This is goodbye

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kikie

I'm here
In Memoriam
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24,178
Belgium
in the land of stupidity
Like it says in the title off this thread, I'm leaving GTP indefinitely. It's been good but it is time to work on myself.

Last year in april I got myself in an acute depression. I started to think about something which I was afraid off. I started to look up for some information about this and the more I read the more I got scared. I felt the fear getting stronger in body day after day. I couldn't stop reading about it which was feeding my fear even more. I did this for about 3 weeks, non stop, full time. I even got out of bed to look up some more.
Fear took over my body and life which resulted in a total chemical imbalance in my brain and I broke down, just like that. I was rushed to the hospital (psychiatric ward) and was giving zyprexa to get some rest. It helped for a couple off days but I was too far gone. I returned home and things got worse. Back to the hospital, got some rest but no medication.

Last summer I went in and out these institutions. Then july 31 I got a major nervous breakdown and was rushed again to a hospital. This time a specialised univerity hospital. By then I was taking Serlain 50 mg which isn't even strong enough to sedate a fly. The gave me temesta 2.5 mg (4 pills of 2.5 mg a day) to calm me down. Then the tests begun. All kind off tests you can imagion. Even an IQ test. I have to say that I was having a little nervous breakdown and I was somewhat sedated when I had to take that IQ test. I scored terribly low. But what did they expect under these circumstances. I could barely remember my name. :sly:

They took a cardiogram, took an X-ray from my lungs, tested my blood more than once (even for diabetes).

After 14 days the psychologists were finished with my tests. I was finally going to find out what was wrong with me. I was thinking about psychoses, borderline etc... but no, it was just a depression. I am not even shizofrenic (sorry for the spelling). The psychiatrist told that I was suffering from the worst depression one can have. Depression 4!

During this month I was allowed to come home during the weekends. After a month I left this hospital and went home. I was to go to a day hospital. From 9 - 4. This place made me even more depressed and I didn't want to go anymore but I had to. So somewhere in the middle of september on a sunday evening I took an overdosis of pills. The next morning my father found me and I was rushed to the ER. I woke up the next day in the hospital.

I can't remember much about october and november but in december I went to Austria (skiing). At the end of november I went to a psychiatrist and he gave me new medication ==> cymbalta 60 mg. These meds weren't right for me. Every single week or every 14 days, I had a severe nervous breakdown which always lasted for 3 to 4 days. I always got out off it on my own. So after 6 months me and my shrink decided that these were the wrong meds for me. He put me back on serlain but this time 150 mg. All went well till last week when I collapsed again and lasted for 14 days. And now I am again on another drug since tuesday. This is the strongest anti depressant there is. They are not working yet. I still have to wait a couple off weeks .

This last year has been very hard for me. Every morning without any exception I wake up with a strong depressed feeling. It feels like I brake down all the serotonine during my sleep, I builded up during the day. The last few days I have been sleeping on the seat during the day and everytime I wake up I get this anxiety attackes which I can't get rid off. I'm afraid to go to bed because I have to wake up and now what I will feel.==> depression and anxiety.
At this moment I feel pretty good, even normal. No depression, no anxiety, no fears.

The weekend of the UKGTP7 I had a major nervous breakdown. Luckly I wasn't in England when this happend. When you guys were having fun, I was suffering.

Another thing I can't get rid off is the thought of killing myself. If I'm low on serotonine and noradrelanine, I get these urges to kill myself. I have to fight these thoughts all the time. It's like these thoughts are taking over my brain and force me to do something I don't want to do. But when I'm down, I want to kill myself. But I always have to wait till evening untill my father goes to bed and around bed time I mostly feel good so the urge to kill myself is over, what a dilemma. This is due to the fact that my serotonine level is just high enough to feel good.

At this point of my life I have nothing to contribute to GTP and decided to leave. If I get over this depression, I come back. If I have suicide plans, I'll let all of you know.


Take care you all, even the depressed once, lol

Thanks for everything and Godspeed.

Bye


:) kikie (Chris)
 
I hope to still speak with you on msn

And there are a lot of users on here who contribute far less then you, and they don't have a depression ;)

I hope you get out of it, so that your life can return to normal.
 
Chris, you know that this web forum is a place where you will always be welcome. Your very presence here is all the contribution you ever needed to make, and hopefully you will stop by again when the time is right.

I can only offer you my sincerest best wishes and hope that you can somehow overcome this terrible illness - I do know a couple of people who also suffer from various forms of depression, and so I atleast have some idea (albeit secondhand) of the difficulties you are facing. The fact that you are tackling this problem the best way you can is a tremendous credit to you, though, and I wish you the best of luck for the future.
 
It's nice to see you want to improve your situation. You were a pretty decent guy while you were here. I hope to see again, when you get things worked out.

Best of luck. 👍
 
I'm blown away Chris, a little bit emotional as well, that has to be said. So, is there anything you can do about it? I could say "Hey buddie, take a trip to Norway and we'll camp up in the mountains together" but reading it's that bad...:scared:

Seriously though, if I'd still live in Belgium, I'd contact you rightaway, keep in contact with DD 👍


Oh and, don't worry about the "contributing" thing right now, there a LOT of other members which are waaaay worse than you :lol:



Good luck!
 
