Jokes!!

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It is because they can see the possible misinterpretations and thus can not be amused. I saw this "The smartest man in Greece" guy and he didn't laugh. Ever.
 
VANDENAL
Oh. Now I get it. I thought you were saying my joke sucked :lol:.
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Well there's that too. :rolleyes:

Seriously, the whole Charlie Sheen thing has only been going on for like a week and a half, there's no way that joke is that worn out already. I heard it two days ago.
 
And I've just read it, and I laughed.

Also, you'll laugh at a joke if the outcome surprises you. If you can see where it's heading it usually kills the fun.
 
I was on my way to work one day and after traveling across the bridge, a local cop got behind me and pulled me over. he came up to the car and said, "sir, you were speeding across the bridge, any reason as to why?" i said, " yes, im extremely late for work, its very important i get there quickly, you see, im a surgeon, primarily i am a rectum stretcher." he looked at me questioningly and asked, "what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well, i start with one finger, then two, and work my way up to a few more, afterthe rectum is nice and loose, we stretch it to over 6feet." he looked at me surprisingly and asked, " what do you do with a 6foot a**hole?!?!"
i smiled and said, "we give them radar guns and put them at the end of a bridge!"
 
How does a fish run a bath?
Fillet with water

Two cats enter a swimming race, one called 'One-Two-Three', the other's called 'Un-Deux-Trois'. Which won?
One-Two-Three won, because the Un-Deux-Trois-Quatre-Cinq
 
I know I'm going to ruin the joke, but can someone give me the pronunciations of those numbers? :scared:

I am very American. :lol:
 
Talon
I know I'm going to ruin the joke, but can someone give me the pronunciations of those numbers? :scared:
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You just need a (very) basic knowledge of French..
This'll make sense now:
Because the Un-Deux-Twa cat sunk
 
David Cameron, Barack Obama and Angela Merkel (Chancelor of Germany, just in case ;) ) are standing by the shore of the atlantic ocean.
"You know," Cameron says, "our submarines can stay submerged for a whole month!"
"A month? Bah, that's nothing!" Obama answers. "Our submarines can stay submerged for two months, easily!"
Merkel continues to stare at the waves, not saying anything as, all of a sudden, a submarines emerges in front of the three.
"Heil Hitler!" The captain greets them. "We need some diesel to refuel!"
 
In a summer party around a pool with lots of good looking guys and awesome girls, was a said wheel chair girl, that was saying to her friend: " Hey that guy is beautifull and soo hot! I wish he Fxxxed me!" The friend asked: "Why dont you go and tell him?! Wheel chair girl: "Do you really think i should do it?! Friend: "Yeah, why not?!" The wheel chair girl went to the guy and simply said: "Fxxx me!!" and the guy said: "Ok!" He threw her into the pool and said: Your Fxxxed!"
 
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MazdaPrice
Two cats enter a swimming race, one called 'One-Two-Three', the other's called 'Un-Deux-Trois'. Which won?
One-Two-Three won, because the Un-Deux-Trois-Quatre-Cinq
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Reminds me of...

Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9!
 
pacman_lingerie.jpg
 
That post has nothing to do with anything.
 
I had this joke delivered to me by a two year old:

What's invisible and smells like bananas?













A monkey fart!
 
This one has most likely been done before but it's just come into my mind.

2 cannibals are eating a clown, the first cannibal says to the other -
"Does this taste funny to you?"
 
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!








The bride tells her husband



The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
 
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A bus full of ugly people gets into a crash and they all die. Feeling pity for them, Jesus grants them all one wish. The first person thinks about it and wishes to be beautiful. Jesus grants him his wish and goes to the next person. The next person hears the first person's wish and wishes to be beautiful also. This keeps goind down the line until there are five people left. At that point, the last person starts chuckling. The next four people wishes to be beautiful too. Then, the last person is laughing hysterically. After he stops laughing, he tells Jesus to make them all ugly again.
 
Juelz2009 - good ones 👍

A congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet, a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?


"The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you
don't know 🤬"


And then she went back to reading her book.
 

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