Jokes!!

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into
a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the
girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and
goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an
escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in
jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck."
If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably
very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I
love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was
whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and
asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be
strong honey. I love you too!!"
 
I was listening to Dave Arnold's radio show/podcast and heard him tell this little gem...

True story: he and the girl he does the show with were doing some kind of expo/event thing and the famous violinist Joshua Bell is in attendance. She starts talking to him and asking about music and what else he likes besides classical. He told her that besides his classical repetoire he liked Genesis. She replied, "That's all?" He says, "No, just their early stuff."
 
Jay Leno was making fun of the Cincinnati Bengals: "In fact, Cincinnati running back Cedric Benson just got out of jail before the season began. Ironically he was surrounded by less criminals in jail than he would be in a Bengals huddle"
 
RacecarBMW
Hmm this is the 2nd joke in this thread that I don't get. Can someone explain it please.
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madge_cone.jpg


Didn't grow up in the Madonna era, eh?
 
Paddy and Mick are trying to estimate the height of a flag pole. A builder walks past and they explain their problem.
He says "That's simple, watch this." He then unbolts it, lies it flat and measure it.
Paddy then says to Mick "What an idiot, we want the height not the length"
 
adamp93
Paddy and Mick are trying to estimate the height of a flag pole. A builder walks past and they explain their problem.
He says "That's simple, watch this." He then unbolts it, lies it flat and measure it.
Paddy then says to Mick "What an idiot, we want the height not the length"
Click to expand...

:lol: That's great.
 
adamp93
Paddy and Mick are trying to estimate the height of a flag pole. A builder walks past and they explain their problem.
He says "That's simple, watch this." He then unbolts it, lies it flat and measure it.
Paddy then says to Mick "What an idiot, we want the height not the length"
Click to expand...

👍
It's great to laugh. :lol:
 
Probably an old one but here goes...

Why are pirates, pirates?

Because they AARRGGGHHHH!!!

And...

Man walks into a bar with a tiger on a leash. He approaches the bar and the barman gets a bit worried so moves to the man and asks "What can I do for you?"
"Do you serve Chinese people here?"
The barman replies "Well, of course sir, we're not racist here, we'll serve anyone!"
"In that case," says the man "I'll take a Guinness for myself and a China man for my tiger."
 
Last edited:
Found a good one...

Do at a bowling alley

Things to do at a Bowling Alley

  • Everytime you throw exclaim "TAKE THAT, YOU!!!" continue this behavior until forcefully thrown out.
  • When ever a strike "X" appears on the screen, start yelling about how this is a Black Panther conspiracy.
  • Explain to the Owner how your game has been ruined due to Platetechtonics then loose him in lingo. Demand Compensation.
  • Bring Zippo fluid, light the pins on fire.
  • Wear Golf Shoes.
  • Pray to the pins, leave sacrifices.
  • Dress up like an amish man. Give speaches to others against the high technology used in bowling.
  • Play bocci with extra lane balls
  • Try to juggle the balls, when you drop them, start screaming about Platetechtonics again
  • Every ten minutes run the entire length of the building beating your own head and speaking in tounges, then sit down as if nothing happened.
  • Bring full angling gear, ask how they're biting.....fish.
  • Completely cover your ball in duct tape (sticky side out) then loudly complain about how your hook is off.
  • Hide behind the pins. Stick your head up, LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.
  • Use a Curling Weight instead, bring a full team of sweepers.
  • Throw refuse down the ball return, tell the owner the trash compactor is busted.
  • Make your prescence known by arranging pentagrams out of candles on every lane except yours.
  • Root for the other team- Bring Banners.
  • Make fun of your team- Bring Lettuce.
  • Tell the rival team captain that you just met his "little girl" walk away mumbling "how bad things happen"
  • Bring a foghorn, use at crucial moments
  • Even if you miss totally--At the top of your lungs scream STEEEEEEEEERIKE
  • Bring a small gold idol, demand the other team pray to it.
  • Rent all the lanes, don't bowl
  • Rent all the shoes, eat them
  • Blatenly Underscore yourself, then accuse the other team of cheating
  • When an opponent is on his backswing, race up and take his ball, run home.
  • If your team is in the finals, throw nothing but gutterballs, blame platetechtonics
  • Trip EVERY member of the opposing team, trip your team, trip everyone
  • Wear a baseball uniform, bowl sidearm.
  • SuperGlue Police Whistles to the hand-dryers...leave town
  • Walk around asking people why they are here, do this the whole night
  • Ask to use the house mic. Say you want to make an anoucement, expond on the sins of bowling
  • Name your ball something like "KILLER", Openly boast to everyone how great you are, bowl terribly. Do this all night
  • Sit in your lane and heckle others with a BullHorn.
  • Bring a dartgun...Be inventive.
  • Wrestle with your ball. (WWF Style) Ask someone to ref.
  • Run around sprinkling "MAGIC FAIRY DUST" on everyone's balls. Tar works nice.
  • Sponsor a Really Big Open Bowl Night, Dont even have a Entrance fee. Advertise it using Every Mass Media known to man, make the 3rd Prize: $10,000 and a Porshce 2nd Prize: $5,000 and a trip to Europe 1st Prize: A coffee mug Then sit back a watch the fights..... leave or Cancel the whole thing.
  • Hand out Pamphlets on Patetechtonics.
 
