The Diary of Frodo...

[emad]

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF FRODO BAGGINS:

Day One:
Feeling much better in House of Elrond after nice long nap. Also, Sam
gave me fabulous backrub and bubble bath. Platonic, brotherly love so
wonderful.
Wasn't quite entirely sure why he needed to suck on my toes, but am
assured it has something to do with Elf medicine.

Day Three
Have agreed to carry Ring to Mordor. In hindsight, probably a bad
move.

Day Four
Aragorn and Boromir had big fight over who got to carry me up Mount
Caradhras. Aragorn shoved Boromir into snowbank. Boromir bit Aragorn
on the ear. Ring must be affecting them more seriously than I thought.

Day Six:
Woke up to find Aragorn playing with buttons on my shirt.
He must be after the Ring. Damn its siren call.
Ah well, Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Day Ten:
Today Legolas began stroking my inner thigh with his bow.
Was stunned. Had no idea Legolas wanted the Ring too.
It must truly be an object of awesome power.

Day Eleven:
Gandalf showed me very strange trick he can do. Apparently pointy
wizard hat not just for show.
Wonder if Ring is affecting him, or perhaps he is just v. peculiar.

Day 24 :
Finally feel rested. Is too dark in Mines of Moria for Aragorn to
find me and pinch me as he has been doing lately.
Gandalf fell into shadow. Was sad to see pointy hat go.

Day 27 :
Lothlorien so pretty. Galadriel pretty too. Offered her One Ring, but
she kept saying, "No, there's something else I'd rather have from you,
Frodo Baggins," and trying to slide foot up inside my breeches. So, gave
her my extra pair of breeches since she seemed fond of them. Maybe some kind

of breeches shortage in Lothlorien.

Day 30 :
Rowed all day in boats. V. tired. Merry and Pippin offered to give me
a group massage. Nice to have such v. concerned friends. Glad Ring is
not affecting them. Although did not need back rubbed quite so much, nor
other parts.
Pippin does remember we're cousins, right?
Right?

Day 33 :
Boromir tried to take the Ring. Am not entirely certain, but am
fairly sure he also tried to have a little cuddle. Was most unnerving,
as Boromir quite huge.

Day 36 :
Everyone keeps hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to Mordor.
Sam coming too. Good thing, as will enable me to have more of those
platonic, brotherly foot massages he's so good at.
Am sad to leave rest of Company though, as found myself quite
fancying the idea of shagging Gimli. Chunky braids and huge helmet
quite a turn-on.
Ah, well, he never would have liked me anyway.

 

[emad]

The Very Secret Diary of Boromir of Gondor

Day One:
Went to Council of Elrond. Aragorn acting all superior as usual. He
thinks he's so great because he's shagging that bit of elf crumpet
on the side. I mean just because someone has a broad chest, firm,
defined muscles, an outdoorsy tan and loads of manly stubble doesn't
mean that....what?
Got distracted there for a bit.
Seem to have agreed to go on some sort of mission while distracted by
Aragorn's enormous...rudeness.

Ooops.

Day Three
Stupid Ring, stupid Quest, stupid Fellowship.

Day Four
Frodo dropped Ring today. Picked it up, but Aragorn made me give it back.
Arrogant bastard. Wonder how he'd feel with Horn of Gondor shoved
right up his...

Stupid Ring.

Day Four:
Is obvious that Aragorn is strangely attracted to Frodo.
Ha Ha! Ha!
Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Day Six:
Aragorn still into Frodo. "Boromir, give the Ring back to Froooodoo."
"Boromir, let *me* carry Frodo up Caradhras." "Boromir, quit trying
to cut off Frodo's head while he's asleep so you can get at the Ring."
Blatant favoritism most annoying.

Day Ten:
Why isn't Aragorn into me ?

Day Eleven:
Carried Frodo out of Mines of Moria.
Kind of liked it, actually.
Hope am not turning into pervy hobbit-fancier like Uncle Windermir.
Not after what happened to *him.* Merry and Pippin are cute little
things, too...
In other news, Gandalf died.

Day 30:
In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite a babe. Feel sure she was attracted to
my rugged yet unwashed manliness.
Legolas took a bath in her fountain. Got in trouble. Ha. Ha. Big elfy
git. Am quite sure he dyes his hair. Also, he has spot on his nose.
Aragorn suggested we take baths as well. Only realized in nick of
time he did not mean with each other.
Stupid Aragorn.

Day 33 :

Frodo being all weird about the Ring. Won't even let me look at it. Must
admit I had a bit of a tussle with him trying to get a gander at it.
Rolled around on him till he went invisible. Resisted urge to have a little

cuddle (made easier when he punched me in the face.)
Aragorn would be jealous. Ha!