Good luck, and best wishes, man. Your posts from now on will be highly anticipated from me. :guilty:
 
Your situation is all too familiar and I wish you continued peace and relief from depression. Please remember that solitude only perpetuates the depression which further feeds isolation. It's a vicious spiral downward. If you're on meds that work, KEEP TAKING THEM, especially if you're feeling better and think you don't need them any longer.

Peace and take care Chris. For what it's worth, these exits are never necessary as members always find their way back home. :)

:cheers:
 
You've been brilliant here. Your story is inspiring - managing to fight through every day, and not just languish in self-pity. Good luck, and I look forward to seeing you back :)
 
Good luck Chris and hope that everything goes well in the future:tup:
 
Good luck kikie, Depression is like fighting your own 'extremists', you've got the mindset to get through it but these things take time.

Good luck.
 
Take care of yourself, Chris. I hope everything works out for you.
 
You have my best wishes for becoming better from me, Chris.

Do keep this up for as long as possible - it will become better eventually. It might be easy for me to say all this, I know, but it'll be worth the effort in the end.
 
Its been nice man, and I wish you luck in whatever you do in life. Come back sometime and keep us posted on how life and everything is, some of us worry about you. :cheers:
 
I can only re-iterate what everyone has said, and from the experience of meeting people that are depressed: Continue to take your medications, since the previously-prescribed medicines need time to wear off, and the new medicines require time to take effect. Continue to see your psychologist; hopefully you are with one that cares about your well-being, being with family and friends that care and that have patience are just as important.

That said, you're always welcome here. You haven't done anything wrong here in my book. You've also spoken honestly, courteously, and openly about your problems, which is more than I can say for some over-zealous attention-seekers around here.
 
Kikie, whatever you may think, you are definitely a well respected member here. I don't think I could say a bad word about you and as I think this thread proves, your well liked. I wish you all the best, but don't hesitate to get in touch if you just want a friendly word, my help with your problem can only go so far but regardless of that don't become a stranger to us all here and best of luck ;)👍.
 
Sincerly wish you good luck Kikie and really really hope you come back safe and sound in the near future man.

I dont think you have to stop coming on GTP if you feel you dont have anything to contribute though. Like Dave said, your one of the respected members here, that wont change. You can spend hours here reading different topics and get your mind off real life issues for a while, dont even have to post if you dont want to.


Like everyone above said, dont be stranger! Were here for you whenever.

👍
 
Good Luck Chris... if you feel you have nothing to contribute to GTP, that shouldn't stop you from coming over and posting... or at least it doesn't stop most members of us ;)

You may want to take a break from GTP, but no one really leaves. Godspeed and see you around soon :)
 
Good luck and best wishes, Chris. 👍
 
You'll always be welcome back Chris!

Hope to see you again soon good buddy...
 
Good luck, and please comeback one day. You'll get over your problems soon enough.👍
 
Best of luck Chris, be sure to post back here when your all 100% again. :)
 
Good luck with the whole ordeal. The best suggestion I can give you is find an activity you like to do ( nothing suicidal ;) ) and get out there and do it. It'll take your mind off of the thoughts you are having and maybe relax you. My friend had a suicidal meltdown, at the point where the knife he had was right at his neck about to get forced in, but a few weeks later, me and him went riding bikes (I BMX, trick stuff on bikes) and he just rode along. He got interested and he's doing it till this day. Not once again, has he had a breakdown or a thought about not being around.
 
I want to quote everything that the people before me had written. Its the old 'not quantity, but quality' thing. I've not had the pleasure of knowing you personally, but i've never doubted, second guessed or been offended by anything you written.
Take comfort in the obvious fact that your respected here and will be missed and don't be a stranger.
It take a lot of courage and strength to accept personal problems, ten times more to deal with them. Credit to you Chris. Can't wait to see you return on top form, which i'm sure you will do just as soon as you can.

good luck.
 
I can only reiterate what everyone else has said so far. I don't see any reason why you should leave GTP, since you've always been, in my books, a top member. The way you've written that post, and your absolute honesty, only shows that.

I can understand if GTP (like it does to so very many of us) takes up a lot of your time and you need to focus your time on another activity, but if you are thinking of taking time out to focus on yourself, then I'd have to say it's a bad idea if you're planning on spending a lot of time on your own.

As Pako said, loneliness feeds depression. Even if you aren't lonely, depression runs thoughts through your head when you're on your own and makes the situation a lot worse, than if you were doing something you enjoyed (like being here on GTP).

So I can only hope you've found something distracting to do with your time..

Either way, best of luck to you and I hope you overcome this.

:cheers:
 
Well Kikie.... Its gonna be sad to see you leave, but I really hope to see you back here soon. :)

You are a really great member, and I hope you straighten everything out.
 
Yeah, kikie seemed like a cool member.

Chris, don't kill yourself, there's no reason to. When you kill yourself, you also kill others that enjoyed your presence. I can remember the time I wanted to kill myself, but then I remembered all the things I will miss out on. My family, friends, Sarah, Katie, Natasha, GTP, Gran Turismo 5... :indiff:

When you kill yourself, everyone else can't stop thinking about you, or why you left them. You will always be in thier hearts and thoughts.

Thats how I felt when my grandfather passed away. :(

So yeah, no need to go to the knife. Stay alive Chris! 👍

CNG
 
Where does he say "suicide"?
 
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