Jokes!!

  • Thread starter Thread starter DQuaN
  • 4,715 comments
  • 762,925 views
cardude2004
I have a joke.

Math one-liner -
If parallel lines meet at infinity - infinity must be a very noisy place with all those lines crashing together!

and

Signs and notices

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.

Sign on fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

Sign in a car dealership office: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Sign over a cannibal's hut: "I never met a man I didn't like."

Sign in a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

Sign at a hotel. "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
Click to expand...

Sign in a hubcap shop: "We'll cover your nuts."
 
1. One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started....

2. My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

3. My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a
nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend....I understand he took to drinking right after
we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

4. When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer...always something
more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently
for a short time and then went into the house….was gone only a minute,
and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you
finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

and that's when the fight started

5. My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...

6. Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
Slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50
mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered
that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed…
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

7. My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started.....

8. After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driving license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt' so I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security application …

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

9. My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........
 
Q: How does a snowbro* introduce themself?


A: Sorry, dude!!!



*You know those fake skier/snowboarder kids who always try way too hard to be cool.
 
I have a haiku. (taken from a certain Comedy Central stand up special. Whoever guesses the correct comedian gets an internet cookie :) )

My aunt used to say,

Slow and steady wins the race.


...


She died in a fire.

Fictional, obviously 👍
 
CAMjhr
I have a haiku. (taken from a certain Comedy Central stand up special. Whoever guesses the correct comedian gets an internet cookie :) )

My aunt used to say,
Slow and steady wins the race.
She died in a fire.
Click to expand...

Bo Burnham?

I'll help myself:
cookie.jpg
 
Daniel
Bo Burnham?

I'll help myself:
Click to expand...

Yes, he is the business! :lol: My favorite part of that whole special had to be the songs, especially "What's Funny?" and the irony song :).

"I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncle's pull-out couch."

Hahahahaha :lol:
 
These are genuine clips from British Council flat (apartment) tenants complaining To the Council about problems with their flats .*Not so much Jokes as quotes but fun all the same.

1.* My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2.* He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't* take it anymore.

3.* It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

4.* I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every* morning at 6 a.m. His cock* wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.*

5.* I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night..

6.* Our neighbour's 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7.* Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and* satisfy my wife.

8.* My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?*

9.* I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the* wall.

10.* Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.**

11.* I request permission to remove my drawers in the* kitchen.*

12.* 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13.* I am still having problems with smoke in my new* drawers.*

14.* The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is* cleared.

15.* Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour* & not fit to drink.

16.* I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and* burnt my knob off.

17.* The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is* unsightly and dangerous.

18.* Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.**

19.* I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

20.* I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof.I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
 
You could show them to your co-workers and explain the reasoning why they are amusing... see if they all get the meaning immediately.

Yeah, I love hidden meanings in words.... Makes me smile they do!
 
A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.

The guy next to him asked: 'Why are you laughing?'

'I was thinking about my own funeral,' the man replied.

'What's so funny about that?'

'I'm a gynecologist.'
 
How did the hipster burn his mouth? He started eating the pizza long before it was cool.

How do you tell an extroverted physicist from an introverted physicist? An extroverted physicist looks at your shoes.

Did you hear about the man who cooled himself to absolute zero? He's 0K.



554G.jpeg
 
Bumpitybumpbump.

Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It was driving down the road and then suddenly turned into a field.
----------------------

I just saw a movie about some guy who had amazing revelations while eating his cereal. It was called Breakfast Epiphanies.
----------------------

I knew someone once who was a monorail enthusiast. He had a one track mind.
---------------------

The police caught a burglar last night after he broke into a bathroom window, stood on a set of scales and gave himself a weigh.
---------------------

Did you hear about the new line of Elvis Presley-themed steakhouses?
They will be for people who love meat tender.
---------------------

Ever since my friend had all the digits amputated from his feet, I find him very annoying.
I think I might be lack-toes intolerant.
---------------------

My niece's doll lost a foot so she took it to a plastic surgeon.
---------------------

How much do dead batteries cost?
Nothing - they're free of charge.
---------------------

I went for a job as a gold prospector, but it didn't pan out.
---------------------

The priest was tending his vegetable garden.
He bowed his head, and said: "Lettuce spray."
---------------------

I know a farmer who has 200 head of cattle. He thought there were only 196 until he rounded them up.
---------------------

Q: What's the difference between zombies?
A: Zombies make honey, and zombies don't.
---------------------

Two podiatrists who opened their offices on the same street. They were arch enemies.
---------------------

Scientists have announced that we have made contact with an alien race who's planet is entirely covered by one gigantic shopping center.
The sceptical scientists didn't believe it at first, but they've now confirmed that it's a mall world after all.
---------------------

The meteorologist was absolutely convinced of his theory on air currents.
He had the air of a man of strong convections.
---------------------

At the rum factory loading dock, all of the workers speak in verse.
It shows that rhymes fly when you're heaving rum.
--------------------

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
He lay awake at night wondering if there was a dog.
--------------------

And one for the Wednesday fans ;)

i was walking through the park the other day, and i saw a sheffield united season ticket nailed to a tree
"i'll have that" i said to myself - after all, you can never have too many nails.
 
Last edited:
Yoko Ono has been confirmed for the next series of I'm a celeb
the producers think she'll cope well in the jungle after living off a dead beatle for the last 30 years
 
A poker player sits down at the table with his fly open. When asked why, he says, "I'm just trying to get lucky."
 
McLaren
Sorry if this seems racist...You really have to live in Texas to get it.

There's a German, a Russian, and a Texan in a bar. All 3 are exert marksmen with their pistols.

Suddently the German pulls out his pistol and shoots a beer bottle.

"What did you do that for!?"
German replies, "No worries. We have plenty in Germany."

A while later, the Russian pulls out his pistol, and shoots a bottle of Vodka.
"Whoa whoa whoa! What did you do that for?"
Russian replies, "Ah, we have many in mother country."

Later on, the Texan pulls out his pistol...stops and thinks...and shoots a nearby Mexican.
"What the h*ll did you do that for?!"
Texan replies..."No worries. We've got plenty in Texas."

--------------------------
Click to expand...
I have a pretty similar joke to that,

There was a ship that was sinking in the middle of the ocean.

There was a Chinese man, a Mexican, and an American. The Chinese guy quickly says," Let's throw away all excess weight!"

The Chinese man throws away all of his rice out and says, " We have plenty of these in our country."

The Mexican throws away all of his salsa and guacamole and says, " We have plenty of these in our country."

The American throws the Mexican overboard and says , " We have plenty of these in our country."
 
hellnback
This made me chuckle first time I read it...

MS and DC are on holiday camping in Africa, when late one night DC is awoken by a loud commotion outside. Upon inspection DC sees MS being chased around the tent by a rather large lion. DC yells at MS "You better run quicker Michael or it'll catch you..." MS replies "it's ok, I'm already three laps up..."
Click to expand...
Let me guess, DC = David Coulthard and MS is...hmm Michael Schumacher?
 
ghskilla
I have a pretty similar joke to that,

There was a ship that was sinking in the middle of the ocean.

There was a Chinese man, a Mexican, and an Canadian. The Chinese guy quickly says," Let's throw away all excess weight!"

The Chinese man throws away all of his rice out and says, " We have plenty of these in our country."

The Mexican throws away all of his salsa and guacamole and says, " We have plenty of these in our country."

The Canadian throws the Chinese man overboard and says , " We have plenty of these in our country."
Click to expand...

There, I've changed it to the Canadian version! :sly:

Seriously though, no offence meant, I have nothing against Asians.
 

Latest Posts

Back