Who's your daddy?

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milefile

milefile

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My dad is a prick. He always has been. It hurts to say it, because I guess in some way I love him, although it's never benefited me to do so.

He worked hard to support my brother, sister, mother, and I, and although we lived frugally, we never went without. He was a good provider. But i think there is more to it than that. Anyone can go to work and hand his paycheck over to his wife.

He was physically abusive. Never to my mom or my sister except in a few, rare instances when she got smacked in the mouth for smarting off or something (not my mom). And my brother is much younger than my sister and I so he mostly escaped it, I think because my dad was just too old and fat to chase him down. So it was me who took the brunt of his rage. For years I was convinced I'd put it all behind me and forgiven him. In the past six months or so, however, I've been questioning whether or not I really have forgiven him, or if it is even possible to put a childhood ruined by an abusive father behind you.

In March my son was born. That's when the questions started. I looked at him and thought about him and loved him more than anything, and eventually I ended up asking the question "how could anyone who is feeling what I'm feeling ever strike, or purposely hurt in any way, their son?" The question still remains unanswered for me. I can't comprehend the mindset that would do it. To me it is simply unthinkable and people who do beat their children are simply bad people. Of course then it follows that my dad is a bad person.

Now, when I see my dad, I simply have nothing to say. I don't wish to speak to him. I have no desire to "reach out" or heal any wounds or any such mushy nonsense. I'm 33 years old and have my own family to take care of now; it's too late for him. It comforts me to know that my son will never have to know these things. I have a new understanding and it is based on a new truth that I'd prefer to avoid, but am not able to because my father chose for both of us when I was a kid through years of violent beatings: my dad is an asshole. Period.

If there was forgiveness, it is gone. Sometimes I think he knows what he did wrong and feels regret or remorse or guilt; I really wouldn't know with any certainty. But if he does... good. He deserves it.

What could a little kid have done that was so wrong that he deserved a 200+ lb. man beating the **** out of him, regularly? That's easy to answer. Nothing. And my dad is an asshole. A big, fat, hurtful, selfish prick to be avoided.


So... how's your relationship with your dad?
 
The relationship with my dad is inexistent, he likes to think we have an awesome relationship though.
 
I'm mixed on my dad. My main issue is with my mother. She's been sick for years, and her pains and mental issues make it very hard to talk to her. Where my father becomes a negative issue is with his tendency to be biased toward my mother/his wife. I understand it, but how long can you pass the blame on to the kids? He's also more interested in reading his books and watching sports I barely understand. He wants to talk about double plays, and I want to discuss Iraq. We're similar, yet very different. He's a smart man, though. 150 IQ and 1300 wpm.

Obviously, I won't become too detailed. But, as an example of the problem with my mother, if I were to say "Mom, the bread is moldy," she'll throw a small fit about how she never does anything right. I then tell her it's not her fall, but sometimes I'm less patient and accuse her of melodrama, I do that a lot currently. My father will come in, "protecting her from her sons." His way of thinking does not believe in resolution. He wants only to end escalation. I'm supposed to accept the reasons for, and be patient with, my mother's problems. I'm probably being insensitive, but how long can I be expected to tolerate being snapped at because it's caused by medication?

I find myself relating to my father less and less.

It's a shame.
 
My relationship with my father is excellent. We go hiking, mtn. biking, or road biking at least every weekend. My mom is the one that gets on my nerves sometimes. She gets mad easily and also has the fits about us not appreciating her and anything she does is not good enough. I think she feels isolated though in a home of all guys (my dad and I and my brother). She works at home also and doesn't have many friends. I don't think that helps much either.
 
My dad likes to take his problems out on everyone around him. He isn't physically abusive but he likes to throw things and yell and stupid **** like that.

Even over stupid stuff. He's a diehard Yankee fan, I'm a Red Sox fan and he gets very pissed off when the Yankees lose to the Red Sox. I almost want the Yankees to win.

He makes a mess of his car with coffee cups and cigarettes and I get stuck cleaning it up for some reason. I didn't know the reason for having children was for cheap labor. If I make a mess, I clean it up. He should do the same.

It wouldn't piss me off so much but I never ask for anything, I've lent him thousands of dollars over the last couple years and he barely acknowledges it. I understand times are tough, but I'm a 17 year old kid.

It's stupid and I'm moving out after high school.
 
