Jokes!!

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There are three types of people in this world. Those that can count and those that can't.
 
There are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those who know binary, and those who don't.

Probably old, but i've always found it to be amusing.
 
If one in three people are fat, and he is not fat (points to the right) and she is not fat(point to the left) then holy 🤬!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I must be :censored:ing fat!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Diablo'
There are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those who know binary, and those who don't.

Probably old, but i've always found it to be amusing.
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I can't say I have heard it. Very good though :D
 
The first day's the toughest, no doubt about it. They march you in, hand you your uniform and force you to pose for the photographer while loads of fat, tattooed, skinheads shout abuse at you. That's when you know it's for real. A whole life blown away in the blink of an eye. Nothing left but all the time in the world to think about it. That's when it hits home. That's when you realise you've signed for Newcastle.
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Joey Barton speaks for the first time after leaving prison.
 
Not sure if you guys have heard this one but here it goes.... makes much more sense if you happen to be a photographer


The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father
was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,
'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've

been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good.
Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and
have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on
the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the
living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry
and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But
if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith .

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to
be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed
with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of
his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said .

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider
their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith .

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get
the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep
to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith , her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours,
too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could
hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my
shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment,
I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on
your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up
my
tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's
much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted
 
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
 
Sureshot
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
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I like that 👍
 
Sureshot
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
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Old, but still funny.
 
Old one, but still makes me laugh:
There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They met each other at a perfect party. They dated for two perfect years. They had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon. They had two perfect children. One day the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in there perfect car, they saw an elf by the side of the road, being the perfect people they were they picked him up.
Well as the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with the elf, somehow they got into an accident. Two people died and one lived.
Who died and who lived?
The perfect woman, because the perfect man and elves aren't real.
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This one also might be old:
One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit turds. One of the boys said, ''What is that?'' ''They're smart pills,'' said the other boy. ''Eat them and they'll make you smarter.
So he ate them and said, ''These taste like crap.''
''See,'' said the other boy, ''you're getting smarter already.''
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Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One.

Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy".

Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."
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Bill and Hillary Clinton are at the first major-league baseball game of the season.As it is with tradition,Bill gets to throw the first pitch.He stands up, picks Hillary up, and tosses her onto the field. A secret-service man leans over and whispers "No. The first PITCH."
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I prefer Obama personally :)
George W. Bush and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad meet in Tehran for peace talks following recent hostilities. As they're sat down, Bush notices three buttons on the side of his chair.

He pushes the first one and a boot comes flying out of nowhere kicking him in the shins. The Iranian president falls about laughing.

He pushes the second button and a boxing glove comes flying through the air and hits him in the face. Again the Iranian president pisses himself laughing.

He pushes the third button tentatively and another boot comes flying out of nowhere and kicks him in the balls. Eyes watering, he falls to the floor while the Iranian president struggles for air as he's laughing so hard.

Bush staggers to his feet and announces that he's going to Washington - the Iranian president will be welcome to resume talks in three days.

Three days pass and the Iranian president arrives in Washington for the talks.

As he sits down in his seat he notices three buttons on the side. Eyeing them suspiciously, he presses the first one.

Nothing happens........ Bush starts giggling.

He winces as he pushes the second one. Again, nothing.... Bush starts laughing harder.

He grimaces as he pushes the third one. Once more, nothing happens..... Bush falls out of his seat lauging.

The Iranian president gets up in a huff and announces, "I'm going back to Iran."

Gasping for air, Bush replies, "what Iran?"
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Finding a Chinese Jew
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?"

"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"

"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews."

"Are you sure?" Al asked.

"I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Al asked again.

"I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews."
 
My girlfriend came downstairs in this very sluttish dress the other night, and I said "you look like you're about to go to a brothel."

She said, "well, what if I am?"

I replied, "you can give me a lift"
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If any of these are too much dont hesitate to edit / delete my post.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?
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I just received this in an email from a co-worker.
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no
hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as
relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know how true this
is... They actually have a Chile Cook-off about the time Halloween
comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the
Santa Fe Plaza . Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named
Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .

Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.'

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILE # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILE
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILE # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILE
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.

CHILE # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILE
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite Bar maid pounded me on the back, now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced
from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb.
woman is starting to look HOT .. just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating! Is chile an aphrodisiac?

