Frustrated Palm Tree's Humour Antics...

Man Who Loved Baked Beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his
birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her
that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way
home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk
he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he
felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed
somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most
wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a
blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again
made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she
went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the
opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was
not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about
him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came
on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he
tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon
winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if
he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not
peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.
 
Costume...

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.

She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the
party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she
argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to
bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not
going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without
pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party.

In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she
thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see
how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting
around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he
could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe
herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time
to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her
husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she
agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little
bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and
went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering
what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind
of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I
never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I
got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we
went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not
going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume
to......."
 
Computer Diagnosis

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I
guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do
that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose
anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a
sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem
and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a
urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer,
he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer
started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which
was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology
was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to
wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a
try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his
dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off,
he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug
store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited
the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out
the following message: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water
softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is
using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is
pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And
if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get
better.
 
20 Responses to Telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for
bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so
glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I
have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes
are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to
spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then
ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business,
how many people work there, how they got into this line of work
if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue
asking them personal questions or questions about their company
for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name
is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and
with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how
have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief
moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could
know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each
one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to
speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and
Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't
have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood?
Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her
to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you
can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company,
and they can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a
Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and
then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask
him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you
can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that
telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess
you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The
Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please
hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat
at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your
dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and
ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I
should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a
joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your
momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to
speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write
every word down.

NOTICE: The above have all been tested and approved for use on
telemarketers. No animals were harmed in the testing
 
Lawyer and Blonde

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long
flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if
she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take
a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to
catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the
game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a
question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and
visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some
sleep.

The lawyer, now some what agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't
know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I
will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he
will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention
and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless
she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from
the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches
in to her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up
a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer
looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop
computer and searches all his references. He taps into the
Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of
Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his coworkers and
friends. All to no avail.

After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The
blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to
sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the
blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word,
the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes
 
One more

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:lol: There are some good ones there FPT...I've heard most before.
 
Dr. Seuss' lost tongue twister

Dr. Seuss' lost tongue twister

See if you can do this:
Read each line aloud

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat






Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top
Betcha you can't resist passing it on.
 
Women Drivers

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver
cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to
drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm
out his window and flipped the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid!" I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a
female does anything to me in traffic and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles
each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you
just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass
something like a new car every 40 feet per lane.

That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be
982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I
figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass
every day.

Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's
18,000.

In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day
of their period. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as
dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all
females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's
98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females
carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one
female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest
problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having
the worst day of her period, and is armed.

Flip one off?

.....I think not.
 
Pope in NYC

The Pope arrives in NYC for an important UN meeting. His flight
is delayed, so he has only 15 minutes to get from JFK airport to
the UN building. A car had of course has been arranged to pick
him up -- he is, after all, the Pope.

The Pope tells the driver of his predicament, but the driver
says that he will not violate the speed limit. So the Pope says
"OK, OK, get in the back, I'll drive." The Pope floors it,
weaving through traffic like a madman. Inevitably, even for the
Pope, he sees flashing lights behind him, and has to pull over.
The officer takes one look in the window, turns pale, and slowly
walks back to his squad car.

He calls up his superior officer, and tells him "I just pulled
this guy over for speeding, but I can't give him a ticket."

"Well, why not?"

"He's too important"

"Well, who is it? The mayor? Did you pull over the mayor?"

"No, no, no. Much more important than that."

"Well, was it Donald Trump?"

"No, no, no. Much more important than that."

"Was it the president? Please tell me you did not pull over the
president of the United States."

"No, no, no. Much more important than than."

By this time, the superior officer is completely flabbergasted.
He yelled "Well, then who the hell did you pull over?!"

To which the policeman nervously replied "Well, I don't know,
but he's got the Pope for a driver!"
 
Quiz

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady
luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial
lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but,
unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask
her the big question.

Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her
husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I
knew what the answers are! You know I'm not going to sleep at
all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.

"Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all
be OK."

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys
and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane
asked.

"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon."

After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a
very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's
question and answer!"

"What is it?" she cried excitedly.

"OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male
anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the
penis.'" The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at
ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.

At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was
asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the
penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And
Roger asked her again in the

morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again,
Jane replied correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show.
Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel
butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after
reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane
and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy?
You have 10 seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously.

"Very good. Six seconds."

"Eh, uh, the heart?"

"Very good! Four seconds."

"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last
night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough!" said the game show host,
"CONGRATULATIONS!!"
 
