The Family Guy Quotes

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Thought it would be fun. Just like the Simpsons thread, but for The Family Guy. I'll start things off.

*Chris on the phone*
Chris: So what are you wearing right now? Hahahaha...wow, I bet you can see right through that.
Lois: Chris, who are you talking to?
Chris: Grandma.
 
Peter Griffin: If you could be stranded on a desert island with any woman in the world, who would it be?
Glen Quagmire: Taylor Hanson.
Joe Swanson: Taylor Hanson is a guy.
Glen Quagmire: [Laughs] You guys are yankin' me. "Hey, let's put one over on Quagmire."
Peter Griffin: No, he's actually a guy, Quagmire.
Glen Quagmire: What? That's insane. That's impossible.
[Pause]
Glen Quagmire: Oh god! Oh my god! I've got all these magazines! Oh god!
 
Originally posted by regulate
Peter Griffin: If you could be stranded on a desert island with any woman in the world, who would it be?
Glen Quagmire: Taylor Hanson.
Joe Swanson: Taylor Hanson is a guy.
Glen Quagmire: [Laughs] You guys are yankin' me. "Hey, let's put one over on Quagmire."
Peter Griffin: No, he's actually a guy, Quagmire.
Glen Quagmire: What? That's insane. That's impossible.
[Pause]
Glen Quagmire: Oh god! Oh my god! I've got all these magazines! Oh god!
Click to expand...

rotfl.gif
I loved that episode. I cant think of any quotes but Family Guy is coming on in about an hour so I might then.
 
I forget what they actually said but it went something like this.
Peter: that was a stupid call and I know stupid calls
scence changes to memory
phone rings Lois answers
Peter: I can't take out the garbage because I'm at work.
Lois: No you aren't your in the kitchen I can see you!
***
Peter: We all know that christmas is when Jesus rises from the grave to feed on the living,...
 
stewie: you! cut my bread
you! cut my egg
and you! cut my milk
servant: sir, i cannot cut milk it is a liquid.
stewie: you inbicile! freeze it then cut it!
you two! fight to the death
(two servants grab weapons of opportunity and bash eachother)
 
Originally posted by kirkis9
stewie: you! cut my bread
you! cut my egg
and you! cut my milk
servant: sir, i cannot cut milk it is a liquid.
stewie: you inbicile! freeze it then cut it!
you two! fight to the death
(two servants grab weapons of opportunity and bash eachother)
Click to expand...
:lol: :lol: :lol:
i forgot a quote but it was when stewie had a cahnce on killing Lois but she can alive what did he say on his tape deck
 
Meg: Oh my god! I'm going up to my room to eat a whole bowl of peanuts.

(Peter and Lois stare)

I'm alergic to peanuts!

(Peter and Lois stare)

You two don't know anything about me.

(Meg runs upstairs)

Peter: Who the hell was that guy?
 
Originally posted by nightkids4ever
:lol: :lol: :lol:
i forgot a quote but it was when stewie had a cahnce on killing Lois but she can alive what did he say on his tape deck
Click to expand...
Something like "It apears that with death inactive the rules of death are inactive...................nik wak patty wak give a dog a bone"
 
"Peter, what did you promise me last night?" "That I wouldn't drink at the stag party," "And what did you do?" "Drank at the stag part oh ho ho, I almost walked into that one,"
 
These are off the top of my head, so I might get some parts wrong.

Peter's evil side: "It's okay to lie to women. They aren't people like us."

Peter hanging in a net upside down on the planet of the apes: "How many dirty stinking apes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three. One dirty stinking ape to screw in the lightbulb, and two dirty stinking apes to throw feces at eachother!"

In car navigation computer: "In Soviet Union, road forks you"

"You're going to have a fun time at our house, Jenna Jameson" - Peter to a bound and gagged Jenna Jameson
 
I just had to restart this thread because of something funny that just happened.

I'm currently watching the episode when the guys bar turned into a lesbian bar. Quagmire walks up to two gals kissing each other and said, "Have you gals ever been penetrated?" I did a classic "spit take" all over the table in front of me. It caught me completely off guard. :lol: Lucky for me it was only water.
 
