-McClarenDesign's-
Very Serious SLS AMG Review of the Car of the Week N Stuff
"Better to be splattered on a billboard, than to roast like a chicken" -Tazio Nuvolari
Week 2: 1966 Alfa Romeo Spider 1600 Duetto
Last week we allegedly made the mistake of comparing the 2001 Alfa Romeo Spider to an Italian supermodel with a robust derrière. Some complained that you simply can't have a supermodel with a huge arse, while others demanded to know what experience I've had with supermodels. In fact, our producer received so much criticism of my review that he promptly hung himself.
After his wife saw his helmet in the photo, so did our racing driver.
So now we've hired a new producer,a new racing driver, and we are prepared for the next challenge.. which happens to be
(drum roll please)...
...another Italian supermodel.
Uh-oh. Here we go again.
After spending much of the afternoon padding the producers office with thick squishy padding, placing our new driver in his health-and-safety approved, suicide-resistant pen, and talking with Julie-the-angry-Alfa-man, it was time to grab the car from our garage and hit the track.
That is, if we could find it. You see, our garage has grown quite expansive lately, so locating the proper car takes some work. Shouldn't be too difficult. We sent our underpaid and often overworked intern out into the garage with the explicit instructions to return with the sexy older lady in the red dress. Easy, right?
According to Polyphony Digital (via Translator-san):
Translator-san
The Spider 1600 Duetto was a successor to the Giulietta Spider, and debuted at the Geneva Motor Show in 1966. While the subname of the vehicle, Duet, was chosen through a public vote, it is actually a perfectly suitable moniker for a two-seater Spider. The new Spider Giulietta quickly became famous after being driven by the actor Dustin Hoffman in the major Hollywood movie, "The Graduate."
The greatest attraction of this car is its unforgettable, flowing body. In contrast to the classic feel of the Giulietta Spider, this Spider 1600 Duet has a modern style. Designed by Pininfarina, the long rear tail in particular, is distinctively and beautifully rounded.
However, this tail end caused aerodynamic problems, and the design was changed in later models. The long sloping styling is a treasure only held by this Duet. Its engine was a DOHC inline-4 that produced 108 hp. the body was reinforced in order to compensate for making it a convertible, which made it heavier. But even with its increased weight it still achieved a top speed of 115 mph.
The Spider 1600 Duet went through numerous minor changes and remained in production even after other Giulia series cars had vanished. In 1968 the engine was enlarged to 1,750 cc and the name changed to Giulia Spider Veloce. The engine was enlarged again in 1971 to 2.0L, and amazingly, its production continued until 1993.
Four hours, six interns, and two National Guard-style search parties later, we returned with our sexy lady, only she wasn't wearing red, she was blue. Baby blue. Celeste blue, as a matter of fact.
Oh god.
How can anyone have a topless Italian supermodel in anything other than red?! It'd be like joyriding around in a Rolls Royce the color of diarrhea! It's like putting Gwen Stefani in the latest Walmart chic! Any man seen driving around in
this car with
this color would be quickly laughed at, followed closely with accusations about the outfit his girlfriend chose for him to wear that day.
Clearly, bad taste is an epidemic that must be stopped. At least for this car, right now,
it ends here. To the paint shop!
Performance As Purchased: February 13, 2011, Celeste (
Blue)
Displacement: 1,570 cc
Max. Power:
102 hp @ 6,000 rpm
Max. Torque:
96 ft-lbs. @ 3,000 rpm
Drivetrain: FR
Length: 4,250 mm Height: 1,290 mm Weight: 960 kg
Tires: Comfort Soft
Performance Points:
330
Mileage: 35,228.1 mi.
Looking over the numbers, it certainly doesn't sound very impressive. 102 hp, 96 lbs. of torque, but at least it's light. And topless. And although she is a bit older than the previous Alfa we tested, I can't think of a single male that wouldn't want to see an Italian supermodel topless. All she needs is the proper color bikini, and fresh coat of Rosso Scuderia
red fits that bill quite nicely. After all, Enzo Ferrari started racing with Alfa Romeo, so surely the color fits the heritage.
Having learned from our previous mistake, we contracted a well-known painter named Manuel to do the job. We also rebuilt the engine, which netted us an additional
12 Performance Points (which our producer says apparently nets us a free pizza, but he's fat, and that's frankly all he dreams about), and
10 hp, for a total of
112 hp. Not impressive still, but every bit helps, especially with a car this light. This time, we weren't disappointed by the work. Our top remained the same black it was before, the paint went on smooth and true, and not once did we feel threatened by Manuel's South American friends, even when they asked us to transport a small package of salt with us on our way to Italy. At least, I think it was salt.
