Jokes!!

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Edit: Sure you have the right link, Stig? :odd:
 
*points and laughs at TB's joke*
:lol: I've heard that one before somewhere. Good one. :p:tup:
 
Two hippies sitting at a bar.
"Was driving up town the other day, an I saw a spaceman"
"Really, what did you do?"

"Parked the car, man"

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WW2, three soldiers - Bert, Donald, and Dwight - are parachuted into occupied France, but they get blown off course and end up in a jungle just outside a German camp.

"Oh god!" says Bert, "They must have heard us. What we gonna do?"
"DUNNO! HEE....HEE" replied Dwight. Unfortunately, Dwight is a bit mentally challenged.
Donald pipes up. "I know. We'll climb up trees and hide until they finish searching."
"Great idea Don!" enthuses Bert.
"TREES! CLIMB! YIPEE!!!!" cries Dwight. Both Bert and Donald look at each other and wonder how the hell he got to be a soldier, and tell him to be quiet.
So they pick a tree each.

No sooner had they got to a safe height when a German patrol appears below, six soldiers armed with machine guns.
They stop, look around, and pause under Bert's tree, obviously hearing something.

"Maybe zey haff climbed up to hide from us?" one says to the others.
Thinking quick, Bert calls out "Twit-twoo, twit-twoo"
"Zat is just an owl!" they all agree.
Moving on, they pause under Donald's tree.
"Tweet, tweet, tweet!" says Donald.
"No, just a bird!" they all agree, and carry on.
Then they get to Dwight's tree and stop, examining the branches above in the blackness.

"MOO! MOO!"............
 
:lol: Oldies but Goodies, Golf.
Got one from off of Facebook:

A woman goes for confession, "Bless me father, for I have sinned."
She whispers all the horrible things she does until the priest shouts, "Enough, I will not bless you for such despicable acts. You are going to hell, you satanic 🤬!"

"Achoo."

"Bless you...damn it."
 
During a recent singing contest starring the characters from the world of Disney, Snow White was banned for sitting on Pinnochio's face and singing "Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies....."

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A dog with an obvious injury hobbles into a saloon in a small town in the wild West and sits at bar.
"What can I do for ya, stranger?" asks the barman.

"I'm lookine fer the guy that shot my paw.............."

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A dentist approaches his patient in the chair..
"Say Ahhhh..." asks the dentist.
"Why?" asks the patient.
"My cat's just died...."

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A little boy disturbs his parents having sex.
"MUM!" shouts the boy, "What are you doin to dad?"
Hoping to diffuse an awkward situation, the mother says, "Well your dad has a big belly so I was helping him flatten it."
"You're wastin your time!" says the boy. "Cos when you're out shoppin the lady next door gets down on her hands and knees and blows it back up again!"

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Sign in a pet shop: 3 PARROTS FOR SALE. £200, £100, £15.
A woman enquires about the £15 parrot.
"Why is that one so cheap?" she asks.
"It used to be in a brothel," replies the shopkeeper.
Thinking that's quite funny, the woman buys it.

When she gets it home, the parrot shouts, "**** ME, A NEW BROTHEL!"
The woman laughs.
Her two daughters get home. "****ME, NEW HOOKERS!!" shouts the parrot. The both laugh at it.
The woman's husband gets home. "**** ME KEITH, I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN AGES!!!!"

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A man walking along the street observes a boy in a go-cart with rope tied to his pet dog so he could be pulled.
Thinks nothing of it until, as he got closer, he saw the rope was tied to the poor dog's.........bits.
"Excuse me sonny," says the man, "but wouldn't you get on better if the rope was tied to your dog's neck instead?"
"Nah," said the boy. "I wouldn't have the cool siren!"
 
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One I just stole off of facebook...

Apple have put on hold plans to release a new iPod designed for children to use.










Apparently "iTouch Kids" wasn't an ideal product name.
:lol:
 
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Two nuns enjoying a bicycle ride along a back street in a small town on a nice summer's day.
After a while one of them says "Sister, you know I've never come this way before."
The other one replies "It must be the cobbles!"

