'd have liked to have stopped the birth of the Minivan, but I think that was inevitable.
 
There's so many screwed up groups of greedy people (for example, record execs that sign people who try to sing, but obviously can't...anyone who gave a home loan or credit card to anyone who can't afford anything), that I can't even imagine how life would be without these nitwits: I'd spend a lifetime fixing all these errors. And there's so much charity and disasters and misery that one would have to be a three-headed and multi-armed Superman-Buddha-Jesus to save them all.

So I'll focus on my own issues, which is pretty much my own doing, anyhow.

• I'd have paid attention to speed limits in all of a nine-month span of 1995-1996, and looked both ways in 1999. I used to be such a dumb-ass behind the wheel.

• Told one specific GX 470 customer to go to a fully-asterisked hell with asterisk! asterisk! asterisk! the day before my last day of work.

• Did not go to Burger King in January of 2007. I wanted to have a burger, not a brush with death via food poisoning. Break the hands of the individual that didn't do their job properly; whether it was cooking, packing, or failure to wash hands.

Der Alta
I'd spend more time with my grandparents learning about my family history.
Click to expand...
Same here. I wished I brought a recorder.
 
I knew a bisexual girl in High School who was kinda into me, but I was friends with her brother and wasn't into her enough to cross the "I'm going after your sister" boundary. At the time, I didn't realize the potential of getting involved with someone who swings both ways... I realize it now.

Oh, and people I'd like to dissuade from doing what they did:

1) George Lucas (after the original Star Wars trilogy)
2) Rowling (much like Famine)
3) Oprah

ok, mostly Lucas.

and... I'd have to ensure that McCain had a change of heart and suspended his campaign at this point, thereby allowing Ron Paul to become the republican nomination for President. Not sure how exactly I'd do that. Perhaps I'd have to visit Famine's sweetcorn project.
 
In 1995 I would have gone to my High School graduation instead of going out of town with my parents.

In 1997 I would offer to buy my brothers '69 Chevelle SS when he sold it.

In 2000 I would have quit my dead end job a few years earlier.

In 2003 when we had our house built, I would prewire it with CAT 5 and speaker wire.

In 2005 I would make sure that the gate in the back yard was closed so my dog wouldn't have run away.

In 2006 I would have actually gone to look at the couch that my wife said was a good deal, seen the atrocious build quality and said no. Instead, I trusted her judgment, which on this very rare occasion was wrong. We are currently looking for a new couch.

I can't decide if I would "nudge a sperm," as Famine called it, so that my second son wouldn't have CF. He's way too good a kid and who knows what kind of hellion (or other ailment) I would get as a replacement. On the flip side, having the power to take his (or possibly her) CF away with said nudge has it's obvious draws...

There's plenty more, I'm sure. I'm just currently drawing a blank.
 
I think this is a question the older members on GTP can really answer interestingly or properly. I cant think of anything right now apart from doing/saying a few things differently with some females in my life which is a bit booring, thats it really.... Everything else is good with my life....I think.....
 
Go back to 1989 and tell some kind lady I've never met that adoption is by far the best choice and that she is 110% right. And to say thanks. (Seems really blunt...There are far more emotions in it than that)

Go back to 2004 on US-36 in Missouri and not stop at AM Motors outside of Brookfield, Missouri to look at a couple old cars.

Go back to last Saturday and not attempt to replace my spark plugs. (I sheared one in two..the threaded end was stuck in the head) :ouch:

Hmm..

Remove the urge of the Nissan design team to make the GTR so ugly.

Sell more Dreamcasts

Go back to the 1880s and get the settlers in ND to plant a few trees in their territory.

Make Fred phelps decide to go to west point after all. Maybe things would be different.
 
*Prevent Craig Pollock meeting Jaques Villeneuve
*prevent the creation of religion, and introduce a more population freindly system that does not require people totally inconsiderate of someone else's opinion and making points with sod all to prove them.
*As Nissan Tuner said,persuade Ayrton Senna TO retire on the eve of the Imola GP 94 like he was going to. and live in his Angrua villa with Adriane Galisteu for the rest of his life, and occasionally go fishing with Sid Watkins.
I'll update this later.
 
1959 -Find in some way a means of sparing the life of Mike Hawthorn, if just for a few years.
1999 -Replace the faulty tire that cost Toyota victory at Le Mans.
1979 -Convince the Russian engineers to put radioactive shielding in their nuclear aircraft projects.
1993 -Find a means of getting the Toronto Maple Leafs to the Stanley Cup Finals in 1993.
1988 -Convince Borje Salming to take the role of captain for said team.
1990-93 -Help the Buffalo Bills win a championship.
2000 -Talk Leafs management out of signing Bryan McCabe to a huge contract.
1982 -Somehow divert the death of Gilles Villeneuve. His status would be compromised, but he just left too soon.

More to come.
 