Talentless,
FWIW, my grand mother was a bit "off" in her later years. She thought my wife was he daughter (my father's little sister). Being is my wife is blonde/blue eyed, and my dads family is down home southern black folks, it was rather obvious that Gma was confused.
A few months later, at a doctor's visit, Gma's medications were changed and she was much more lucid for the remainder of her life.

As for my father. We had our disagreements, mostly r/t religion and religious music, as I got older. But in general he was my best friend. We could spend hours on the phone catching up and talking about nothing.
All my life my dad and I talked, rode bikes, went to the library. That last is very important to me. My dad barely graduated from high-school. He read at about a 7th grade level.
In me he fostered a love of reading. He made it his mission to teach me to read before I went to kindegarten. By the time I was in fourth grade, I read at a 12th grade level. I owe that to him.
Even though we disagreed about the nature of religious music, (accapella vs. accompanyment) he brought me up to love music.
I also believe he "sent me a message from beyond the grave" regarding my music, and my views.

I was lucky. I know that there are plenty of people out there who have/had dad's who were horrid, or who abdicated responsibility as soon as their peter dried. I wish it were different for you.

Milefile, you have a lot of history to overcome. Thankfully, you have always seem as one who is a firm believer in "he who doesn't remember history is doomed to repeat it."

Love your son, be kind, but firm. You will become friends as he grows. Get to know his friends, his mind, his likes and dislikes.
You will be either a scar or strength to his soul. It is hard work. And, It is all worth it BTW.:D
 
My childhood was a peice of cake compared to so many others.

My dad and I didn't talk much until I got my bachelor's degree. I don't think he knows how to relate very well without discussing technical details, so he just didn't talk until he knew I could follow what he was saying.

There still isn't a whole lot of substance spoken between us, just technical chat. I think that's just who he is.
 
I hate my father's denials. Try to ask him something when he's either reading a book or wathing sports, which is mostly what he does when he's not driving my mom around, and he'll sometimes dramatically stop what he's doing, roll his head back and get upset when I suggest that I am bothering him and would rather forget it (ironic). He doesn't seem to understand how it feels to think you're a pest to your own father. I'm think that I'm someday going to snap and he'll look at me and wonder why. Maybe it's because you wanted to drop every issue you didn't think could be resolved in 10 seconds.
 
One thing that I feel I missed out on was the ability to be more expressive. Neither parent is artistic. My brothers will hum and sing, I'll do it very low, singing in a fake language, like an Irish folk song, but I'm unable to bring myself to socially interact. I won't dance, submit art. I wrote a few poems, but I stopped doing that. I don't read much fiction, let alone attempt to write it. I'm afraid to even sing at a level I could be heard at. I have no idea if I can sing. I don't know how much my parents influenced this. But I've become a coward, so fearful of negative consequences.
 
I get along fairly well with my parents. My Dad and I have some fun discussions, usually about Philosophy, some new scientific development, or the morals of modern society. We get into some pretty high level stuff. As my mom doesn't like to argue, the only thing that I usually talk to her about is the history of man, since she has a degree in Anthropology. I mean, we still have discussions about how each other's day was, but I don't remember those for more than five minutes afterward. My relationship with my parents rocks.
 
Originally posted by Timmotheus
I get along fairly well with my parents. My Dad and I have some fun discussions, usually about Philosophy, some new scientific development, or the morals of modern society. We get into some pretty high level stuff. As my mom doesn't like to argue, the only thing that I usually talk to her about is the history of man, since she has a degree in Anthropology. I mean, we still have discussions about how each other's day was, but I don't remember those for more than five minutes afterward. My relationship with my parents rocks.
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Pretty much the same thing here, except I do that with my mom. My dad doesn't care for stuff like that.
 
Hmm...

My Dad and I have been mixed... Him and I didnt really open up till I was about 15 or 16. I mean hed yell, but he would have a good reason most of the time. He would say i was lazy, which was true, but he wouldnt go off the handle about it.

But now, afer I have just graduated hes wondered where all the years went... the only person hes got left is my brother, who is 16. He'll be graduating pretty soon but were will he go from here?... i dont know...
 
