Kings Joke Thread.

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A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had sex or
a date in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something
wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex
therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese
sex therapist, so she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all
you crose."

The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass
to odder side of room."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

So she did. Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem
vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you
not haf any sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is
Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease
is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your arse."
 
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out
to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(Oh My God!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves
to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to
its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human
jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer
than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.

(What about that pig??)
 
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.


Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the SexEd class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different war.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with...
"A recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins
"Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this [censored]..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.
 
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins
"Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this [censored]..."
Click to expand...


rotfl.gif


You don't know how true that is. :lol:
 
Actually southern zoos don't have recipes on the description, I would know I live in Mississippi. You are probably saying that because you live up north and don't know crap about the south.j/k. Although most people who live up north are stereotypical about the south.
Just incase you were wondering yes I did read your location under you avatar.
 
Originally posted by 69Dodge_Charger
Actually southern zoos don't have recipes on the description, I would know I live in Mississippi. You are probably saying that because you live up north and don't know crap about the south.j/k. Although most people who live up north are stereotypical about the south.
Just incase you were wondering yes I did read your location under you avatar.
Click to expand...

I'm not from the South either, but I still drink my tea from a Mason Jar.

What's the difference between a Yankee and a Damn Yankee?
A yankee has come for a visit. A damn Yankee has come to stay.

As far as marrying virgins...What do southern men and mountain men tell their sons about marrying virgins?

Doncha marry no virgin boy. Any girl that ain't good enough for her own cousins ain't good enough for you.
 
Originally posted by TVRKing
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the SexEd class uses it.
Click to expand...
Why don't Iraqis hold Driver Ed and Sex Ed at the same time?
Because they don't want to tire out the camel.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
Click to expand...
What's got 80 balls and f--ks old ladies?
Bingo.

;)
 
Whats the difference between pick,and chose

Pick is when you have two choices and you "pick" one
chose is what Mexicans where on there feet
 
LITTLE BILLY ON GETTING OLDER.

Little Billy was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said "Son, eating all that candy isn't good for you, it will give you acne, rot your teeth and make you fat."
Litlle Billy replied "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
"Oh?" replied the man "Did he eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
"No" replied Little Billy "He minded his own ****ing business!"

LITTLE BILLY ON PHILOSOPHY

A teacher asks her class, "If there a 5 birds sat on a fence and you shot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on Little Billy
"None" he replies, "They would all fly away after the first shot"
The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then Little Billy says, "I have a question for YOU"
"There are 3 women sitting on a bench eating ice cream: One is delicatley licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream, The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone and the third is biting the top of the ice cream, Which one is married?"
The teacher blushing a great deal replies, "Well I suppose the one thats gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which billy replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on but I like your thinking."

LITTLE BILLY ON MATHS

Little Billy returns home and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks his father
"The teacher asked me, what is 2x3, I said 6" replied Billy
"But thats right!" says his Dad
"Yeah, but then she asked me, what is 3x2?"
"Whats the ****ing difference?" asks his father
"Thats what I said!"

LITTLE BILLY ON ENGLISH

Little Billy goes to school and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words class, does anybody know a multi-syllable word?"
Billy says "Mas-tur-bate"
Miss Rogers smiles and says "Wow, Little Billy, thats a mouthful"
Little Billy says, "No Miss Rogers, youre thinking of a *******!!"
 
A guy dies,and goes to hell.When he gets there one of the demons greets him."Hi I'm a demon from hell its my job to show you the 3 rooms you can chose from to spend entirety"
So he shows him the first room,and everyone in there is burning up,there's fire,and hot coals everywhere.So guys guy tells the demon "no no no I don't want this room"So the demon shows him to the next room.
In this room everyone is completely naked freezing.The guy says"no no no I don't want this room earthier.
So the demon shows him to the final room,and in there everyone is drinking coffee,and up to there necks with chit.So the guy think a little bit and decides to take the 3rd room,and no sooner as he get settled,and gets his cup of coffee Satan comes on the intercom,and says"ok everyone 15 min coffee break over everybody on thier knees"
 
Originally posted by TVRKing
LITTLE BILLY ON MATHS

Little Billy returns home and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks his father
"The teacher asked me, what is 2x3, I said 6" replied Billy
"But thats right!" says his Dad
"Yeah, but then she asked me, what is 3x2?"
"Whats the ****ing difference?" asks his father
"Thats what I said!"
Click to expand...
Good one! :lol:

LITTLE BILLY ON ENGLISH

Little Billy goes to school and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words class, does anybody know a multi-syllable word?"
Billy says "Mas-tur-bate"
Miss Rogers smiles and says "Wow, Little Billy, thats a mouthful"
Little Billy says, "No Miss Rogers, youre thinking of a *******!!"
Click to expand...
Ha! Sensational! :lol:

BTW - Miss "Roger"s = delibrate pun?
 
A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street.

Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie.

The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila."... Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila."

The Genie grants him his wish.

When the Mexican gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like tequila.

Then he smells the liquid. Smells like tequila.

So, he takes a taste and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.

The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!"

She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass out
of the cupboard and fills it.

He tells her to drink it. It is tequila.

Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.

The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard.

He proceeds to fill the two glasses.

The result is the same, the tequila is excellent and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his
wife, "Consuelo grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila."

His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.
The Mexican begins to fill the glass and when he fills it, his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass tongiht?"

Pancho raised the glass and says,

"Because tonight, mi amor, you drink from the bottle. "


sombrero.gif
ARRIBA!!!

rotfl.gif
 
Originally posted by Klosterphobic
****ed that one up didn't ya qjasonp?

Be better if you said back on your "heads".
Click to expand...

The joke is that now thier buried in ****.

Mommy Mommy Jokes: (Warning some are kind of gross)

Mommy, Mommy! What's an orgasm?
I don't know dear, ask your father.

Mommy, Mommy! I keep running in circles.
Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor


Mommy, Mommy! I thought it was my turn to lick the bowl?
Shut up and flush.

Mommy, Mommy! Can I play in the sandbox?
Not until I find a better place to bury Daddy.

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy fell in the campfire!
Shut up and get the barbecue sauce!

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy went through the meat grinder!
Shut up and eat your hamburger!

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's running down the street!
Shut up and step on the gas!

Mommy, Mommy! Grandpa's going out!
Well throw some more gasoline on him then.

Mommy, Mommy! I don't like tomato soup!
Shut up, we only have it once a month.

Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts!
Shut up and get away from the dart board!


Mommy! Why are we pushing the car off the cliff?
Shut up son, you'll wake your father.
 

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