Solid, which season is that episode from? I have the first two on DVD and don't remember that one.
 
Originally posted by tabs
Solid, which season is that episode from? I have the first two on DVD and don't remember that one.
Click to expand...

Sorry, I don't have a clue. The episode dealt with the guys loosing their bar, and the new owner turns it into a British bar. The new owner, a British guy that sounds just like Peter, sets fire to it for the insurance money. Then, the guys get blamed for it, and go to jail.

Stewie falls in love with a British girl, and tries to turn into a [cheesy british accent]"proper lady"[/cheesy british accent].

Stewie "You must pronounce the Hs. H-H-H-House, H-H-H-Heaven..."

Britsh Girl "Eeewww! Your breath smells like a cat box!"

Stewie "I was curious!"

:lol:
 
lol I love that one "Thank you god"peter then god who's siting on a horse next to him says no problem then galups of into the sunset.
 
When Brian and Stewie were setting up the bet to teach the british kid how to speak:

Stewie: "What are the stakes of this wager?"

Brian: "How about you shut up for about a week?"

Stewie: "Very well, and if I win?"

Brian: "No, I wasn't betting, why don't you just shut up for about a week?"
 
stewie : happy 45 birthday lois
i forgot the ep but stewie said i left a ticking time bomb and then he says what i put
 
I think that was the ep where Peter and Lois went to a marriage counselor (sp) (I think) They got into a discussion regarding Stewie's first ever hostile act or something and Stewie mentions:
"...Technically it would have to be that bomb I left in Lois' uterus... happy 50th birthday Lois."

In that same ep, I got a kick out of him when he catches Lois saying she was a bad mother on tape, then when he plays the tape recorder all you hear is Stewie doing a make-believe radio show.

Stewie: *stops tape* "I-I was doing radio shows for fun, everybody does it, at-at least every.. everybody I know, it's... SHUT UP!" *rushes out of the room*
 
On the bus going to the femisism camp:

Peter- Ok I have a great Idea: I'll be Charlie and you all can be my angels(looks at the fat one)...except you...you can be Bosley.
 
Pea-Tear-griffin: That's about as funny as Sinbad. not the comedian, he's hilarious, the sailor. but then again, he was never meant to be funny.

Peter: Im sorry, mr. weed, me and my family were in a terrible plane crash. everyone else is dead and i am now a vegtable. see you tomorrow.
follow-up later:
(at Bo Sox game)
Mr. Weed: Peter?
Peter: oh, hiya mr. weed. ummm about that plane crash? it turned out to be gas.
Later:
(In mr. weeds office)
Peter: i heard you ran into my identical twin brother at the ball game yesterday. and if you dont buy that, im sorry i was at the ball game yesterday.
 
Originally posted by Sleek Stratos
I think that was the ep where Peter and Lois went to a marriage counselor (sp) (I think) They got into a discussion regarding Stewie's first ever hostile act or something and Stewie mentions:
"...Technically it would have to be that bomb I left in Lois' uterus... happy 50th birthday Lois."

In that same ep, I got a kick out of him when he catches Lois saying she was a bad mother on tape, then when he plays the tape recorder all you hear is Stewie doing a make-believe radio show.

Stewie: *stops tape* "I-I was doing radio shows for fun, everybody does it, at-at least every.. everybody I know, it's... SHUT UP!" *rushes out of the room*
Click to expand...
thats it
 
Peter:I'll take this one, but I won't pay a cent over 60 bucks.
Salesman: Sir, that casket costs $1000.
Peter: Ok, 70 bucks.
Salesman: What??
Peter: 2000 bucks.
Salesman:That's twice what it costs.
Peter: 40 bucks.
Salesman: What?!
Brian: He...he doesn't know how to haggle.
 
Those lines tabs put up reminded me of an ep where Quagmire, Peter and the guy in the wheelchair (can't remember his name) were at a prison auction.

Auctioneer: "Up for bid, these panties that were confiscated from a prostitute."

Quagmire: "Fifty bucks!"

Auctioneer: "She had 9 STDs."

Quagmire: *pauses* "Forty-five bucks."

Auctioneer: "And when she was arrested she wet herself."

Quagmire: *pauses again* "Fifty bucks."
 

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