Jokes!!

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If you had a dog and that dog left cheese all over your house, what kind of dogcheese do you have?


Cheddar.


Brb, gonna jump off a cliff now.
 
Healthcare

A couple visit a sex therapist for a session
The man asks: "We want you to observe us whilst we're at it."
The ST agrees.
Once they've finished the ST charges them Euro 45 and mentions she can't find anything unusual with their relation.
For a while the couple return every week, do it without any problems and pay the 45 euro fee.
Eventually the ST asks: "What do you think your problem is?"

The man answers: "We don't have a problem! She's married so we can't use her place. I'm married so we can't use mine. The Holiday Inn charges 90 euro, the Hilton 112. We can do it here for 45 euro and healthcare refunds 42 euro!"


AMG.
 
If you had a dog and that dog left cheese all over your house, what kind of dogcheese do you have?


Cheddar.


Brb, gonna jump off a cliff now.

What do you call a fly with no wings?

Steve.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Bessie.

*Jumps*
 
What do you get when you play a country song backwards?


You get your house, wife, and dog back! *ba-dum tish*
 
They say that, if you play Microsoft CDs backwards, you hear satanic messages.

That's nothing, because if you play them forwards, they install Windows!!!
 
C/P from an email I received today:

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.


Q.. Where will the government get this money?

A. From taxpayers.


Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?

A. Only a smidgen of it.


Q. What is the purpose of this payment?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.


Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?

A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:


* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka ...

* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala ..

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to ball games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )

Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day!
 
you've probably heard this one before:

When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame de Gaulle:

– "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

– "A penis" — replied Madame de Gaulle, smiling.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.

Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said:

– "Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!'"
 
^ :lol: hadn't heard it before but will certainly pass it off as my own ;)

.....................

Why does Barbie never get pregnant?

Because Ken comes in a different box!


Don’t try explaining that one to your mum!
 
When does a fight start? (repost?)


My wife and I were watching TV as I was flipping through the channels with the remote.
She asked: what’s on TV?
Dust, I said
That’s when the fight started…
--------------------------------
My wife told me what she wanted for her birthday
She wanted something that goes from 0 to 100 within 3 seconds
I bought her a scale
That’s when the fight started…
--------------------------------
My wife looked at herself in the mirror and was not satisfied with what she saw.
I feel horrible, I feel old, fat and ugly.
I really need a compliment right now.
I said: your eyes are working well!
That’s when the fight started…
--------------------------------
My wife and I were at a reunion of her high school.
One of the men was completely drunk and was downing one glass after another.
I asked my wife if she knew him.
Sure, she sighed, we dated for quite a while but after we split up he started drinking and never stopped.
I said who thought he’d still be celebrating.
That’s when the fight started…
--------------------------------
At the groceries I asked my wife if we’d take a 25 euro crate of beer.
She said no and without asking she bought a jar of revitalizing cream for 15 euro.
I said the beer would have helped me finding her attractive much better.
That’s when the fight started…
--------------------------------
A few days ago I asked my wife where we would go to celebrate our anniversary.
Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time, she replied.
So I suggested to go to the kitchen.
That’s when the fight started…
--------------------------------
 
So, what did Ricky Martin feed to his horse?


HAAAAAY!
hay.gif
 
New one just passed my brain:

Which car would Charles Darwin drive?

A Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution.
 
'Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider
this:
My wife and I were traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George. After
almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided
to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get
back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed
us a bill for $350.00.

I exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. I told the clerk
that although it was a nice hotel, the rooms certainly weren't worth $350.00 Then
the clerk told me that $350.00 was their 'standard rate'. I insisted on
speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an
Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us
to use. 'But we didn't use them.' 'Well, they are here, and you could have,'
explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain we could also have taken in one of the shows for which
the hotel is famous. 'We have the best entertainers from New York,
Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' .'Well, we have them, and you
could have,' the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, I reply, 'But we didn't use
it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I give up and agree to pay.

I write a cheque and give it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. 'But sir,' 'this
cheque is only made out for $50.00.''That's correct; I charged you
$300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have.'
 
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