Face masks in Falkirk .. what a fantastic idea
I'm not feeling as gloomy as usual this week as I've been able to get a whole train carriage to myself just by sneezing and wearing a sombrero.
Gordon Brown says Britain is one of the best-prepared countries to handle a flu pandemic, which is especially reassuring after he said we were one of the bestprepared countries to handle the worldwide recession.
The source of these viruses is always very mysterious. Does anyone know where the guy who makes face-masks lives?We think Michael Jackson's mad for always wearing a face mask. Turns out he's way ahead of us.
The collapse of the global economy, world recession and now a swine flu pandemic. Isn't it time we sacrificed a virgin to appease the gods? I hear Susan Boyle's free.
Information leaflets are to be sent out to every British household with advice on the disease. Perfect. All we need is one person in the Post Office to catch the flu and it's all over.
Scientists have narrowed the virus down to H1N1.Well, at least we have a post code.
The first confirmed case of swine flu in the UK was in Falkirk. The good news is that Falkirk people might have to wear face masks. Something I've been petitioning for for many years.
One Scottish honeymoon couple came back from Mexico and were quarantined. They said the week together "was boring". They just got married. I don't think this marriage will last. Doctors have now isolated everyone in Falkirk who looks pale, sick and sweaty - by building a fence around Falkirk.
Twenty-seven people in Scotland have reported thinking they have swine flu, with this number increasing should the good weather continue after the bank holiday.
The whole country is terrified they will be killed by this. The biggest killer in the UK is heart disease. And yet we're all sitting at home on our sofas eating KFC, too scared to go outside for some exercise in case we bump into a sneezing pig.
The Mexican government are desperately trying to calculate how many people are sick from the virus - and how many just ate Mexican food.
The whole of Mexico has completely shut down. Now they know how we feel.
If I'd spent any time at all in Mexico and all I came back with was swine flu, I'd be delighted. My doctor would be saying: "The good news, Mr Boyle, is you've got swine flu. The bad news is you've got gonorrhea, dysentery, hepatitis B, alcohol poisoning and you seem to have been shot in the spine."
Most cases have occurred in villages containing massive pig farms. What are they moaning about? I would have thought having a blocked nose for them would feel like a two-week holiday.
The US issued advice to their citizens to stay at least 6ft away from Mexicans.
Some people have taken that a bit too literally, opting to do this from a sealed casket underground. People are avoiding pork, but you can't catch it from pork.
That's like trying to avoid cancer by refusing to read any more horoscopes.
TheWorld Health Organisation said: "The situation is critical.We've gone from level four to level five. And when we finish playing Halo 3, we'll do something about the virus." The UN says it's desperately trying to avoid millions all over the world dying. That'll be a first for them.
The Government's TV campaign about swine flu was released this week, with the slogan: "Catch It. Bin It. Kill It." They borrowed it from the Metropolitan Police.
As I write this, there are eight confirmed cases of swine flu in the UK. However, as you read this, you may well be the last human being alive. If so, I'd suggest you have a go at the crossword and send it in.
There's a good chance you will win the 50 quid.
Of course, I'm only joking.You won't be the last human alive. That'll be me ... as I live in a hermetically-sealed watchtower high above the city. Don't come round to visit. I will shoot you.
confirmed cases in the UK.
