Jokes!!

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Wyvern_64
So New York has built a 'Park in the sky' then?

Hope it works better than their 'Airport in a skyscraper' idea.
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Bit harsh! :ouch:
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There are two sausages in a frying pan. One turns to the other and says "it's hot in here isn't it". The other one says "Oh my god! A talking sausage!!"
 
axletramp
Hope someone does visit this thread, eh guys?
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Daniel
Okay, let the dead puppy jokes commence then :D
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aiebanditos.jpg
 
Some crazy editin' bin goin' on round here. :sly:

Anyway, one for the Catholics:

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you
may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to
atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and
whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months’ vacation and five good leads ....'
 
p-coletray
That rant teminded me of this one:

American VS Japanese Management.

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day they felt ready.

The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action.

The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.

After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team.

So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem....
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This makes my laugh and cry at the same time.
I may not be living in the USA, but the UK is really corrupt, too.
 
Wyvern_64
So New York has built a 'Park in the sky' then?

Hope it works better than their 'Airport in a skyscraper' idea.
Click to expand...

VANDENAL
Am I the only one that finds this hilarious?
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Well I don't think it's that funny considering it's a reference to 9/11, and the fact that I don't get the 'park in the sky bit'.
 
I was at the gym this morning when I noticed a hole in my trainer just big enough to poke my finger into. Unfortunately, she complained to the management and I am now barred for life.
 
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. Doctor, the man said, I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!'

Nonsense, the doctor said.... Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.

It isn't possible, the man insisted.
This can't be,
Our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'

Well, said the doctor,
Let me ask you this.
How often do you have sex???"

The man seemed a bit ashamed.. I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'

Well, there you have it! The doctor said confidently....

It's Rust
 
Wyvern_64
http://inhabitat.com/new-yorks-high-line-park-in-the-sky-opens-today/

And I deeply respect anyone affected by 9/11 and usually don't joke about it but that joke was just really funny to me. :lol:
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I didn't find it funny, but after reading the comments about it now I do find it funny lol

p-coletray
That rant teminded me of this one:

American VS Japanese Management.

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day they felt ready.

The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action.

The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.

After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team.

So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem....
Click to expand...

Lol it's always funny when it's true
 
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Two men were out on the lake fishing.They happened to look up and see a funeral procession crossing over the bridge before them.The 1st fisherman stands up, takes off his hat and bows until the procession has passed. After it passes, he puts his hat back on and proceeds to go about his fishing. The 2nd fisherman says to his friend, "why that's pretty noble of you to do such an act". The 1st fisherman replies back, "it's the least I could do, I was married to her for 40 years".
 
A man and a woman who had been dating for a couple of months had decided to start taking their relationship seriously. The man says: "If we're going to take this relationship seriously I think you need to know that I'm a huge golf fanatic. I regularly play golf, I watch the PGA Tour on TV and I read a lot of golfing magazines". The woman replies: "I'm fine with that, however I need to let a secret of my own. I was a hooker for five years". The man replies: "That's okay, all you need to do is twist your wrists a bit and straighten your back up a bit and then you'll be fine."
 
NASA are recruiting for female astronauts. The final 3 applicants are asked into a room where they must answer some questions.

The first, red headed woman goes in and is asked a series of questions. The last question is "What planet would you most like to visit and why?"

"I'd quite like to see Mars because it's our closest neighbour." Replies the red head.

The next woman, a brunette, is asked the same set of questions and the same final question as the red head.

"I'd like to go to Pluto because it's so far away on the edge of our system." she answers.

The last applicant, a blonde, is called in and asked the same questions and asked same final question as the other two women.

"I'd like to land on the Sun because it's so huge." she replies.

The panel look at each other and one says "But if you go to the Sun you would burn to death before you even got close!"

The blonde cracks a grin and says "Don't be silly, I'd go there at night."
 
A blonde decides to kidnap a small boy and hold him for ransom. Having grabbed her victim from the playground she writes a note saying, "I've kidnapped your boy. Tomorrow morning put £10,000 in a bag and leave it by the statue in the town square. Signed, A Blonde." The blonde then pins the note to the boys shirt and sends him home. The next morning the blonde checks the statue and finds the boy standing there with a bagful of money. The boy hands the blonde a note. It's reads, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
 
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"
 
"Dad, are those buffaloes straight?"