AlexGTV
Mythbusters got a way to visit the sun without getting burned.

How will they do it?

They will arrive at night.
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That sounds like something Jeremy Clarkson would say...
 
I have a friend, who has OCD (obsessive compuslive disorder), who gets mad every time someone says that he has OCD

He complains that it should be in alphabetical order, CDO!
 
granturismite
I have a friend, who has OCD (obsessive compuslive disorder), who gets mad every time someone says that he has OCD

He complains that it should be in alphabetical order, CDO!
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Or I have CDO. Its like OCD, but thankfully in alphabetical order.
 
There's two fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says "How do you drive this thing?"

P.S.
Happy holidays!
 
There's two fish in a river, and it starts raining. One says to the other,"quick, swim under that bridge, or we will get wet.
 
mattythedog
Or I have CDO. Its like OCD, but thankfully in alphabetical order.
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That is well funny. The person who made up the name obviously didn't think much in the process. :lol: 👍
 
A list of some of the worst Christmas cracker jokes to *ahem* bless the dinner table.

What's brown and sweet and glides around an ice rink?
Bourneville and Dean

What's a specimen?
An Italian astronaut

What do you call a short sighted dinosaur?
A do-you-think-he-saw-us!

What do you call a man with brown paper trousers?
Russell

What do you call a man with a pole through his leg?
Rodney

Why would you invite a mushroom to a Christmas party?
He's a fun guy to be with.

Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed?
He had low elf-esteem.

Who was England's first chiropodist?
William the Corncurer

Why should husbands make the early morning tea for their wives?
Because the Bible says He Brews

What's the longest word in the English language?
Smiles, because there is a "mile" between the first and the last letters.



1. What is Santa's favourite pizza?

One that's deep pan, crisp and even.

2. On which side do chickens have the most feathers?

The outside.

3. What kind of paper likes music?

(W)rapping paper.

4. What's white and goes up?

A confused snowflake.

5. What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?

Annette.

6. Did you hear about the man who bought a paper shop?

It blew away.

7. What's furry and minty?

A polo bear.

8. How do snowmen get around?

They ride an icicle.

9. Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?

A mince spy.

10. What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?

Lost.
 
I've always wanted to put some completely non-PC jokes into the family crackers and watch everyone's faces. Like: How do you get a clown off a swing? Hit him in the face with an axe! The kids will love it... honestly!
 
We've had to make our own crackers this year because they aren't easy to find in China and won't ship in because of the explosives use.
We went for putting condoms in each one for a laugh as we don't have any kids coming this year.
 

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