Jokes!!

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land sea air
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title, and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
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She obviously had her hair dyed blonde.
 
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have
turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the
children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart
and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would
keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
 
AlexGTV
^Nasty, nice one!

Here is another one:


When God created the dog he said:
"You will obey man and be his best companion. You will eat whatever he leaves and follow his every order, you will live 20 years."
To which the dog replied:
"That sounds like a boring life. I think 20 years is too much". And so God said "So shall be done. You will live hereafter for 10 years."

After he finished creating the donkey he said:
"You will be a worker of man and carry heavy things on your back. You will be stupid but strong. You shall live 40 years".
Then the Donkey replied:
"I can't stand that kind of life for that much, please reduce it.". God agreed and said "So shall be done. You will live for 20 years."

Then the turn of the monkey came and God said:
"You will jump from tree to tree and be a joker and a circus. You shall live 45 years."
To which the monkey responded:
"That seems a lot of time for than unworthy fate.". And God answered "So shall be done. From now on your life will be 25 years."

God then created man and said to him:
"You will be the crown of the animal kingdom. You shall discover civilization, create art and science. Great things will come out from your hands. You will live for 20 years."
The man then astounded said:
"Why God you give me only 20 years for such great abilities? It is too short a time."

God saw his mistake and gifted man with the years he cut from the dog, donkey and monkey. Hence forth man would live his first 20 years as God prescribed; then he would live for 10 years like a dog obeying his woman and eating what she left; for the next 20 years he would become a donkey for his family carrying great burdens and his last 25 years he would be stupid and be the joker for his grandchildren.
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Hahahaha, very good one!
 
A local priest and a pastor are standing next to a road erecting a sign which reads "The end is near! Turn yourself around now before it is too late!"

At that moment a car of youths drives by and one leans out of the window and shouts "Get a life and leave us all alone you religious nuts!!"

A moment later the clergymen hear a screeching of tires followed by a loud crash from just a short way up the road.

The priest turns to the pastor and says "Are you sure we shouldn't just make one that says 'Collapsed Bridge'?"

:)
 
A man buys a lie detector robot which slaps people who lie.

He decides to test it at dinner.

Dad: Son, where were you today during school hours?

SON : At School. Robot slaps son! Ok, I lied, I went to the movies.

DAD: Which one?

SON: Toy Story. Robot slaps son again! Ok, it was a day with pornstar.

DAD: What?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn

was. Robot slaps Dad!

MOM: Ha ha! After all he's your son. Robot slaps mom
 
Margaret Thatcher must have been fuming on her birthday last year when all that was on the tv was miners cheering.
 
I just saw on tv, several thousand Egyptians walking down the street with stones..What's going on? Are they remodeling a pyramid or something?
 
Harley45
I just saw on tv, several thousand Egyptians walking down the street with stones..What's going on? Are they remodeling a pyramid or something?
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The pyramid builders were slaves who came from israel so FAIL.
 
Warning, if you get an email saying you can get swine flu from tinned pork, delete it, its spam.

---------------------------------------------------------

A man goes to a pharmacy and asks for viagra, the chemist says he needs medical proof that he needs it, to which the man replies, "will a photo of my wife do?"
 
Daniel
Yes they were :lol:

Then again, that's my sense of humour for ya :p
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They are not bad jokes but I'll analyze what makes them decent at best.

The first one. It is the typical smart ass joke. Connect two remote subject through a remote link. Bam! You got your formulaic smart joke.

The second one. It's dubious. Not a good thing for jokes. It can mean many things among them "Hey doctor look, my wife is hot! Give me the Viagra!" or "Look how limp I am and how miserable my wife looks!". It's not clear-cut.

Sorry for ruining the thread with anti-funny analysis. I am amidst an exam period. :guilty:
 
AlexGTV
They are not bad jokes but I'll analyze what makes them decent at best.

The first one. It is the typical smart ass joke. Connect two remote subject through a remote link. Bam! You got your formulaic smart joke.

The second one. It's dubious. Not a good thing for jokes. It can mean many things among them "Hey doctor look, my wife is hot! Give me the Viagra!" or "Look how limp I am and how miserable my wife looks!". It's not clear-cut.