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Why do women skydiver's wear special underwear?
To stop them whistling on the way down!

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I had to repeat this one - it's on the 4th Page of this thread...
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a............................. super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Click to expand...

:lol:
 
A man with an octopus walks into a bar.
To answer all the puzzled expressions, he proclaims "This is Oscar, my pet Octopus. He has 2 very unique gifts. He can play musical instruments, and he can talk!" So the man rests the animal down on seat and invites the local band, who were in, to prove him wrong.
So the man with the guitar comes up and hands it to Oscar the octopus.
After a bit of stuggle with the instrument, Oscar manages to bash out a few clean notes, stunning everybody.
Then the man with the accordion, comes up and hands it to th octopus. The animal struggles to get a grasp of it at first, and everybody thinks this was a one-off wonder. But soon he manages to play a couple of bars of music, and everybody is impressed.
Finally, the bagpipe player hands his instrument to Oscar. Again, the creature struggles to get a hold of it, turning it this way and that. After a few minutes, Oscar still hasn't managed to play a single note.
"Ha!" said the bagpipe player, "Gotcha! You can't play it!"
"PLAY IT?" shouts Oscar, "If could figure out how to get it's pants off I'd **** it!"

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A man with a lisp walks into a cafe and sits at a table.
A waitress comes over and asks what he would like to order, and with abit of a surprise he notes that she also has a lisp.
"Erm....", says the man nervously, "I'd like thome ithe-cream pleathe."
Waitress is taken aback, thinking that he is making fun of her speech impediment. "You takin the p***?" She asks.
"No, no not at all!" says the man. "When I was younger, I got thtung in the tounge by a wathp. It affected my thpeech, and I have been afraid of wathpth ever sinth."
"Oh, right, thorry," concedes the waitress. "So, what was it you wanted? Ithe-cream? What flavour?"
The man thinks. "Tell you what, sinth I feel guilty, I will let you dethide."
The waitress agrees with a smile and goes off to fetch his dessert.
While she was away, a wasp flies in the window and starts buzzing round the table the man is sitting at. With a yelp, he dives under it, hoping it will go away soon.
As he was under, the waitress comes back. Puzzled she shouts "Hello?"
From under the table comes a shout, "Is that wathp away?"
"No, " she says. "Ith Vanilla."
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Ex-president Bill Clinton is on holiday with two of his buddies in the UK. In a small English town, they decide to go to a restaurant and order some food. Nothing much, they just want a light snack.
The pretty young waitress comes over to take his order. "Mr. Clinton! What an honour! What can I get you?"
After looking her up and down a bit, he asks, "Can I have a quickie?"
Shocked, she says, "After everything that was in the news about you and that woman, I thought you would have learned some manners by now!" So she storms off.
"What'd I say wrong?" Clinton asks his pal.
"Bill, " says his friend. "Over here they call it quiche."
 
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I once knew a man from Sydney
Who went and sold his kidney
With the money he scored
He bought a Ford
And now is the centre of pity.

This one needs work probably methinks.
 
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Little Patrick asked for a bike for his birthday. His dad said "We'd get you one but the mortgage is £80,000 and your mum has lost her job."
The next day Patrick left with his suitcase packed.
His dad asked, "Where are you going?"
Patrick replied, "Went past your room last night and heard you tell mum you were pullin' out, and I heard her tell you to wait cos she was comin too. I'm not stayin' here on my own with an £80,000 mortgage and no ****** bike!"
 
Q: What's the difference between jam and marmalade?

