Frustrated Palm Tree's Humour Antics...

Zeno love ya aviator he
i read all of those jokes they are really funny it took me about an hour though :)
keep up the good work they are some funny ****
 
I removed the link as I dont want to annyo people with it

Warning: Click at your own risk. Funny as h*ll though :lol:. Its not a virus or anything but I had a great laugh. Send it to your enemies :p...
 
Is that the site that makes all of this **** come up bouncing around the screen???
 
I bet this one was hard to explain lol...
 

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~ Chet...The Christmas Parrot ~


One day a husband decided to go to a pet store and get his wife a bird for Christmas. He knew she loved animals, birds in particular, and decided this would be the perfect gift for her.

He goes to the pet store and asks the manager if he has anything special in the way of birds. The manager tells him that in fact he does, it's a bird named Chet who sings.

The guy is very interested and asks to see Chet. The manager brings him over to a beautiful bird and tells the husband that this is Chet. The husband asks what is so special about him and the manager tells him that Chet can sing, and that he'll show him. The manager then takes a cigarette lighter out of his pocket and lights it a few inches underneath Chet's right foot. Chet begins to sing, "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way..."

The husband says that it was great and asks, "Does Chet sing anything else?"

So the manager then lights his lighter under Chet's left foot, and Chet begins to sing, "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know..." The husband is very impressed, sure that his wife will absolutely love this bird, so he buys Chet.

He brings the bird home and presents it to his wife as a Christmas gift.

She is very happy and says the bird is beautiful. The husband tells her that the bird can sing, and he takes his lighter and lights it beneath Chet's right foot, and Chet begins to sing, "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way..."


The wife is thrilled and asks if he can do anything else. The husband then lights the lighter under Chet's left foot and Chet begins to sing, "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know..."

The wife is overwhelmed and asks, "What would happen if you put the lighter under both of his feet at the same time?"

The husband says that he doesn't know, but they could try it.
So the husband puts the lighter under both feet and he begins to sing, "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."
 
Interesting Facts (With Interesting Comments)


If you yelled for 8 years,7 months and 6 days you would have
produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas
is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the
body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(Oh my God...!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it
starves to death.
(Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home .. maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is
attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the
male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human
jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes...can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life ... quality over
quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people do.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(Who knew...? Who cares! )

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.
(What about the pig?)
 
Her Side/His


HER SIDE OF THE STORY

He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might
have been my fault because I was a bit late but he didn't say
anything much about it.

The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go
off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We
went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I
tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or
something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really
sure.

So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that
I love him and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what
the hell that meant because you know he doesn't say it back or
anything. We finally got back to his place and I was wondering
if he was going to dump me! So I tried to ask him about it but
he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to
go to sleep. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we
had sex.

But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just
wanted to leave but I just cried myself to sleep. I dunno, I
just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think
he's met someone else???



HIS SIDE OF THE STORY

My team lost. Felt Kinda Tired. Got laid though.
 
Old Relatives

When I was younger I hated going to weddings ...
it seemed that all of my aunts and the
grandmotherly types used to come up to me,
poking me in the ribs and cackling,
telling me, 'You're next.'

They stopped that **** after I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals.
 
Answering Machine Owners Messages


Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the
world famous: International Institute of Answering Machine
Answers.

"My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll
leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as
we're finished."

Narrator's voice:) "There Richard sits, reading a magazine.
Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into
veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of
it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it
in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath
sounded. Thou must leave a message."

"Hi. Now you say something."

"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you
can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."

"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

(From my Japanese friend in Toronto) "He-lo! This is Sa-to. If
you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave sexy message, I
call sooner!"

"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your
message to myself with one of these magnets."

"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just
eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls.
Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message,
just hold it up to the phone."

"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub,
and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their
office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with
me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name,
your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and
I'll think about returning your call."

"Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right
now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call
you back."

"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our
weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we
probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

(Direct approach:) "Who are you and what do you want?"

"You are growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel
very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your will power and
your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you
will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a
message."

"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your
voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for
later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use
the sound of your voice for literally thousands of illegal and
immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial
consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists
will contact you in the near future to further explain the
benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of
payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone.
Thank you."

"Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain
silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by
us."

"Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone
right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya
likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right .
. . real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done
brushing our teeth we'll get back to you."

:lol:
 
Ten Thousand Dollars


One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the
house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman
liked to sunbathe in the backyard, usually in a skimpy bikini
that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a
point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for
yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to
the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and
waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.

"Excuse me," our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing
how beautiful your wife is."

"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.

"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her
breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I
could kiss those breasts." The burly gorilla was about to deck
our poor guy when his wife appeared and stopped him. She pulled
him inside and they discussed the offer for a few moments.
Finally, they returned and asked our friend to step inside.

"OK," the husband said gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you
can kiss my wife's tits."

At this the wife unbuttoned her blouse, and the twin objects of
desire hung free at last. Our man took one in each hand, and
proceeded to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This
went on for several minutes, until the husband got annoyed.
"Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growled.

"I can't," replied our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.

"Why not?" demanded the husband, getting really angry now.

"I don't have ten thousand dollars."
 
Not wishing to hijack the thread or anything, I thought I'd share this with you:

From the WordPerfect Help Desk

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

".......Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

Click...
 

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