From a Steven Wright quotes website:
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.
On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...
Is "tired old cliche" one?
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. - "We're surrounded."
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the
ocean would be if that didn't happen.
It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
If anyone feels compelled to answer the rhetorical questions in this lot, please at least provide correct answers, not like that rubbish about light getting stuck in a headlamp....