"No, they're bison."

"Well, it's a free country."
 
I didn't read all 100+ pages so I hope these haven't been posted before.

(This was in a movie, you may recall it.)

The captain of a plane is making the usual announcements about safety features and whatnot, but he forgets to turn off the microphone when he's done.

He says to his co-pilot. "You know, all I want right now is a cup of coffee and a blow job." and this is announced to the entire plane. The stewardess rushes to the front of the plane to tell him the mic is still on.

As she runs to the front of the plane, one of the passengers yells "Don't forget the coffee."



Here's another.

So a Jew, a Hindu, and a Lawyer are traveling together and can't find a place to stay. Eventually they find a farm and ask the farmer if they can spend the night there. He agrees, but will only allow them to stay in the barn. So they agree to this and all head to the barn to sleep.

Not too long later, the Jew knocks on the door. "There are pigs in the barn, they are considered unclean. May I sleep in house?" So the farmer agrees to this and lets the Jew stay in the house. Everyone settles down to sleep again.

A short time later, the Hindu knocks on the door. "Cows are being kept in that barn. They are sacred to me and it wouldn't be right for me to sleep there. May I stay in the house?" The farmer agrees to this and everyone goes to sleep.

A couple minutes pass, then the cows and the pigs come knocking on the door...


Okay, one more, yeah, another lawyer joke. :)

A lawyer from the big city decides to take a vacation to Kentucky and go hunting. He finds that he's quite a good shot and is having a great time. Eventually, he shoots a bird and it falls in a field. He's just climbing over the fence to retrieve his prize when the farmer yells at him. "Hey! That bird fell on my land, it belongs to me now!" The lawyer tells the farmer that where he's from, he's the best lawyer there is. He also tells the farmer that if he doesn't let him collect the bird, he'll take him to court, and by the time he's done with him, he'll have taken all of the farmer's land as well.

But the farmer is unmoved and says:
"Well I don't care where you're from, but around here, we have the 'Three Kick Rule.'"

"Three Kick Rule? What's that?" Asks the Lawyer.

"Well, first I kick you as hard as I can three times, then you kick me as hard as you can three times. We go back and forth until one of us gives up. Whoever doesn't give up is the winner and can claim the prize. So whadd'ya say?"

The lawyer thinks about it for a second and sizes the farmer up, then he agrees to the wager. "Okay fine."

So the farmer begins by kicking him right in the stomach. The lawyer doubles over, but stands back up. He's not about to give up so easily. Then the farmer kicks him again this time even harder. Now the lawyer is in significant pain, but he's not ready to give in. Finally, the farmer delivers his last kick directly between the lawyer's legs. The lawyer falls to his knees in pain but manages to get up.

Now it's the lawyer's turn to to the kicking and he's ready to give it all he's got. Just as he's about to deliver the first kick, the farmer stops him.
"Okay." He says. "I give up, you can have the bird."
 
shem
NASA are recruiting for female astronauts. The final 3 applicants are asked into a room where they must answer some questions.

The first, red headed woman goes in and is asked a series of questions. The last question is "What planet would you most like to visit and why?"

"I'd quite like to see Mars because it's our closest neighbour." Replies the red head.

The next woman, a brunette, is asked the same set of questions and the same final question as the red head.

"I'd like to go to Pluto because it's so far away on the edge of our system." she answers.

The last applicant, a blonde, is called in and asked the same questions and asked same final question as the other two women.

"I'd like to land on the Sun because it's so huge." she replies.

The panel look at each other and one says "But if you go to the Sun you would burn to death before you even got close!"

The blonde cracks a grin and says "Don't be silly, I'd go there at night."
Click to expand...

Ironic that the redhead was wrong and the brunette didn't even name a planet. Neither did the blonde, mind.

Incidentally, I've just found out that my brother is addicted to brake fluid.



But he says not to worry, as he can stop any time he wants...
 
A photon walks into a hotel. The Hotel clerk asks the photon. "Would you like assistance with your bags?"



The photon replies, "It's ok, i'm traveling light.
 
^ Was used recently in the Funny Pic thread.

A Neutrino walks into a store. A sale associate asks if he would like help, to which it replies "No thanks, I'm just passing through."
 
When the title says jokes would that also include funny stories? I do more stand up style jokes not really line, line, punch line like the jokes here and want to share some.
 

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