Jokes!!
- Thread starter DQuaN
- 4,663 comments
- 701,974 views
- 16,484
- Grea'er Laandan
- UKMikeyA
- UKMikeyA
Toward the end of the golf course, Dave hits his ball into the woods and finds it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ends up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appears. She says, "I'm Mother Nature. Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!" Then POOF!... she's gone!
After Dave recovers from the shock, he hollers for his friend: "Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back, "I'm over here in the pussy willows."
Dave shouts back, "Don't swing, Fred! For the love of God, don't swing!"
All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appears. She says, "I'm Mother Nature. Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!" Then POOF!... she's gone!
After Dave recovers from the shock, he hollers for his friend: "Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back, "I'm over here in the pussy willows."
Dave shouts back, "Don't swing, Fred! For the love of God, don't swing!"
- 798
- United States
Husband: See that drunk guy?
Wife: Yeah, I broke up with him three years ago.
Husband: Oh my, he's STILL celebrating!
Man: Have you got a quarter?
Average chick: Yeah, why?
Man: Because Mom told me to call her when I met the woman of my dreams and that chick over there is HOT!!
An officer had someone pulled over on the freeway. The person he'd pulled over was juggling knives and they were on fire. Next he juggled live snakes.
After it was all over, the officer went back to his car and saw some dude in the back seat. "May I help you, sir?" he asked.
"Yeah, you can just take me to jail now because there ain't no way I'll pass that kind of roadside sobriety test."
Words to the wise man: Antiques Roadshow is NOT a suitable date for your wife's 50th birthday.
Q: Why is a divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it!
I've seen a match box and a board walk but I've never solved a pillowcase.
I hate it when people drive distracted. I had to slam the brakes to avoid hitting some lady who was putting on her makeup. I almost spilled my bowl of cereal!
That car is...
...slower than the VA
...messed up like a football bat
When one door closes another opens. Other than that it's a great minisub!
Copperhead: Are we poisonous?
Rattlesnake: Of course, you moron. Why?
Copperhead: Because I just bit my lip.
Politician: Are we toxic?
Senator: I don't know, why?
Politician: Because I just bit my lip.
US FCC rules state that ham radio and GMRS operators are not to talk to one another, so if you're licensed for both, stop talking to yourself!
This post has been altered from its original form. It has been formatted to fit your screen.
Wife: Yeah, I broke up with him three years ago.
Husband: Oh my, he's STILL celebrating!
Man: Have you got a quarter?
Average chick: Yeah, why?
Man: Because Mom told me to call her when I met the woman of my dreams and that chick over there is HOT!!
An officer had someone pulled over on the freeway. The person he'd pulled over was juggling knives and they were on fire. Next he juggled live snakes.
After it was all over, the officer went back to his car and saw some dude in the back seat. "May I help you, sir?" he asked.
"Yeah, you can just take me to jail now because there ain't no way I'll pass that kind of roadside sobriety test."
Words to the wise man: Antiques Roadshow is NOT a suitable date for your wife's 50th birthday.
Q: Why is a divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it!
I've seen a match box and a board walk but I've never solved a pillowcase.
I hate it when people drive distracted. I had to slam the brakes to avoid hitting some lady who was putting on her makeup. I almost spilled my bowl of cereal!
That car is...
...slower than the VA
...messed up like a football bat
When one door closes another opens. Other than that it's a great minisub!
Copperhead: Are we poisonous?
Rattlesnake: Of course, you moron. Why?
Copperhead: Because I just bit my lip.
Politician: Are we toxic?
Senator: I don't know, why?
Politician: Because I just bit my lip.
US FCC rules state that ham radio and GMRS operators are not to talk to one another, so if you're licensed for both, stop talking to yourself!
This post has been altered from its original form. It has been formatted to fit your screen.
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- 2,863
- Pittsburgh, PA
- Leadfoot530
If you really think about it, rap battles are just two people having a "roast beef."
Instead of walking my dogs in the fields this evening, I chose to take them to the park. While wandering around the park, I saw a delightful young lady, next to the playground, selling batteries of all shapes and sizes.
Wow! I said to myself....
She sells C cells by the seesaw!
Which way is the exit please?
Wow! I said to myself....
She sells C cells by the seesaw!
Which way is the exit please?
- 798
- United States
Drip Oil, Drop Grease Everywhere.
Fix It Again, Tony!
Just Empty Every Pocket.
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Running On Luck Every Time.
Fast On Race Day.
Fix It Again, Tony!
Just Empty Every Pocket.
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Running On Luck Every Time.
Fast On Race Day.
- 16,484
- Grea'er Laandan
- UKMikeyA
- UKMikeyA
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war-weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans! You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
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- 16,484
- Grea'er Laandan
- UKMikeyA
- UKMikeyA
Can't remember if I heard this one here or not. If so, sorry...
An eight-year old girl went to the office with her father on "Take Your Kid To Work" day. As they were walking around the office, the young girl started crying and getting very cranky. Her father asked her what was wrong with her.
As the staff gathered around, she sobbed loudly: "Daaaddddyyy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?"
An eight-year old girl went to the office with her father on "Take Your Kid To Work" day. As they were walking around the office, the young girl started crying and getting very cranky. Her father asked her what was wrong with her.
As the staff gathered around, she sobbed loudly: "Daaaddddyyy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?"
- 16,484
- Grea'er Laandan
- UKMikeyA
- UKMikeyA
Three mothers were in a room with their kids where a psychologist was conducting a group therapy session.
He told the first mother, "You are obsessed with eating. That is why you have named your daughter Candy".
To the second mother he said, "You are obsessed with money. This is the reason your children are called Penny and Cash."
Right then, the third mom grabbed her son by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
He told the first mother, "You are obsessed with eating. That is why you have named your daughter Candy".
To the second mother he said, "You are obsessed with money. This is the reason your children are called Penny and Cash."
Right then, the third mom grabbed her son by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
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- 28,410
- Glasgow
- GTP_Mars
I found a wig online for $1 - it's a small price toupée...
My Apologies if this steps "over the line"...
Professor Stephen Hawking, while at university, proclaims " I have a date on Friday night! ". His room mates are delighted and help him get ready for the date. Duly ship shape and Bristol fashion, he departs at 7:00pm. At 8:00pm, he returns. Covered in cuts and bruises, broken glasses and missing a tooth. His room mates are aghast and dismayed! One of them asks...
"Stephen! What on earth happened to you?"
"The ***** stood me up!"
Its a wonder I am still married / employed / alive / un-sectioned!
Professor Stephen Hawking, while at university, proclaims " I have a date on Friday night! ". His room mates are delighted and help him get ready for the date. Duly ship shape and Bristol fashion, he departs at 7:00pm. At 8:00pm, he returns. Covered in cuts and bruises, broken glasses and missing a tooth. His room mates are aghast and dismayed! One of them asks...
"Stephen! What on earth happened to you?"
"The ***** stood me up!"
Its a wonder I am still married / employed / alive / un-sectioned!
