The male side of the story

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(I know I'm a girl, but I still thought this was funny)

The Male Side of the Story


We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules
from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all
numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about
you leaving it down.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that
way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not
work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,
all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for
example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...
Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping
 
and the funny thing is it doesnt matter if your from the US, Australia, UK etc or even an undiscovered Amazonian Tribe, its the same for all men..!! :lol:
 
The Rules Updated


1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.
1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and cars.
1. Sunday = sports. Let it be.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
1. We don’t remember dates. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it’s genetic.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We Do That
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you don’t want to hear the truth, don’t ask the question.
1. “Fine” or “whatever” is not an appropriate ending to a conversation.
1. If you, the girl, make out with another girl we won’t consider it cheating. Actually we strongly promote this behavior.
1. Any harsh contact with the testicles should be assumed a serious injury but soft caresses are strongly encouraged.
1. Brad Pitt is probably a cool guy but if I hear one more girl say “he’s so hot” he may have to die.
1. Your period should be referred to as ******* week.
1. Video games have helped us develop such finger skills that should only encourage us to play more often.
1. The jeans don’t make your ass look fat. Your fat ass makes your ass look fat.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. Infact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
1. If you want sex, just ask. (In case you didn’t already know.)
1. No guy will complain if he comes home and sees you in one of the following outfits: French Maid, School girl, bunny, or just plain naked.
1. Don’t expect guys to say as many sweet things as they do in the movies. (It takes a lot of guys and their wives to come up with those scripts).
1. Girls look good naked so stop worrying.
1. We are all kinky and willing to try anything that you may enjoy, just let us know.
1. You shouldn’t be flattered or grossed out if we get an erection when dancing with you. All we need is Friction.
1. Blue balls are not sporting equipment. Didn’t your parents teach you not to quit.
1. The red light means the video camera is off.
1. Whip cream and chocolate syrup are not just condiments for ice cream also Altoids just don’t make your breath fresher.
1. If you ask us to go shopping you have to at least entertain the idea of having sex in a changing room.
Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

*No woman can have sole custody of another man's friend.*
~Thr Hick Rezel Amendment

The Code (from Maxim)
Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

(The Patton Principle): Falling on a grenade for a buddy (i.e., agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he’s trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up bonking the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That’s just plain mean.

Things you can always cheat on: your taxes, the SATs, and your resumé. Things you can never cheat on: golf, darts, poker.

Sex with a hot stewardess is still cheating. But sex with hot Swedish stewardess twins, surprisingly, is not.
 
Originally posted by TarnishedAngel5
(I know I'm a girl, but I still thought this was funny)

The Male Side of the Story


We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules
from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all
numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not
work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...
Really.

In regards to the above, in order:
If you won't tell us what you want, be prepared to be happy with what you get, even if it's a circular saw. And don't be pissed if I want to borrow it.

I may be simple, by virtue of being a man. But I'm not dumb enough to tell you I think you look fat. Besides I'm still trying to separate you from your clothes. So, either I must like girls that think they're fat, or you aren't as fat as you'd like to believe. Either way, I like you. But that can change if you keep asking me questions designed to get me in trouble.

If you can't refrain from telling how to do whatever it is you want done, could I please get you to go to Home Depot and get me a
left-handed hammer, a saw with teeth on the upper and lower sides of the blade, and a small can of steam. While you do that, I will work on this thing you asked me to do. BTW they don't have that stuff at the Home Depot here in town, I need you go go over to "the city" and look at that Home Depot there.

Back to the second point, whatever you wear is really fine. You're wondering if it looks good on you, and we're wondering how to get it off. (Refer back to the second item)

And to add. Cosmo is wasting your time and mine trying to tell you how to please me. You want the lowdown?
Show up, act like I'm interesting, and, say "yes" when I suggest getting freaky-deaky. That pretty much covers it.
 
Originally posted by TarnishedAngel5

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about
you leaving it down.
I couldn't agree more. Shout and whinge as much as she wants, it's always staying up.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
THE fundamental rule to a healthy relationship.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that
way.
The other fundamental rule to a healthy relationship.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
I never did see the point to this one...
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Speak for yourself!
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
There's another one of those fundamental rules to a healthy relationship...
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
Ah! Finally we're on the same plane of thought!
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...
Really.
Never saw the point of this one either. I mean, if we don't like it, WE'LL let YOU know.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
Isn't it amazing how the female of the species conveniently forgets to mention sex?
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping
If you don't want me in the same room as me, YOU can go sleep on the couch.

note: Yeah, I know I'm a bit late, but I haven't visited here in a while.
 
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