Originally posted by Talentless
I hate my father's denials. Try to ask him something when he's either reading a book or wathing sports, which is mostly what he does when he's not driving my mom around, and he'll sometimes dramatically stop what he's doing, roll his head back and get upset when I suggest that I am bothering him and would rather forget it (ironic). He doesn't seem to understand how it feels to think you're a pest to your own father. I'm think that I'm someday going to snap and he'll look at me and wonder why. Maybe it's because you wanted to drop every issue you didn't think could be resolved in 10 seconds.
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I distinctly remember trying to talk to or play with my dad as a kid, usually after dinner, and he'd be reading the paper on the couch. He'd snap the paper down and look at me like I was bothering him, and tell me to leave him alone. That kind of sucked. Why have kids if you don't want them around? I understand that adults need to do things like read the paper and have "adult conversation", but with my dad it was chronic dismissal. He only came into play when he decided I needed a punishment. I think I remember him making an effort a few times, but my mom made him do it and I sensed his heart wasn't in it.

I'm glad to hear so many of you have good relationships with your dads, though. In reading your descriptions I see examples of my own goals with my son when he's older.
 
I feel badly, though, that we can't interact. I'm not a fan of baseball and football. Until I stopped watching speedvision (now speed channel the only thing I liked watching was F1, rally, and a few other things.

He tries to explain something, but I rarely understand. I don't even know who has the ball in football.

I think I'm more of an intellectual.
 
Well, I used to be fine with my dad, but lately he's become really annoying... mainly because he's turned from moderate/centrist to flat out liberal. I mean, I don't mind so much his political views, but all he ever does these days is talk and talk and spew his liberal blather all over the place.

He's also getting really senile, and it's hard for me to adjust to that...
 
It's not easy being a parent these days and milefile, i'd be very suprised if in the next 18 or so years you didnt hit your son at all. some children like to push buttons, like my daughter and hormones can make them impossible to live with at time. My daughter (not really my daughter tho i call her that) is now 12 and full of teenage attitude. twice recently she has raised her hand to hermother (and come off 2nd best). but dont get the wrong idea about her... 99% we live in a loving, caring household. She is easy to get along with and fun to be around, its just that 1%... I've only know rebecca (the daughter) for a little over 2 year but we have formed quite a bond and she regularly call me dad (tho i prefer to call her a friend).
Children need to be carefull who they hang out with as it easily changes thier attitude at home.

as for my relationship with my own father, while i lived with him i didnt get hit often, but when needed... my relationship was good and i always did great thing with my father. but then i was basically a good kid.
 
I always had a good relationship with my father. It's with my mother i've always had problems, strangely, but this isn't what the topic is about, so i'm not going to talk about that.

My father is responsible for my love for everything that's motorized. I used to hang out with him when i was a kid, we'd work on his Porsche all afternoon on weekends, then we'd drop the top down, and go cruising the boulevards.

We had mutual respect towards each other, we shared pretty much the same interests, that's why we had a good relationship. We still do, i guess, although we don't see each other as often as we used to do.
 
My dad has greatly influenced me.

Me and him are as close as you can get in a father son relationship.
God, has blessed me with an loving and knowledgable family.
That's all I can say.
 
Originally posted by Super-Supra
My dad has greatly influenced me.

Me and him are as close as you can get in a father son relationship.
God, has blessed me with an loving and knowledgable family.
That's all I can say.
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Yeah, they, especially, taught, you, how, to, use, commas.

I'm only joking, so don't complain to anyone.
 
Originally posted by Talentless
One thing that I feel I missed out on was the ability to be more expressive. Neither parent is artistic. My brothers will hum and sing, I'll do it very low, singing in a fake language, like an Irish folk song, but I'm unable to bring myself to socially interact. I won't dance, submit art. I wrote a few poems, but I stopped doing that. I don't read much fiction, let alone attempt to write it. I'm afraid to even sing at a level I could be heard at. I have no idea if I can sing. I don't know how much my parents influenced this. But I've become a coward, so fearful of negative consequences.
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Go out and get yourself a guitar, or a harmonica. Then find and easy instructional book (with tape or cd, so you'll hear how you're supposed to sound) and learn to play. It doesn't have to be for anyone else.
I "bang" rhythm at church on Sundays. But I play my "best", and most complicated stuff when I'm alone. My guitar is my "therapist" when I'm not quite ready to talk to my wife about what's bothering me. It takes me to a different place in my head where I can express what's making me tick a certain way. Give the poetry another shot as well. Guitars and poetry have a way of growing into interesting music.👍
As far as negative consequence...there may be some. Who cares?! Don't go out and "get a life". Live the one you've got to the fullest! There will always be "haters." They are there to teach you humility, (not humiliation--there's a HUGE difference) and strength. (Especially of character)
Remember, most haters are people you don't know. Who gives a rat's ass what they think?
You have talent and character in spades!!! You can outrun me just about everywhere in GT3. You usually run with Lotus. A feat I've yet to accomplish. You often make me laugh with your humor.
I'd say that you turned out pretty good! You tend to impress me. And believe me, that is not the easiest of feats to accomplish.
 
