This is Hugh Jass, and we interrupt your regularly scheduled GR3 thread to bring you some breaking news. I have learned there is quite the commotion coming out of the Death Wish Coffee Racing Team headquarters, located in Podunk Indiana. We’re going to break to our man on the scene, Mike Litoris for more on this breaking story; Mike.
Thanks Hugh. Im standing outside the massive complex of the DWCRT headquarters, where earlier today, I was privy to a very private meeting between the teams two top drivers,
@Jw_wk1010 and nog3861, Race Team President Richard (Dick) Penisbreth and Death Wish Coffee President and CEO Mike Hunt. The meeting was apparently called to try and bring these two drivers back together, after a very tumultuous and disappointing season 3.
Throughout the entire season 3, both drivers did not see eye to eye on race strategy, race plan, training and instruction, and basically shut down from one another, breaking off all communications. Both drivers even went so far as to miss races, for various reasons, which seriously hurt their chances of competing for the team championship, which looked so good and was off to a fantastic start after race 1. DWC President and CEO Mike Hunt basically laid down the law to the two drivers, explaining that he has invested a boat load of money into the team and their futures. He wanted an immediate reconciling of the two drivers or threated to take his team (and funding) elsewhere.
DWCRT President Richard (Dick) Penisbreth then held one on one meetings with each driver, and I’m happy to say, I was the proverbial “fly on the wall” for both. I will break down for our audience exactly what was said and how the team plans to move forward from here.
First meeting was with driver nog3861, the “old man” as JW likes to refer to him. The meeting didn’t last very long, as it was difficult for nog3861 to stay awake while Richard was questioning him. The heart of the matter for the old man was how he felt let down by his team mate last season. And the “coupe de gras” was when “that young punk whippersnapper” (nogs words, not mine) broke away from the team immediately following the conclusion of last season. He told us during the meeting it felt like he was blindsided by the whole ordeal and really wanted to put that punk in his place. Shortly after that “father time” as JW referenced him in his press release, fell asleep in his hover-round and had to be wheeled out of the office.
Next up was the meeting with @JW_wk_1010. He “walked into the party like he was walking onto a yacht. His hat strategically dipped below one eye, his scarf it was apricot. The smug SOB had one eye on the mirror as he watched himslef go by…And all the girls dreamed that they'd be his partner, they’d be his partner and”….(Oh, sorry, got off on a mini tangent, as that song popped into my head). Dick, the race team President then started to question JW about his commitment to the team, and his race partner nog3861. This is where the meeting got very interesting. JW basically jumped up from his chair and began laying down demands and ultimatums to Penisbreth. “What do I want, what do I want…I want a real racing partner not that old fart of a has been nog. He sucks…damn guy keeps running into me every time we are on the track! We’re friggin teammates for crying out loud and he manages to take me out or give me damage every single GD race”.
Ole Penisbreth could sense the tension in the room and how upset the midget, errrrrr…..(nogs words, not mine)I mean JW was getting. He asked JW to sit back down and calmly tell him what he wanted and needed. He also indicated that nog was not going anywhere, as he was a fully entrenched team partner of DWCRT.
JW then proceeded to explain that it was time for a major change at DWCRT and he had just the remedy for this. JW told ole Penisbreth he wanted a female driver on the team. Yes, you read that right, a female driver.
Ole Penisbreth scratched his balls, errrr, I mean head and asked JW to tell him more about this female driver. JW replied:
I want a girl with a mind like a diamond, I want a girl who knows what's best
I want a girl with shoes that cut and eyes that burn like cigarettes
I want a girl with the right allocations who's fast, thorough, and sharp as a tack
She's playing with her jewelry she's putting up her hair
She's touring the facilities and signing the contract
I want a girl with a short skirt and a long jacket.
I want a girl who gets up early I want a girl who stays up late
I want a girl with uninterrupted prosperity who uses a machete, to cut through red tape
With fingernails that shine like justice and a voice that is dark like tinted glass
She is fast, thorough, and sharp as a tack She's touring the facilities and signing the contract
I want a girl with a short skirt and a long, long jacket
I want a girl with a smooth liquidation I want a girl with good dividends
At City Bank we met accidentally started to talk when she borrows my pen
She wants a car with a cup holder armrest She wants a car that will get her there
She's changing her name from Kitty to Katie
She's trading her MG for a pink Chevy Corvette
I want a girl with a short skirt and a long jacket
AND WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, THE DEATH WISH COFFEE RACING TEAM IS PROUD TO INTRODUCE OUR NEWEST DRIVER, OUR #2 DRIVER (yes old man nog has been regulated to third string), THE ONE, THE ONLY @Mrs Neutty
