Tom's Joke Thread.

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THE VALUE OF UNDIES

Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working
under your vehicle ... especially in public.

From the Sydney Morning Herald in Australia comes this
story of a couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to
have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told
his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the
car there in the lot. The wife returned later to see a
small group of people near the car.

On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding
from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts,
they had ridden up his legs, and his lack of underpants
had turned his private parts into glaringly public ones.


Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped
forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked
everything back into place. On regaining her feet she looked
across the hood and found herself staring at her husband
who was standing idly by. The poor mechanic under the car
had to have three stitches in his head.
 
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on
top of their car which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."


A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told
them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.


Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
"JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the cop, "How come you don't
stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their
sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took
their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when
he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign
on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up
with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:


"TWO FALLEN ANGELS SEEKING PETER---$50.00."
 
One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking
down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog
had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance
today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.


The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said,
"Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will
grant you both three wishes...Bear, you go first." The
bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was said,
"I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to
be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and
immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity
of the rabbit wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish
that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."


Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped
on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that
the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all,
he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.


For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then
said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides
me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I
wish that the bear was gay..."
 
The Harried Pharmacist

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by
his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist.
He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the
phamacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more
than a few words, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute,
please listen to my side of it...

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late
getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to
the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both
house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get
my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding
ticket.

Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat
tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people
waiting for me to open up. I opened and started waiting
on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing
off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels
against the cash register drawer to make change, and they
spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and
knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing.
When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer,
which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch
of perfume bottles on it...all of them hit the floor and
broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up,
and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted
to know how to use a rectal thermometer...and, honest mister,
all I did was tell her!"
 
The Elephant and the Man

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

''It's nice, but can it pick up peanuts?''
 
The Ferrari F1 Team fired their entire Pit- Crew Yesterday. The announcement was followed by Ferrari’s Decision to take advantage of the English Government’s “Work For the Dole” Scheme and hire unemployed youths from Liverpool.
The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths in Liverpool were able to remove a set of car wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari’s existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds.
This was thought to be an excellent yet bold move by Ferrari Management, as most races are won & lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an advantage over every team.
However Ferrari expectations were easily exceeded, as during the Crews first practice session; not only were “da boyz from Bootle” able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds but within 12 seconds they had resprayed, rebadged, and had sold the vehicle over to the McLaren Team for four dozen Stella’s and a gram of Charlie.
 
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.
So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink
elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

(are you ready?)



(are you sure?)


The bank manager looks back at her and says;

"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone. "
 
whats the difference between a junkie and a prostitute.......................... a prostitute can washer her crack and use it again
 
Originally posted by slip2rock
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.
So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink
elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

(are you ready?)



(are you sure?)


The bank manager looks back at her and says;

"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone. "
Click to expand...

:lol:
 
Originally posted by slip2rock (with a little editting on my half
BLAH BLAH BLAH..................................
The bank manager looks back at her and says;

"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone. "
Click to expand...

A releiving teacher I had cracked that joke a few days ago, he also had this one:

A (insert race/nationality here) cowboy walks into a bar and sits down and has a drink.

15 Minutes later he walks out to find his horse had been stolen, he looked all around but it just wasnt where he had tied it up.

So he walks back into the bar, pulls out his gun and shoots the ceiling a couple of times to get everyones attention and says: "My horse has been stolen and if it isnt back by the time I get my next beer, Im gonna do what I did in Texas"

So he sits down, has another beer and sure enough, when he goes back outside theres his horse right back where he left it.

Intrigued, the barman goes outside and asks: "What did you do in Texas??"

To which the cowboy replied: "I walked home."
 
Thought this thread was dead? Think again.

Dear Abby:

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me.
She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me.
Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door...There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test. Abby,
should I tell my fiancee' what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?
 
A pissed off Cowboy walks into a bar and yells above the noise.
Okay, this isn't funny which one of you lousy jerks painted my damn horse green?!
I'm pissed and I want to know right now which one of you (expletive of your choice) painted my horse green. I want to have a word with you!

Finally, the biggest cowboy in the place, A fellow about 6 foot 8, weighing in at about 350 pounds, most of it obviously muscle stands up and says, "quit yer yellin' little man. I painted your funny lookin' horse green! What do you want to tell me?
Looking up at this mountain of a man the first Cowboy says the only intelligent thing he can think of....











Well sir, the first coat is dry.
 
A biker is out fishing and he runs out of bait. As he is sitting there trying to decide what to do a snake slithers by with a frog in its mouth.
The biker figures that the frog might make pretty good bait. Thinking quickly he pulls a pint of Jack Daniels out of his tackle box and pours a bit on a rock near the snake.
The snake then drops the frog and laps up the JD.
The bikers snatches up the hapless frog and chums him up for bait and goes back to fishing.
A little later he feels a nudge on his leg. He looks down to see the same snake back again.....










with another frog.
 
Originally posted by Tom McDonnell
Thought this thread was dead? Think again.

Dear Abby:

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me.
She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me.
Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door...There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test. Abby,
should I tell my fiancee' what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?
Click to expand...

Nice! :rotfl:
 
They were alone in the house. It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come up quickly and each time the thunder boomed, he watched her jump.

She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance. She wished that he would take her in his arm, comfort her, protect her from the storm. She wanted that...

Then the power went out.

She screamed.

He raced to the sofa where she was cowering. He did not hesitate to pull her into his arms. He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back. He was surprised when she didn't resist, but instead clung to him.

The storm raged on, as did their growing passion, and there came a moment when each knew that they had to be together. They knew it was wrong. Their families would not understand.

But they were so consumed in their passion they didn't hear the door or the click of the light switch.

The power was back on....... click
 
French Lubricant Ad, keep looking, you'll get it.
 

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If the spacing of those bits is consistent, I'm sure this has created quite a stir.
I think I'll take a search party in and find the tube of lube.
I'll also tie a 6' long 2 x 4 to myself so I can climb back out.
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
 

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