Revenge on Telemarketers

One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most
of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be
interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on
one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to
me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this:
(swallowing)

Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes
thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone.
I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the
receiver, they were still waiting.

Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.
Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks
for calling.

When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can
express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not
interested", but this lady was persistent.

AT&T: Mr. Byron, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute,
24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
(Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents
a minute but she at no time used the word "rate". I could
clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old
calculator and do a little ciphering.)
Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest)
Yes sir that's right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one
big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and
if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day,
7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per
day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just
interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10
cents a minute.
Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10
cents a minute. Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but...
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll
give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a
minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing
scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer
you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on
me.
AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for...
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold.

So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I
begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of
a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:

Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
Me: Yeth?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10
cents a minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.

(I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could
do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to roduce
a snort.)

Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get
back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person
who was helping you.
Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I
needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an
aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in
signing up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can
never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd
really like to have a little brother...
AT&T: (click)
 
Man with no ears

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor
tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently
disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum
of money and went on his way.

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but
growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After
weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But,
after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew
nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to
hire someone who could do that for him.

The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was
great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting.
At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice
anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why
yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Merv got very
angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better
than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you
notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you
have no ears." Merv again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was
with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was
smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman
than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went
ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice
anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man
answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses."

Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young
man. How in the world did you know that?"

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and
replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ****ing
ears!"
 
Twenty Fun Things to do at a Fast Food Drive Thru

1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order,
using colorful expletives in ways which would
embarrass the patrons inside.
2. Drive through backwards.
3. Belch your order.
4. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with
transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers
are unable to hear each other and, thus,
each raises his/her volume.
5. Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.
6. Walk through.
7. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to).
When the manager comes to the mic,
speak English and inquire as to why
the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.
8. Repeat everything the order-taker says.
9. Attempt to take the order-takers order
("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get
a chance to take yours.
10. Order confusing items, i.e.,
"Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and
a small medium fries, please".
11. In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order,
then slip out of line and watch the fun as
the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.
12. When you arrive at the window to pick up your food,
hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll
dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.
13. Drive through with a carload of naked people.
14. Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker
will think there is a problem with the speaker
and ask you to order at the window.
When you arrive at the window,
speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.
15. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.
16. Bring along a Mr. Microphone.
When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at
their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone
speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their
own voice.
17. One word: Flatulence!
18. Have a friend hide in the trunk.
When you approach the window to pickup your order,
have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.
19. If you are a male,
have a female friend place the order by speaking
VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker.
When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept
your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow
employees have been called over to the window to
"check out the babe".
20. Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.
 
19 Fun Things to Do In The Public Bathroom

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your
neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence
with a bodily function noise

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot! My glass eye!"

6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a
cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh
relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it
erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while
yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of
toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor.
Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?

13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

15. Say, "Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small.
Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and oven again on your
butt cheeks

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your
"Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to
the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it
so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing
"Born Free."
 
Top 8 Idiots of 2000

Idiot # 1
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology
at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very
upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I
quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there
would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She
calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to
mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in
order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her
daughter into the Emergency room right away.

Here's your sign lady. Wear it with pride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 2
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield
decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were
successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they
took it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter
coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the
chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon which
activated when the raft was inflated.

They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign guys. Don't get it wet, the paint might run.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 3
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a
downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this
iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in
line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry
that someone had seen him write the note and might call the
police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank
of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the
Wells Fargo teller. He read it and, surmising from his spelling
errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told
him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was
written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would
either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to
Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK"
and left.

He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line
back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably could read it
anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 4

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap
that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He
later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his
car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a
photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from
the police that contained another picture, this time of
handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.

Another sign (though this guy might be onto something worth
thinking about)!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 5
Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and
demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier
put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he
wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to
put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, "Because I
don't believe you are over 21."

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it
to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber
took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the
clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in
fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then
ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called
the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he
got off the license.

They arrested the robber two hours later.

(Remind me to have more signs printed up. Give this guy his!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 6
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously
waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"

When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

(This guy doesn't need a sign, he probably figured it out
himself.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 7
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He
decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor
store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder
block and heaved it over his head at the window.

The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the
head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window
was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

(Oh, that smarts. Give him his sign!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 8
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man
walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 am
flashed a gun and demanded cash.

The clerk turned him down because he said the couldn't open the
cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The
man, frustrated, walked away
 
Originally posted by Frustrated Palm
More to come...

Zeno, did you make that avatar yourself? It looks cool man 👍...
Click to expand...

Yea bro, thanks for the compliment! 👍

(another person to add to the list :D )
 

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