CHILE # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chile using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher . I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILE # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestine are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Sal ly. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt
with a snow cone.

CHILE # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as
he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth My pants are full of lava
to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing.. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILE # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILE
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 No Response
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Poor Frank.

Personally, I think that "no response" is a bit weak for an ending, but by the time I got to that point, I couldn't see because of all the tears anyway.

laughing21.gif
 
TB
I just received this in an email from a co-worker.
Poor Frank.

Personally, I think that "no response" is a bit weak for an ending, but by the time I got to that point, I couldn't see because of all the tears anyway.

laughing21.gif
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I wasn't as impressed, but "Wipe my butt with a sno-cone" got a chuckle out of me.
 
What do you call a hooker with no legs?






























''a night crawler '' get it? crawler
 
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This is more of a true story than a joke.

I was out bowling with some friends last weekend, and we decided to play a prank while we were there to our friend Trent. So we turned the bumpers on for him. The funny part was, he didn't notice for a whole game in a half. So he throws the ball and messes up his throw a little. He's watching it roll towards the gutter and thinks it's a gutter-ball, when suddenly it 'curves' and some of the pins. Still, he hasn't noticed the bumpers on each side of the lane.:lol: His exact word where: "O my god that was the PERFECT curve!!!!"

Then he throws the ball again, and this time he screwed it up completely. It hits the right bumper, then the left, and the right again. He stands there for a second, watching his ball rolling. Then he turns around laughing and said "F:censored: you guys." So we're driving him home and he's saying he wont be able to sleep because he's wide awake(11:00 PM). So we told him to just think about the perfect curve.
 
Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."

Chuck replied, "Okay, well just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Chuck said, "Oh, alright then, just bring me the dead donkey."

The farmer asked, "Whatcha gonna do with him?"

Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Chuck said, "Sure I can! Watch me! I just won't tell anybody he's dead!"

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "So what happened with that dead donkey?"

Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00!"

The farmer said, "Didn't anybody complain?"

Chuck said, "Just the guy who won, so I gave him his two dollars back."

Chuck now works for the government.
 
There are two guys, Tim and Dan, who meet once a week down at the locl pub. Tim's your average guy, but Dan is prone to fads, which he proves when he arrives one day. He walks up to Tim and punches him with a loud "Hai-ya!"

"What was that all about?" Tim demands.

"That was Kung Fu, from China," Dan replies.

The next week, the same thing happens: Tim arrives early, and when Dan arrives, he kicks Tim.

"What is it this time?" Tim asks when he picks himself up.

"That was Tae Kwon Do, from Korea," is the explanation.

And again on the third week, Dan comes in and beats Tim up a little bit.

"That was Krav Maga, from Israel," Dan says before Tim can ask.

By now, Tim is a little fed up with Dan, but still goes to the pub the next week. Before Dan can do anything, Tim asks him to wait a moment. Dan agrees, before SMACK!, Tim hits him.

He then turns to the bartender and says "When my friend wakes up, tell him that was a shovel from Bunnings Hardware."
 
There was this guy who *LOVED* football. It was his dream to go to the superbowl. One year, he scrimped and saved and cut every corner possible, and he was able to buy a ticket.

Unable to afford a plane ticket, he hitchhiked to the game, and got to his seat (way up in the nosebleed section) ready to watch his dream game. His seats really suck. He's way in the middle of nowhere, and even has a pole in front of him that he has to lean sideways to see around, but at least he's there!

He's scanning the crowd, and he sees that one seat, way down in the middle, only 5 rows off the 50-yard line is empty! Jesus, how the heck could someone pay that much for a ticket and not show up!?!?

This is driving the poor guy crazy, so he has to find out what's going on. During halftime, he runs down and makes it to the empty seat. It's a 2-person box, and there is a guy in the other seat.

He says, "Is that your seat?"

The guy says, "Yeah, it's my wife's seat. We come here together every year."

He says, "Well, where is she?"

The guy says, "She passed away..."

So, he says "geez... Sorry to hear that. So, why'd you come alone?

The guy says, "I couldn't get anyone to come with me."

He says, "What? Are you nuts? You couldn't find a friend or brother or cousin, or ANYONE?!?!?!"

And the guy says "Nope. They all wanted to go to the funeral."
 

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