For those keeping score at home, other notable data includes: Max. Power: 112 hp, Max. Torque: 106 ft-lb., Max. Performance Points: 342 PP
Many hours over the Atlantic, and even more time spent with Italian customs and authorities (which by the way, were none too delicate with their "personal searches"). Amazingly, we were able to make it to the track without anyone asking why we were walking funny. Being Italian, I bet they already knew, but were kind enough to see past it without giggling.
Note to self: Never again agree to transport anything internationally, no matter how much of a discount you get for prior services rendered. The risk is simply too great, and the arse far too sensitive to inquiries.
Before we headed to Monza, we needed to establish a baseline of performance. To do this, we once again retreated to our classified, top secret, for-our-eyes-only Test Track located next to the only Dunkin Donuts in the country. To establish some hardcore data, we brought along our "medically sedated" racecar driver in his health-and-safety approved, suicide-resistant pen. Once opened, the driver emerged, hopped in the car and quickly set about laying down a 0-60 in
0:10.833 seconds, and a quarter-mile time of
0:18.162.
Oddly, he managed to pull a gun from the glovebox, and killed himself. Tragic, really.
For those keeping score at home, other notable data includes: 0-1 mi.: 0:45.444, 0-100 mph: 0:31.421, Max. G-Force: 0.49G, Top Speed: 123.3 mph
Arriving in Italy sans driver, we put an ad in the local paper in a desperate attempt to fill the void and meet our deadline. We received a few replies, with the best candidate appearing to be a young Italian by the name of Dario. When we were able to reach him by phone, however, we were shocked by the sound of a Scottish accent. Of all the passionate people obsessed with cars in Italy, we find the one Scot. He claims to be an expert at American open-wheeled racing, but frankly all we care about is; A) can he seduce our sexy Duetto around Monza without killing himself or others, and 2) will he, too, kill himself afterwards?
Showing up in a dust cloud resembling a Ferrari F40, we toss the keys to the Italian Stallion/Flying Scot/Whatever-the-hell-this-guy-is, and he's off in a flash. After the first lap, Dario crosses the line at almost a leisurely pace, but by the end of the third lap, he's hanging the rear-end around almost every corner with massive power slides amidst roars from our minute crowd.
Clearly, he was enjoying himself.
When he was finished, it was our turn. Immediately, in Turn 1, we discover why his first lap was so slow. The suspension is rather squishy, the brakes rather grippy, and the rear end as loose as Jenna Jameson. A few turns later, and with the proper inputs we too were slinging the car into, through, and out of the corners with reckless abandon. True drive-it-like-you-stole-it style, and like any under-sexed kitten, she begged for more.
In 1967 Mike Nichols directed
The Graduate, a film about a very young Dustin Hoffman being seduced by a very sexy older woman before falling in love with her younger daughter. In the movie, Dustin drives a Duetto, and after two laps it becomes blatantly obvious why. This car
is Mrs. Robinson.
You see, when you first approach her, you're quite nervous and a bit unsure about what to do. I mean, sure she's a bit older, but dear god is she sexy, and for some ungodly reason attracted to you as well. However, with age comes experience, and she already knows how shy, awkward, and uneasy you are about your attraction to her. Being a game, she sucks you in.
And sucks, and sucks, and sucks.
Eventually, you're committed. In, out, and over. Rinse and repeat. With enough practice, you'll find yourself poolside sipping cocktails when someone tells you the world is bloody well ending. And because you've already conquered your fear of the unknown, your fear of inadequecy, and have mastered some measurement of control, you simply
will not care.
Bring it on. I can handle it, so long as it's quick, because tonight I've got a date with danger, and I don't want to keep her waiting.
However, like Mrs. Robinson, young drivers like our Dario should be wary of a car like this. Sure, she'll let you play, but it'll be when she wants to. Not you. Sure, she'll teach you things that were beyond your imagination, but eventually you'll want to try those things with other cars. Younger cars. Tighter cars.
And that's the crux of the problem. The Duetto is Mrs. Robinson seducing you into her spell, and turning you into a sex-crazed, hormone-induced madman with delusions of grandeur.
Try it on your average college "hottie" and all you'll end up with is a slap in the face from an over-adored slut with no idea of what she wants in life. And who wants that?
And that, little Timmy, is what I know about supermodels.
Week 1: 2001 Alfa Romeo Spider 3.0i V6 24V
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old age making me soft in the head.