Seriously people, can't you be more subtle than killing people? I thought long and hard about this, but not even Magnus Scheving - creator/writer/producer/director/lead actor in Lazy Town deserves to die. These people can just be dissuade from annoying me.
 
GilesGuthrie
Seriously people, can't you be more subtle than killing people?
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No Lucas would have to go. The atrocities he's committed in recent times should carry the most severe punishment. It would be much like the scene in Terminator 2 where they confront Dyson with end result of his research.

"But, you're condemning me for things I haven't even done yet!"

Eventually Lucas would be persuaded to commit suicide during a raid gone-bad on the Lucas Arts compound resulting in an explosion that removed all traces of episodes 1-3. He'd have died an unsung hero, preventing humanity from ever having to learn of the horrors that his work would have brought.
 
- Kancho attack the guys who shot Robert Kennedy and MLK just before they pull the trigger.
- Make sure Goldwater beat LBJ.
- Crash my car into the 9/11 hijackers' carpool vehicle as they leave for the airport.
 
I used the Time machine to put my list in my post on page 1.

And, Giles, I'm sorry, but only death would have prevented unstoppable, evil politicians like Franklin Roosevelt and Joe McCarthy. Note that I left Oliver Stone alive, despite the death he so richly deserves.
 
Where am I going to get Fritos and cornbread if you people keep killing mah sweetcr0n? And if Jean Alesi drove for a team with a good car, we'd rail on him a lot more, rather than praising his talents with crummy F1 cars. But that's for a different forum...

• Convince the creator of the Teletubbies to not drop acid or think of anything else.
 
GilesGuthrie
Seriously people, can't you be more subtle than killing people? I thought long and hard about this, but not even Magnus Scheving - creator/writer/producer/director/lead actor in Lazy Town deserves to die. These people can just be dissuade from annoying me.
Click to expand...

James Blunt - the man voted more annoying than stepping in dog poo, wasps and paper cuts. And no, I didn't just make that up...
 
It would be cool to try out different experiments just to see what happens too.

For instance, I would prevent the CIA from assassinating Mossadeq in Iran. I might also bring a laptop with me and try to get Nazi germany hooked on WoW instead of on conquering Europe.
 
GilesGuthrie
Seriously people, can't you be more subtle than killing people? I thought long and hard about this, but not even Magnus Scheving - creator/writer/producer/director/lead actor in Lazy Town deserves to die. These people can just be dissuade from annoying me.
Click to expand...

Famine
James Blunt - the man voted more annoying than stepping in dog poo, wasps and paper cuts. And no, I didn't just make that up...
Click to expand...

And Jason Plato, supposed professional driver and 'Fifth Gear' TV journo who, when reviewing for said programme, approached a specialist vehicle, (the designers and manufacturers of which I am acquainted) took off his expensive wrap shades, and, with a face that looked as if he had been forced to chew a dog-poo flavoured wasp after cutting his tongue open with some really sharp, stiff, high-qualiity paper that was once owned by high-quality paper-loving James Blunt; simply said...

"I ******* hate cars like this."

Before he had even got within thirty feet of the car under review.

At least James Blunt's got a sense of humour. In fact, if I met James Blunt in the pub, I'd probably buy him a pint. And then ask all his squaddie mates if they'd enjoy helping me smash Jason Plato's pointy face in.
 
I wouldn't want to change everything as I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason. And anyway, my daughter likes LazyTown.
 
I'd go back in time to 1995 and convince myself that what I was about to do was stupid.

And then I'd go to middle school and convince myself to graduate and work hard. Same with highschool.
Currently I'm going to take another senior year to get out. Lamesauce if you ask me.
 
Aww, you guys are going to make Giles a sad panda.

Omnis
- Crash my car into the 9/11 hijackers' carpool vehicle as they leave for the airport.
Click to expand...
I’m surprised more people haven’t mentioned 9/11.

I would:
  • Maybe not crash my car into the 9/11 people, but definitely find some way to avert the disaster.

  • And find some way to avert the disaster of FDR.

  • Convince the writers of the Constitution to make the 2nd Amendment more clear (even though it already is plenty clear), rewrite the Commerce Clause, take out the two “general welfware” clauses, and overall tighten up the entire document. And how about this: make every law expire at the end of the Congressional year, so that congressmen have to concentrate on only re-passing the important laws.

  • Shut up the damn hippies who convinced our government and African governments that DEET and biotech-engineered grains would be bad for African people. Disgusting, heartless jerks.

  • Tell my brother-in-law to get his esophagus thoroughly checked out during his physical exam (he died of esophageal cancer at age 40, and left three young children behind).

  • Find all of Karl Marx’s writings and burn them before he could publish.

  • Smuggle Galileo out of Rome so that the tyrannical Catholics couldn’t oppress him for, you know, actually knowing the truth (which is pretty threatening if you’re running a church).
 

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