I'm happy to say that my dad is absolutely brilliant, he is without doubt the kindest, most generous man i have ever known. He would give you the shirt off his back and lives his life to the general rule of "do the right thing". If i grow to be half the man he is i will be content.
 
Hmm. My relationship with my father.

I used to think that he was the greatest man on earth. Then I discovered he lied to me over a number of minor issues, and it upset me that he felt that he had to lie, rather than simply tell me the truth. It was as if he felt I couldn't handle the truth, and that I'd look upon him unfavourably when I knew what the real reason for something was. He could never know that I already knew the truth, and was looking upon him unfavourably because he was hiding it from me.

When I was 12, he (and Mum) sent me to boarding school. During the school holidays he would always work late, and be grumpy when he came home. Mum would run the house around him, so often we would have to wait past 9pm for dinner, so that we could have it as a family, but it would always result in arguments because everyone was tired and upset.

My father cannot argue. Every time you said something with which he did not agree, he would see it as "answering back", or a challenge to his authority. It led to a lot of trouble for my sister and I because there would often be a valid reason for something, but we would not be able to say.

When I graduated, I worked as a taxi driver for a while. Dad was clearly unimpressed as he thought that he had paid all this money for my education and I'd squandered it on a crap job. I snapped at him one day and told him about the life I was leading at the time. How I was working 65 hours per week and barely surviving, but never asking them for money. How I would to a 20 hour shift and then apply for jobs on the internet, when I got in at 4 a.m. It caused a paradigm shift in his attitude to me.

Now he respects me for what I do, although he doesn't understand it at all. We still can't have constructive discussions where we have differing points of view, except regarding motorsport, where he respects my opinion and will enter into dialogue with me. I help him with his computer, and his gratitude for that, and reverence of my ability is so complete that it's rather discomfiting.

Recently I found out that he has had/is having a number of affairs. I feel sorry for Mum, but then she lives her life, and he lives his. It doesn't concern me directly, so I shouldn't worry. I did get extremely upset when my wife assumed that because he was doing it, I was doing it too.

I desperately don't want to be like my father to my children when they come, and that's part of the reason why I'm holding off on the parenting thing. In hindsight, I see that my father's failings as a father are because he has absolutely no idea how to relate to children.

I'm determined that I will not follow in his footsteps.
 
Originally posted by Gil
Go out and get yourself a guitar, or a harmonica. Then find and easy instructional book (with tape or cd, so you'll hear how you're supposed to sound) and learn to play. It doesn't have to be for anyone else.
I "bang" rhythm at church on Sundays. But I play my "best", and most complicated stuff when I'm alone. My guitar is my "therapist" when I'm not quite ready to talk to my wife about what's bothering me. It takes me to a different place in my head where I can express what's making me tick a certain way. Give the poetry another shot as well. Guitars and poetry have a way of growing into interesting music.👍
As far as negative consequence...there may be some. Who cares?! Don't go out and "get a life". Live the one you've got to the fullest! There will always be "haters." They are there to teach you humility, (not humiliation--there's a HUGE difference) and strength. (Especially of character)
Remember, most haters are people you don't know. Who gives a rat's ass what they think?
You have talent and character in spades!!! You can outrun me just about everywhere in GT3. You usually run with Lotus. A feat I've yet to accomplish. You often make me laugh with your humor.
I'd say that you turned out pretty good! You tend to impress me. And believe me, that is not the easiest of feats to accomplish.
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Thanks.

Not much room or privacy for singing. No job either. Actually, I'm not really interested in being a singer, so much as I wish I weren't so self conscious.
 
I've always hated cheating, I've made that clear to my parents.

I believe they are faithful.

I know what you mean by discomfiting.

I bring up an issue to some people outside, nothing super complex, and for a few minutes there are hollers about my intellect. Ok?
 
Having read through the thread, I'm not sure I should even write a reply, but I will, anyway...

