Jokes!!

  • Thread starter Thread starter DQuaN
  • 4,715 comments
  • 762,632 views
A successful man wanted to show his dad how well he had done for himself so for Christmas he wanted to buy his dad an expensive gift.
He went to the pet store and the clerk said "we have many exotic species here, like this parrot who can speak in 7 langauges, but he costs $5000."
He thought about it and decided the bird was the perfect gift he could give his elderly father, so he bought it and had the bird shipped to his fathers house to arrive on Christmas eve.
Several days after Christmas the son hadnt heard anything from his father so he called him up and said, "how did you like my present?"
"Oh yes! the bird!" said the father. "why he was just delicious!"
"You ate him?!" said the son. "But he cost $5000 and could speak 7 langauges!"
Puzzled the father scratched his head and said "Well by-golly he shoulda said so."
 
Last edited:
How are Bertie Ahern and Father Ted similar? The money was just resting in their accounts.
 
How do you trap a dutchman?

You slap the toilet seat down whilst he's drinking.

(yes i'm belgian)
 
mister dog
How do you trap a dutchman?

You slap the toilet seat down whilst he's drinking.

(yes i'm belgian)
Click to expand...

Nice one :lol:

The Belgian king is very frustrated about all the jokes the Dutch make about the Belgians, so he decides to call the Dutch queen to ask her if there is something she can do about it.
Sure the queen answers.

A month later the Belgian newspapers report that the Dutch build a bridge in the desert.

Another month later the Belgian king calls the Dutch queen again and says:” Well you gave us a pretty good laugh, but you can demolish the bridge now."
The queen answers:” I’d love to but I can't."
"Why not?" the king asks.
The queen replies: "Because there are three Belgians fishing on it."
 
Peasant is looking for a new aid for his chicken farm;
A woman comes over for the job interview.

"So says the peasant, what is your previous experience in this field?"
Well says the woman "So far i've been a window prostitute"
"But what does that have to do with chicken farming???" says the peasant?

Well says the Ho i raised over 2000 cocks last year.
 
Roo
A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."
Click to expand...

pretty sure I've heard that before, given what I know about pompey its probably a true story.
 
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him. The other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.

Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a 'Star of David' in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the 'Star of David' listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."
 
I'd tell you the joke about the prison wall, but you wouldn't get over it.

I'd also tell you the joke about the butter, but I think you'll spread it.


Lame enough?
 
Read this online:
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on Chrome.

Pretty good birthday present :lol:
 
AlexGTV
Easy pizzy. The answer is no. Because the symbol "$" has gotten to mean any money and not just dollars.
Click to expand...

But not in every country where they don't use the $ sign...

I'll always use £££ as a general way of expressing money.

---

Not my own:

I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their moustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore...
 
I got one for you.

I hope it's not against the AUP.

OK here it goes.

This lady finds a magic lamp in her home and rubs the magic lamp.The genie pops out and says I will grant you only two wishes.The only way they will come true is if you ask the wish in a mirror.

She goes through the entire and house and finds a mirror on a door.

She says mirror,mirror on the door make my boobs a 44.All of a sudden her boobs are now a 44D.

She got to thinking about her second wish and thought, hey I'll be nice and let my husband have a wish.

She finds her husband tells him what is going on and then he proceeds to look at the mirror on the door.

It takes him a minute or two to think about what he wants then it finally comes to him.That's it I'll ask for that!

Mirror,mirror on the door make my wiener drag the floor.Then his legs fall off.
 
So I was in the cinema yesterday when somebody behind me started wailing. Next thing I knew, I had a harpoon in the back of my head.
 

Latest Posts

Back