So I'll go through the show each exhibit at a time, starting from Ram in the bottom right and going up to the far end of the hall, then left one and back to the near end of the hall until I've hit all the marques.
Ram: Nothing really new here. Promaster looks great in person. Looks to easily be the best of the large workvans. Transit was not present, however.
Jeep: Everything sucks except Renegade. Renegade looks like it could be a hit for Jeep. Too bad it was stuck on a pedestal where NOBODY paid it any attention. It should have been on the floor instead of the fugly Cherokees.
Y U NOT ON FLOOR?!
Dodge: Alright! This was the first interesting thing. New Challenger interior, new Charger... Oh wait-- where's the Charger? THEY DIDN'T HAVE A CHARGER ON THE FLOOR! But there was this darn thing...
Look at those curves
They brought a Hellcat, but they put the pussy on a pedestal...
I'll give FCA credit where credit is due: they always have the youngest, most smokin' booth babes.
Here's some more porn... (of the engine variety)
It's a HEMI and it'll give you a STEMI
Also, did they change the Dart interior at all? It's a lot better than I remember. Seats are pretty good for the segment, and my leg rests nicely on the contoured sides of the console.
Legcellent
Kneervana
Remember: 6'4" Size 16 4Es up in the pedalbox. This will give me some problems later.
Challenger was improved greatly but still suffered from a leg area and
terrible seats. The seats felt like I was sitting on a roll of carpeting. The suede/felt material is terrible and there's a very noticeable bump down the middle of the seat and seatback. It feels just like sitting on a rolled up rug.
Chrysler: Nothing new besides the 200. Not crazy about the 300. The seats are mushy and awful. Reminds me of the first Genesis mixed with Lincoln Town Car. The 200 seems nice but then you get in it and slam your knee on the AWFUL center console. This thing is so huge and stupid. It's completely in the way of your existence. It's like, "I'm the CENTER CONSOLE! I'm the center of attention here! HELLO! ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION TO ME?!"
Knee cancer in the making
The console is a face. Its knobs are two eyes and a nose. The parking brake is its open mouth shouting, "HEY LOOK AT ME!"
I honestly don't understand how anyone could drive this thing. It
hurts to sit in the driver's seat with your leg against the console. Just look at it bludgeoning my tibiofibular joint.
Fiat: Oh, look! 500s and 500Ls. I opened the door to an Abarth 500 and began ingress before absolutely smashing my knee right into the gearshift console. Oh my god did that hurt. I'm pretty sure FCA hates knees. I think they don't want people to be able to walk to the other brands' exhibits. The 500 is small and terrible. It's the car version of one of those awful euro washing machines that only uses a cup of water per cycle and only fits 5 pairs of underwear and a sock per load.
Then there's the 500L. Who the hell thought of this thing? I got inside and the windshield is so tall and far away that it feels like you're at the Georgia Aquarium. It's like driving a bus. You could build a 1/8th scale replica of Radio City Music Hall on top of the dashboard. The rest of the car is pointless and stupid. Buy a Jeep Renegade instead.
Memory Lane: Some cool classics. Nothing you guys haven't seen before. Anyone know what this thing does on this old Buick?
Wot iz dis?
Looks like some kind of pump with a hose attached. There was only one hose attached to it though.
Topless In Miami: Convertibles. F-type. Very narrow inside for such a wide car. The interior has all the charming amenities of a standard-mill kayak. Coupe felt like it had more headroom. The drop top made me uneasy. Also, **** you guys that say you're over 6 feet tall and fit in a Miata. There is no way.
"Yeah, but there's no room for my helmet."
Category: Cars in which you practically sit indian style. The answer is always Miata.
No room to operate pedals. Left foot won't rest on dead pedal without hitting clutch.
Console shunted my leg left. I shall call it Pastor Maldonado.
Hey, there. It's a Jagggg
Also, they had this lady dressed like a hoochie working the attraction. I felt bad for her-- she was such an attractive girl and she had legs for miles, but they put her in these huge high heels and this hoochie outfit with her ass and tits hanging out. She did not fit in with the rest of the well-dressed promotional models. You can tell that whole deal was organized by some Miami scumbag.
That's the first column of the show floor. More to come later, beginning with Kia.