My relationship with my father has always been, and still is, an extremely healthy one.. I don't see my parents that often these days. Something like 1 time a month or so, but I always look forward too it. I absolutely LOVE hanging out with my dad who's probably the most important character in my life. My father (who'm by the way is a preacher and knows as much as Google methinks) has ALWAYS had the time for his 4 kids. No problem was never too big or too small for him to care or listen. Still isn't today. (I actually had to call him for advice not too long ago when my mom in law told ME, of all persons, that she's gonna leave my dad in law. Why would I wanna know that ?).. My dad also always had the time to play with us kids. Whether it was Lego, playing soccer, doing puzzles, playing Monopoly (or whatever) builing treehouses or snowcabins... (Come to think of it. Where'd he get all that time ? :odd: )

The only 2 times me and my dad has crossed lines was :

1. I was caught stealing... My own dumbass idiocy. I was young I and I could do everything. Except handle the disappointed looks I got from my parents. No screaming, no beating, no punishment. Just disappontment.. I have NEVER felt so bad in my life (this is 15+ years ago mind you)

2. When I decided to drop out of university in favor of an apprenticeship. Everything was in place. I dropped school, I had a job for the 6 montsh until my apprenticeship started. There were a lot of cold air in the house over a months period or so. Only to find out later that he just wanted to make sure that the decision I've made WAS in fact the right one. (13 years ago)

I remember him slapping me 3 maybe 4 times during my childhood, but the thing is I also remember WHY he did, and it was NEVER uncalled for.

Another thing - My dad never missed my soccer games from when I started at age 6 (I could've been only 5 methinks) up until I was 13-14 years old. You know the time that comes where you don't WANT to be seen with your parents :D


Sorry - I can't help feeling a bit bad for those of you who's never had a dad.......
 
Milefile, you and I have had a rocky relationship in the GTP world. Always at eachother's throat, but for some reason I have no intentions of ever putting you down again.

I know exactly where you come from. My father, who spent more time away from home then normal parents was an arse when he was home. Sure, he put food on the table and worked hard for it, that I can respect. But, the constant annoyance of him being upset over little crap stuff, like me not pulling a certain weed out of the yard, or not mowing it correctly, or piling mulch up incorrectly or other such meaningless crap was rediculous. I apologize for my prior angers toward you, and hope to anyone coming up in the world, especially your son, a fruitful life without a parent who is completely arse-like. Congrats on the kid, btw.
 
I'll try to keep it short, because not everyone can enjoy a long winded story about the family history of someone you don't know.

I used to think that in the biological lottery of life, I got stuck with a loser in the family dept. Dad grew up in a place, time and age where fathers and sons weren't supposed to be friends: they were supposed to be father and son. Consequently, to me, he seemed patriarchal, rather than paternal. His words and actions always seemed to critisize and humiliate, rather than encourage and foster. He had lofty standards for his son, but didn't ever raise a hand to help me achieve them. (Dad was a big believer in self-sufficiency). I spent my early years looking up to dad, but never feeling I gained his approval or love, because I was always falling short of what he expected of me.

This set the tone for our relationship through my teenage rebellion years, where I did about everything in my power to drive him and mom crazy. Looking back on it, I'm amazed my dad never laid a hand on me, because on more than one occasion, I richly deserved it.

Today, I believe I have a better relationship with my father than I've ever had. Part of this is because a) I quit being such a damn punk and part of it is because b) he ceased to take for granted my relationship with him and c) I had a kid of my own. We're not suddenly best buds or anything like that, but at least we can appreciate what we do have in common, which is -remarkably- a lot. Finally being able to have some drinks with your father and talking till the middle of night is a oddly rewarding thing.

I see that hokey, touchy-feely life insurance commercial (you know the one) and somehow it fits me perfectly.

The most interesting part of my story has to do with my father's relationship with his father, which was by his account, a pretty piss poor one. Compared to Dad, I had it easy. Grandpaps was a raging alchoholic, compulsive gambler, had numerous mistresses, and according to my father, was actually home exactly one night in an entire year when dad was about 12. He and my dad had the kind of relationship you'd see in a Jerry Springer episode. Sheesh, no wonder dad was tough on me. It was all he knew.

But I credit my father with being twice, three times the father that his was. Only recently in my life has he finally told me about it, and I finally, after all these years, really understand where my old man is coming from.

Milefile; FWIW, I feel for you. I can't imagine a more terrible thing for a child to experience. It couldn not have been easy to bare your soul about it like that. Mom worked me over a few times when I was being a bratty kid (that's how they dealt with brats in the Old Country) and I can empathize.


///M-Spec
 

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