Jokes!!

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PJ-FFL
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That is so new, I've never heard it before! Pretty sure it's a myth anyway, added to the fact that broken leads flying around in zero gravity pose a problem too.

Anyway...

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Time: After the football Ireland v France and the Henry, handball incident


The French President was sitting in his office when his telephone rang.


'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented Irish voice said. 'This is Paddy
down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. After the cheating in the
football, I¹m ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on
you!'


'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is
your army?'


'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there¹s myself, me
Cousin Seán, me next door neighbour Seámus, and the entire darts team from
the pub. That makes eleven!'


Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army
waiting to move on my command.'


'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'


Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is
still on. We have managed to get some infantry equipment!'



'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'



Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and
5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000
since we last spoke.'


'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'


Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still
on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie
McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four
boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'


Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell
you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military
bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And
since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'


'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'


Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr.
Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'


'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of
heart?'


'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and we
decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'
 
Sureboss
That is so new, I've never heard it before! Pretty sure it's a myth anyway, added to the fact that broken leads flying around in zero gravity pose a problem too.
Click to expand...

It is indeed a myth. Graphite + delicate electronics = death.

I bought a DVD the other day. "Tiger Woods: My favourite 18 holes."

Turns out it's about bloody golf.
 
We had a lesson in the pub today (no, seriously :D), upon opening one of the Christmas crackers, someone said, "Why do cows lie down?", I quipped, "To protect themselves from Tiger Woods." :D
 
This was called "The Husband Store" on another forum. Hence why it mentions a store owner further down

GT Pro
So funny yet so true and therefore sad. So it's bittersweet:

'A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . .. you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband on the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!'And thanks for the visiting The Husband Store!
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But wait, theres more!

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
PJ-FFL
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Dang commie bastards and their shared ingenuity :p
 
Famine
I bought a DVD the other day. "Tiger Woods: My favourite 18 holes."

Turns out it's about bloody golf.
Click to expand...

:lol:

To continue that flavour.....

"What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?"

"Santa Claus stops after 3 ho's!" ;)
 
mafia_boy
:lol:

To continue that flavour.....

"What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?"

"Santa Claus stops after 3 ho's!" ;)
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To further lower the tone....

All Tigers competitors are lining up one-by-one asking Tigers wife what club is best to use to beat Tiger with.
 
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I made up an awful joke in my head just now.

Have your heard about the saxophone rapist...




















...He's a registered sax offender :sly:


I didn't bring a coat so I'll just get going
 
This is something I saw on TV.

A police officer pulls over a woman for speeding.
The officer goes through the usual routine of getting the woman's information.
After everything checks out, the officer goes back to the woman.
The Officer gives the woman a ticket and asks her to sign it.
The woman then says "I thought you didn't give pretty girls tickets."
The Officer says "Exceuse me?"
She says again "I thought you didn't give pretty girls tickets."
The officer then says "you're right, we don't. Sign here please."
 
My wife's star sign was cancer and it's quite ironic how she died really...

She was attacked by a giant crab.
 
Two men are riding their camels across the desert. They stop at the only oasis halfway across the desert. The first man's camel drinks plenty of water but the second man's camel won't drink any. The men know the camel must drink water to complete the journey, so the first man tells the second man to suck on the camels rear while he holds the camel's head under the water, thereby creating suction inside the camel and forcing it to take in water. After a short time, the second man says to the first man, "Hey, I think you need to hold his head up a bit higher because all I'm getting back here is mud!".
 
I guess I can't complain that it wasn't funny since this is just the Joke thread and not the Funny Joke thread.
 
Here's a joke I made up on my way home today.

Q. Tire is to Tyre as WWE is to ___________.

A. Nascar


Jerome
 
Sorry guys, guess I should have explained it a bit more :P

Tyre and Tire mean the same thing. WWE is fake wrestling, so Nascar is fake racing, hehehe.

All in fun tho as I know there are Nascar fans out there and I'm pretty sure Earnhart Jr, would annihilate me in a go kart 👍

Jerome
 

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