Jokes!!

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This guy gets a new rifle for his birthday and goes out to the woods to see what he can shoot. He comes across a small brown bear and thinks that it would make a good trophy so he shoots it in the head. He feels a tapping on his shoulder and turns around to see a large black bear standing over him.

The bear says, "That was a mistake. You have two options. I can maul you to death, or I can make love to you." The man looks at the bear, looks away while he thinks about it, then looks the bear square in the eye and drops his trousers.

He takes a few days to recover from the experience and decides that he isn't going to stand for it. He grabs his gun and heads off to the woods to find the bear. He eventually tracks the bear down and shoots it in the head. There's a tapping on his shoulder and when he looks around there's a huge grizzly bear towering over him.

"That was a mistake" the bear says. "You have two options. I can maul you to death or make love to you." The man looks at the bear, looks away to think about it, then looks at the bear again. He then looks away to think about it really hard before turning back and looking the bear in the eye, drops his trousers.

He's not in a good way for weeks, and decides that he really isn't going to stand for it. He grabs his gun and heads out to the woods hunting the grizzly. He finds him and shoots him in the head. There's a tapping on his shoulder and he turns to find the biggest polar bear he has ever seen looming over him.

The bear says, "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"
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I could see that punch line coming but it was still funny
 
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS AND SPERM?
None! Both come in their thousands ... but only one works!
 
Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready... Aim..."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "Earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready... Aim..."

The redhead then screams, "Tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready... Aim..."

"Fire!"
 
2 Irish guys are going to town, one says:
"we'll have a race, if I get there first I'll put a mark on the town hall door; if you get there first you rub it off"
 
A friend and I are driving on this mountain road, and we see mile markers for about ten miles. Then my friend asks me, "How far is it between mile markers?"
 
Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One
would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole
in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what
they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'

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Found on the Refrigerator One Morning :

My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you
read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach.
He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
 
A real story. Recently one of our beer manufacturers made a poll online on what should be their new beer called. People became united as never before for a kind reason - to make the beer to be called "Friday". Over 13000 people voted on "Friday" the second place got only half that :D

Congratulate us for having an official Rebecca's Black beer!

13764.jpg


Translation:
"Since now friday has a flavour!
We thank all beer lovers for the picked title."
 
AMAZING, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

Thought for the day:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN THEY'RE PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS


SOME ADDITIONAL ADVICE:
NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, TAKE A LAXATIVE AND SLEEPING PILLS ON THE SAME NIGHT
 
Jedi2016
You couldn't spend two minutes retyping it so you weren't YELLING THE ENTIRE POST?!?
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Why are some people so obsessed with avoiding using CAPS so much.
yeah i understand it's the equivalent to yelling, but it was pretty obvious he wasn't yelling nor trying to get any attention....

I dont like it how some people are trying so hard in enforcing the absolutely no Caps...

Chill man ;)

BLITZ_69
Considering the entire thing was in caps, I read it normally.
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Same for me...

you bring hope, showing that there are still people out there who are understanding and forgiving, and layback...





By the way, Great ones 👍 Nickfix

Back to the subject:

1)
I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me “what do you do at a red light?” I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio… (Bill Braudis).

2)
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other — so now it’s just a waiting game. (Bill Dwyer)


3)
Mario Andretti has retired from race car driving. That’s a good thing. He’s getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on. (Jon Stewart)




Am sure you guys have read this one before, but dont know if it has been posted here yet:
4)
A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can’t be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. “I promised not to tell!” he says. “Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher’s daughter?” the preist asks. “No, and I said I wouldn’t tell.” “Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer’s daughter?” “No, and I still won’t tell!” ‘Was it Mary Francis, the baker’s daughter?” “No,” says the boy. ‘Well, son,” says the priest, “I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months.” Outside, the boy’s friends ask what happened. “Well,” he says, “I got six months, but three good leads.”
 
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A man walks into the doctors wearing nothing but a pair of pants made out of cling film.




Doctor takes one look at him and says, "I can clearly see you're nuts."
 
If your North American in the kitchen, African in the hallway, and Asian in the living room, what are you in the bathroom? European.
 
CTznOfTime
1)
I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me “what do you do at a red light?” I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio… (Bill Braudis).

2)
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other — so now it’s just a waiting game. (Bill Dwyer)


3)
Mario Andretti has retired from race car driving. That’s a good thing. He’s getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on. (Jon Stewart)
Click to expand...

Those are fantastic:lol:
 
VANDENAL
If your North American in the kitchen, African in the hallway, and Asian in the living room, what are you in the bathroom? European.
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I understand jokes suck when they are explained but can someone explain this to me. Please
 

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