Jokes!!

  • Thread starter Thread starter DQuaN
  • 4,715 comments
  • 762,668 views
You could have stopped after "One does not simply walk into Mordor." :rolleyes:
 
My wife called me a sexist pig, and accused me of being far too obsessed with football.

I said, "What makes you say that, babe?"

She said, "Well for one, there's this card you gave me for my birthday."

I said, "But to be fair, you've not kept up with the housework recently, so you were lucky it was only yellow."
 
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000." ;

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"
 
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000." ;

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"

I saw that one some were. Oh what I would do to see the after math.
 
Starfirebird
Here's another one you can get your friends with.

First ask them if they have been to Wal-mart.

Just say "You've been to Wal-Mart before right?"

Then say "Well have you seen the Clown that hides from gays"?

When they say no,what,huh or something similar just say exactly.

Lol I didn't get it at first than actually thought about it and it's pretty good. I'm going to say this one to people as it seems their responses will be quite funny.
 
BLITZ_69
Genius. Will share that with my classmates tomorrow.

I told that to one of the science teachers at school today and he said he's gonna steal it :p
He gave this to me in return:
"Apparently there's a new staff member at school. She's vegan."
"How do you know she's new?"
"I've never met herbivore."
Her before = herbivore
 
I told that to one of the science teachers at school today and he said he's gonna steal it :p
He gave this to me in return:
"Apparently there's a new staff member at school. She's vegan."
"How do you know she's new?"
"I've never met herbivore."
Her before = herbivore

What ritual do you preform on a dead chemist?

You Barium.


What's a chemist's favorite fruit?

Barium Di-sodium.
 
Did you see that pic in the Funny Pictures Thread about Adamantium?

It'll Nokia socks off!


Lame, I know, I just made it up. (view picture to get joke)
 
It'll do more than just knock them off. They'll rip off your feet with them, eat them for dinner and use the bones as talcum powder.

Nokia - because no other phones can eat your feet.
 
^:lol:

I saw a cross dresser from greater Manchester today. He had Wigan address.
 
I thought as much. It's a bad as -

Why is the sky blue?






Because it would look silly if it was green.

I wish people would actually read their jokes before posting them. Some because they don't work so well in text format and others, well, because they aren't funny.
 
I heard that most of the Bee Gees are dead. So much for stayin' alive.

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
 
A woman three months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the nearest doctor about the fate of her baby.

"You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine," says the doctor. "Luckily, your brother named them for you."

"Oh no! not by brother! He's an idiot! What did he call the girl?"

"Denise," the doctor replies.

Thinking that isn't so bad, she asks, "And what did he call the boy?"

The doctor answers, "Denephew."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

:lol:👍
 
When I was young, old grannies used to tease me in weddings by saying "You're next".

They stopped when I started doing the same in funerals.
 
thought i heard the ghost of robin gibb in my herb garden..turns out it was just the chive talking...
 
Has anyone read that new book? "Treasure in the Toilet" by I.P. Nickels.

Probably have to live in Canada or the USA to understand.
 
Haven't read that, but I'm currently on Arctic Ahead! by I. C. Walters, and Long Grass by Willie Moeit.

OK, I could go on all day but I'll leave it there.
 
Back