Sorry for ruining the thread with anti-funny analysis. I am amidst an exam period. :guilty:
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You are in no position to judge, some of the things you post.. :crazy:

Next time you dont like the joke, press ALT+F4
 
AlexGTV
The second one. It's dubious. Not a good thing for jokes. It can mean many things among them "Hey doctor look, my wife is hot! Give me the Viagra!" or "Look how limp I am and how miserable my wife looks!". It's not clear-cut.
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I didn't get either one of those.. what I got was "my wife is butt-ugly and I need the pill to fulfill my husbandly duties".
 
AlexGTV
They are not bad jokes but I'll analyze what makes them decent at best.

The first one. It is the typical smart ass joke. Connect two remote subject through a remote link. Bam! You got your formulaic smart joke.

The second one. It's dubious. Not a good thing for jokes. It can mean many things among them "Hey doctor look, my wife is hot! Give me the Viagra!" or "Look how limp I am and how miserable my wife looks!". It's not clear-cut.

Sorry for ruining the thread with anti-funny analysis. I am amidst an exam period. :guilty:
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I got prescribed laughing gas after the doctor found my wife was as boring as this analysis.
 
Simple pet psychology
Dog: The people bring me food, water and shelter, they must be my God!
Cat: The people bring me food, water and shelter, they must think I am their God!
 
AlexGTV
They are not bad jokes but I'll analyze what makes them decent at best.

The first one. It is the typical smart ass joke. Connect two remote subject through a remote link. Bam! You got your formulaic smart joke.

The second one. It's dubious. Not a good thing for jokes. It can mean many things among them "Hey doctor look, my wife is hot! Give me the Viagra!" or "Look how limp I am and how miserable my wife looks!". It's not clear-cut.

Sorry for ruining the thread with anti-funny analysis. I am amidst an exam period. :guilty:
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How old are you?
 
Things are so bad with spending Goverment Spending cuts here . My local Council has just announced there closing lanes 7 and 8 in the Swimming Pool to save on Water :dopey:
 
Floats
I can't believe those scousers burning their Torres Liverpool shirts.

What are they going to wear to court tomorrow?
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I have a better one.

What do you call a scouser in a suit?


The accused.
 
A burglar decides to brake in a rich house. He stalks and when the residents leave he goes at night equiped with all his work tools and gets in. He immediately neutralizes the alarm and he starts stealing. Suddenly he hears a voice.
- "Jesus is watching and will punish you."
Surprised he looks around searching where did that voice come from but he doesn't see anything and continues with his job. In a while he hears again the same voice talking to him.
- "Jesus is watching and will punish you."
Determined to find out where was the voice coming from he sees a small parrot.
- "Were you talking and scaring me?"
- "Yes, I."
- "How so, and what is your name?"
- "Homer."
- "Homer? What kind of name is that for a parrot?"
- "Well, what kind of name is Jesus for a doberman?"
 
AlexGTV
A burglar decides to brake in a rich house. He stalks and when the residents leave he goes at night equiped with all his work tools and gets in. He immediately neutralizes the alarm and he starts stealing. Suddenly he hears a voice.
- "Jesus is watching and will punish you."
Surprised he looks around searching where did that voice come from but he doesn't see anything and continues with his job. In a while he hears again the same voice talking to him.
- "Jesus is watching and will punish you."
Determined to find out where was the voice coming from he sees a small parrot.
- "Were you talking and scaring me?"
- "Yes, I."
- "How so, and what is your name?"
- "Homer."
- "Homer? What kind of name is that for a parrot?"
- "Well, what kind of name is Jesus for a doberman?"
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Please mummy... Make the unfunny stop :(
 
I was in English class and we were talking about Richard III and the whole fact that they resorted to inbreeding to keep the royal blood going. My teacher laughed and said "Yup - they used incest - a game that the whole family can play!"
 
This is joke about a gaming store

Customer: One copy of Pain please.
Helper:Excuse me.
Customer: I want Pain please.
Helper: I am not gonna hit you.
Customer: I just want Pain.
Helper: I am not going to hurt you, please.

10 minutes later.
Customer is in Hospital and says to his Girlfriend: I just wanted Pain
Girlfriend: Pain for what?
Customer: For my PS3.
Girlfriend: Oh, what is a PS3.Some kind of decease?Now i'm worried!
Customer is now in Narcose because girlfriend taught PS3 was a decease.

Maybe not a good joke but it is all i knew.
 
They don't sell Pain in a store...

Well, I suppose the PSN is a store. No salesmen, though.
 
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