Jokes!!

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I was hit by a bottle of Omega 3 & 6 pills earlier.

Luckily I only suffered super fish oil injuries.
 
Nice joke. What's black and white and re(a)d all over?

A zeb... no, newspaper. Oh bugger!
 

Jesus. You and one of my friends seem to have the same humour. A typical example of my friend's sense of humour:

"What's big, white and swings through the jungle on vines?"

"An Adventurous fridge".
 
I was shopping earlier when I noticed a lad in a wheelchair shoplifting a pair of camouflage trousers and a camouflage shirt.

He can hide, but he can't run.
 
Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to, and there was his doctor, Sven.

"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."

"Vhat's the bad news?", asks Ole.

"The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena."

"Vell, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't piss in your eye."
 
Jesus. You and one of my friends seem to have the same humour. A typical example of my friend's sense of humour:

"What's big, white and swings through the jungle on vines?"

"An Adventurous fridge".

:lol:
 
Paddy and Murphy are strolling along the street when a drunk driver hits Paddy and brakes his leg.

Paddy shouts to Murphy "Murph, I'm in so much pain, won't you support me leg?"

Murphy screams "Come on leg, come on leg, come on leg!!!"
 
A prisoner on Death Row in Utah has been allowed to choose his firing squad. He has chosen Emile Heskey and Fernando Torres.
 
An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you? She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.' The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?" He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
 
I was sitting next to a man yesterday with jelly in one ear and custard in the other. I turned to him and said "are you a trifle deaf?" He said "no - I'm mentally ill"

The last time I went on holiday I flew with BA. It was terrible - he kept on yelling "I ain't gettin' on no plane, fool!"

What's got two arms one wheel and flys?
A barrow of manure.

I stood watching 5 Liverpool fans knocking the daylights out of a Millwall fan when an old lady shouted to me you must help theres 5 of them, I said they dont need help, 5's enough.

A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger.

I get Christmas withdrawal symptoms on the 26th...cold turkey!

What do you call 2 Irish Homosexuals?
Patrick Fitzwilly & Willy Fitzpatrick
 
TB
Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to, and there was his doctor, Sven.

"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."

"Vhat's the bad news?", asks Ole.

"The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena."

"Vell, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't piss in your eye."

PRICELESS 👍
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*copied and pasted to forward on*
 
I got pulled over in a road block last night.
The policeman said "papers".
I said "scissors".
I clearly won so I drove off....
 
Just talked to a guy living in North Dakota near the Canadian border. He said that since early this morning the snow is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping and is at about 15 degrees and the north wind is increasing. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.

He says that if it gets much worse - he may have to let her in...
 
Christmas was at my house this year and unfortunately he had to work all day and was going to be late for dinner. When he finally arrived my Aunt met him at the door with a broom in her hand and he said "Are you cleaning or is it time for us to leave already?"
 
If you ask me, people who harm children should be strangled at birth.

I just dropped a hard drive on my toe.Such a painful memory.
 
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Q - What do the Cleveland Browns and an Evangelist have in common ?

A - at any given time, either one can make 70,000 people stand up and yell Jesus Christ
 
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