A: You can't marmalade your **** up your wife's ****









I'm a bad man
 
It is the the end of term for a bunch of primary schoolkids, so some of them decide to bring in gifts for their teacher.
First up, comes little Johnny with a small, attractively wrapped box. He approaches the teacher who is standing in front of her desk.
"Why, thank you Johnny, " says the teacher. "But before I open it, I will try to guess what's inside."
So she gives it a little shake, and turns it this way and that. Finally she says, "Is it a cake?"
"Yes miss. My dad is a baker."
Next comes little Susan with another equally well-wrapped package.
"Thank you susan."
Again, the teacher shakes it a bit and turns it upside down and around. Then she sniffs it and from it comes a lovely scent. "Is it a bottle of perfume?"
"Yes miss. My mum works in a perfume shop."
Finally, little Davey comes up with a slightly bigger package.
"Thank you Davey." So the teacher gives it a shake, turns it around and smells it. Not sure, she gives it an other shake, and noticed some liquid starting to seep through. Knowing that little Davey's dad works in an-off licence, she risks tasting it.
"Davey, I know where your dad works, and I know this is wine." She tastes it again. "But I can't work out what kind of wine this is. Can you tell me, what is it?"

"It's a puppy. My mum works in the pet shop."
 
a blonde was having a conversation with a brunette.
Brunette: my Boyfriend used to have dandruff problem, then i gave him head and shoulders and it fixed the problem.
Blonde: how do you give a shoulder?
 
The top 10 jokes from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe (selected bits of this article). On receiving his prize, Vine said: "I am very happy to win this award and I'm going to celebrate by going to Sooty's barbecue and having a sweepsteak".

1) Tim Vine "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

2) David Gibson "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."

3) Emo Philips "I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them."

4) Jack Whitehall "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."

5) Gary Delaney "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

6) John Bishop "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."

7) Bo Burnham "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."

8) Gary Delaney "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

9) Robert White "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty."

10) Gareth Richards "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"

And some of the worst:

Sara Pascoe "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."

Sean Hughes "You know city-centre beat officers... Well are they police who rap?"

John Luke Roberts "I made a Battenberg where the two colours ran alongside each other. I called it apartheid sponge."

Emo Phillips "I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them."

Bec Hill "Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn't have the energy to climb up the stairs."

Dan Antopolski "How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan."

Antopolski's inclusion in the "worst joke" list comes just a year after he won the Dave trophy.

His winning joke was: "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"
 
Roo
7) Bo Burnham "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."
Click to expand...
Some crackers in there, but this takes the biscuit for me.

I just got an email from a friend I haven't seen in years, and he was telling me that he also heard from our mutual friend, Becky. Apparently she is no longer in scientific research and has 'gone into administration'. I didn't even know she was in debt!
 
There was this heavily pregnant woman who was almost due to give birth, but even right up to her due date she just couldn't do without sex. Her husband and her were very careful, being sure not to do anything that would put the baby at risk.
Until one night about halfway through their proceedings, the wife exclaimed, "Stop! I think something's happening. My waters just broke!"
Quickly, her husband got her organized, into the car and off to the hospital, which luckily wasn't far away.

Sometime later, the woman lay in a hospital bed cradling a beautiful baby boy, and invited her husband - who stayed in the waiting room for the birth - to come in and see his son for the first time.
The man came in to see his son and approached the bed.
Looking up at the doctor, the baby said "Are you my daddy?"
"No, I'm not your daddy." said the doctor.
At a male orderly, the baby asked "Are you my daddy?"
"No, I'm not your daddy." said the orderly.
Finally looking up at his father, the baby asked "Are you my daddy?"
"Yes, I'm your daddy."
"Come closer daddy."
So the father got close enough so he could kiss his son, but the baby held up a chubby finger and started poking his father in the forehead, hard.

"See how you ******* like it!!"
 
I knew Emo Phillips was still performing, but from what I heard, he was just living off his old material. Too bad, the man's a genius!
 
A precious little girl walks into a Petsmart shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit,or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

The little girl, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
 
:sly:
Puzyaka
A precious little girl walks into a Petsmart shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit,or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

The little girl, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
Click to expand...

:sly: Oh yes, love it. My kind of joke. Shall remember that one to tell others. 👍
 

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