Day 35:
Killed by orcs.
Stupid orcs.

 

[emad]

THE SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN

Day One:
Ringwraiths killed: 4. V. good.
Met up with Hobbits. Walked forty miles. Skinned a squirrel and ate it.
Still not King.

Day Four:
Stuck on mountain with Hobbits. Boromir really annoying.
Not King yet.

Day Six:
Orcs killed: none. Disappointing. Stubble update: I look rugged and manly.
Yes!
Keep wanting to drop-kick Gimli. Holding myself back.
Still not King.

Day Ten:
Sorry no entries lately. V. dark in Mines of Moria. Big Baelrog.
Not King today either.

Day Eleven:
Orcs killed: 7. V. good. Stubble update: Looking mangy.
Legolas may be hotter than me.
I wonder if he would like me if I was King?

Day 28:
Beginning to find Frodo disturbingly attractive. Have a feeling if I
make a move, Sam would kill me. Also, hairy feet kind of a turn-off.
Still not King.

Day 30:
In Lothlorien. Think Galadriel was hitting on me. Saucy wench.
Nice chat with Boromir. He's not so bad.
Took a shower. Yay!
But still not King.

Day 32:
Orcs killed: none. Stubble update: subtly hairy.
Legolas told me that a shadow and a threat had been growing in his mind.
I think Legolas might be kinda gay.
Nope, not King.

Day 33:
Orcs killed: Countless thousands. V. good.
Boromir killed by Orcs. Bummer. Though he died bravely in my arms, am
now quite sure that he was very definitely gay.
Not so sure about Gimli either.
RIP Boromir.
Still not King, but at least Boromir seemed to think I was. Might
however have been blood loss.

Day 34:
Frodo went to Mordor. Said he was going alone, but took Sam with him. Why?

My God, is everyone in this movie gay but me?
Not so sure about me either.
Still not King, goddammit

 

[emad]

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF GANDALF THE GREY

Day One:
In Shire. Stunning vista of innocent and pastoral beauty. Is it me, or
was Frodo just hanging around in that field masturbating before I came
along?

Day Two:
Bilbo's Birthday party improved by substantial amount of hobbit weed.
Everyone sho nice. Bilbo nice too. Lights sho pretty. Frodo not bad
either. Hobbits sho cuddly. Whups. Fellover.

Day Three:
Massive fecking hangover. Off to Minas Tirith for some aspirin.

Day Twelve:
Went to Saruman for advice about Ring but he had become evil. Nobody
tells me anything. Apparently there was a memo. Radagast the Brown
probably stealing paper out of my inbox again.

Day Thirteen :

Stuck on top of tower. Great view, but constant pelting sleet not good
for pointy hat. Am amusing self by spitting gum down on the Orcs.

Day Fourteen :
Visited again by Saruman who tried to grab a feel. As if!

Day Sixteen :
Am lonely. Saruman maybe not so unattractive after all. If only were
not for giantly flaring nostrils and huge clawlike fingernails...okay
you'd think I might have figured out he was evil before.

Day Nineteen :
Escaped. Am in Rivendell. Sam slightly out of control. Keeps giving
Frodo baths. Elves all out of strawberry-scented soap now. Elrond
getting annoyed.

Day Twenty :
Elrond has decided to send Frodo away as is tired of never being able
to get into the first-floor bathroom. Big folderol about Ring. Have
agreed to go with Fellowship in case Sam might decide to give ME a
bath. Could use one.

Day Twenty-One:
Aragorn obviously into Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Asked Sam to give me a bath. He said, "Ha ha, Mister Gandalf, you're
not serious." Useless git.

Day Twenty-Three :
V. cold on top of Caradhras. Aragorn won fight about who got to carry
Frodo up the mountain. Boromir sulking. If Legolas keeps nancing about
on top of the snow, may have to hit him with my staff.

Day Twenty-Five :
Do not want to go through Mines of Moria, as suspect Balrog still
angry about bad date we went on back in Second Age.

Day Twenty-Six:
In Mines of Moria. Yep, Balrog still angry.

Day Twenty-Seven:
Fell into shadow. Balrog such a prat. Had to do some quite unspeakable
things before he would let me leave the caverns. Have decided not to
tell the rest of Fellowship. Will make up story about having engaged
in huge battle instead. Off to see Elrond to get quite unpleasant
third degree burns in embarassing places treated. Hope Elrond does not
laugh at me. If he does, will tell everyone about his dirty weekend with Sauron. Ha!