The Poem Corner

  • Thread starter RACECAR
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Time gone by

Torn appart
broken heart
cold and dark
I walk alone in the park...

Once we strode these lanes
what a dandy time that was had...
hand in hand...
Thoughts of love all that we had...

Time has past since you've gone...
flowers came...
grass has grown...
leafs have come and gone
and snow now covers all...

Yes time has passed...
but life will never be the same.
With you gone the days are long
With you gone the days are wrong
With you gone there is no song

The night you died was the last nite of my life.
Now my life is torn with strife
You were to be my wife...

Why oh why did you take your life...
 
Time gone by

Torn appart
broken heart
cold and dark
I walk alone in the park...

Once we strode these lanes
what a dandy time that was had...
hand in hand...
Thoughts of love all that we had...

Time has past since you've gone...
flowers came...
grass has grown...
leafs have come and gone
and snow now covers all...

Yes time has passed...
but life will never be the same.
With you gone the days are long
With you gone the days are wrong
With you gone there is no song

The night you died was the last nite of my life.
Now mylife is torn with strife
You were to be my wife...

Why oh why did you take your life...

Thats a good poem:tup: . very deep.
 
It seems like you are stretching for rhymes, and using experiences that are stereotypical of the perfect romance. I would suggest making it more unique by focusing on those experiences, and how wonderful she made them.
 
Here is one more from me.

Emotions, they are what run are live's

Emotions, they control what we do. From little things, to life changing things. They control
are very live's, and yet we control them. From joy to fear, from sadness to anger. There are
many parts to are Emotions, yet they are all one part. To have Emotions is to be human,
and to go without them is to be less than human. Emotions, they are what run are live's.
 
See this thing right here?
First haiku of 0 7.
Haikus make me smile.
 
You cannot harm me,
*****, don't you know who I am?
I'm the Juggernaut!
 
after a long time, here's My Fourteenth "The Edge"

"So close so many times, So much I've crossed the line, So Addictive to go and shine, So Much I want it to be mine. as the clock keeps ticking, I keep on wishing, that this isn't fiction, but its what I've been missing. is it all false hope, is it a hoax, is it the real thing, or is it just a dream? every time I'm close it slips away, I hope it is real so I prey, I feel like I'm losing my head, and I'm on The Edge."
 
Twin Towers
I remember exactly where I was, on that fateful day
when United 93 crashed, and the towers got blown away.
when a 70 degree day got turned into night,
and objects were falling out of the sky, left and right.
The teachers were too quiet; we knew something was wrong--
but we didnt know what until we got home.
and everyone was still trying to convince themselves it was just a movie
but the footage showed over and over on ABC.
The images kept playing over and over on TV,
nonstop, just the same scene for 3 weeks,
And after 6 years, the aftershock is still here.
Even though the cloud of dust over Manhattan has finally disappeared.
back in 3rd grade, i was still too young to understand.
i thought 'how could such a little bit of dust kill a man?'
and that night, my daddy didn't come home.
we thought he was lost, he thought he was gone.
my mama thought that the World Trade Center had claimed his life
But that night, he called and said 'everythings going to be all right'
and we looked to Manhattan, where the lights were all out,
and a cloud of dust blotted half the skyline out,
That's when I understood what was really going down,
and why the all the bridges and train lines were down.
and realized how many real people drowned,
that morning, when the twin towers came down.
and then i thought... of the police and firefighters.
the men who risked their lives every day, and today who died from it.
i thought of the pressure and pain,
heavy steel and stone rain,
i thought of all of our people who were slain.
The next time i watched the footage, i realized,
i couldnt imagine looking through those people's eyes
couldnt imagine so many city blocks obliterated
and that was before i even when to the city regularly.
so this song is in tribute to 2 of New York's soldiers--
Who saved lives every day, like Army soldiers.
They knew the high risks involved in their jobs,
but disregarded the fire and bullets that might lose them their jobs,
forever, and put them in eternal sleep,
so i hope that they sleep, in eternal peace.
This song is dedicated to those brothers, the twin towers,
Who, on 9/11, met the end of their hours...

R.I.P.

John and Joseph Vigiano, NYPD and NY Fire Department..


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EDIT Stupid Autoformatting... :grumpy:

And that is for Lang. Arts class. I wrote that in about 15 minutes, having a lot to write because my home is New York City. I think the teacher put that video on just cause she hates me--no other class watched it. The video was about John and Joe, 2 NYPD and FDNY officers who died in the towers.

Many more to come, including one called 'Black' which is finished but I don't have right now.
 
The End Of The Road

I met a girl when I was driving around
Her car broke down so I got on the ground
Too hard to fix so I offered her a ride
She had to decide and finally got inside

I asked for her name and she didn't reply
I thought she was shy but then she said why
On witness protection her life's in danger
So she took a ride from me, a stranger

The miles passed with my favorite tunes
Remind me of happy youthful afternoons
I almost forgot about my female passenger
A lovely treasure if I was a scavenger

She turned the dial to some upbeat jazz
Fit her personality full of pizzazz
Our eyes met and she gave me a smile
All the while I noticed her wild hairstyle

She sang along to the trumpet and horn
Girl was born to sing and I was torn
Between listening to her graceful swing
And watching what the road would bring

When the song finished I had to say
Babe you have a way to make me sway
She blushed and shook her pretty head
And said I better look ahead

A few miles later we reached our destination
My temptation just led to more frustration
This is starting to sound like a damn country song
I tried to prolong 'cos there's no need to say so long

She opened my door and thanked me very much
I rode my clutch and said we should stay in touch
Without a word she left not even a goodbye
By and by she'll be on the stand to testify

I couldn't believe this was the end of the road
Thought back to the way her golden hair flowed
Just then I noticed a note she left on the seat
"Meet me same time tomorrow to get something to eat"​
 
nice poems by both of you. would love to hear more from y'all.
 
My Fifteenth, "Begin"

"The cameras flash and heads turn, and the sun rises as I observe, the seemingly never ending size of the crowd, as the excitment continues to grow load. I sit in my ride paciently with my heart pounding, to think what I saw on t.v. was astounding, but now I'm there in person and up close, and I know for sure this spectacle will keep me on my toes. I look across the grid and see the cars, all the crew and the main stars, the drivers themselves for first time just behind and in front of me, most of them I've seen on T.V., now Its real as close as I can see, and I got goosebumps and shook a bit nervously. as the start was coming closer, I had a flashback as I saw a poster, I remembered my words "someday, I 'll be there", then I came back to reality as I said to myself "I'm Finally here". so there was against the best, my was pounding so hard, it felt like it wanted to jump out of my chest, then I heard the words, 'gentleman, start your engines', as I fired up my car, my adventure was about to begin."
 
:lol:

Nice poem :)👍

Thanks!

My Fifteenth, "Begin"

"The cameras flash and heads turn, and the sun rises as I observe, the seemingly never ending size of the crowd, as the excitment continues to grow load. I sit in my ride paciently with my heart pounding, to think what I saw on t.v. was astounding, but now I'm there in person and up close, and I know for sure this spectacle will keep me on my toes. I look across the grid and see the cars, all the crew and the main stars, the drivers themselves for first time just behind and in front of me, most of them I've seen on T.V., now Its real as close as I can see, and I got goosebumps and shook a bit nervously. as the start was coming closer, I had a flashback as I saw a poster, I remembered my words "someday, I 'll be there", then I came back to reality as I said to myself "I'm Finally here". so there was against the best, my was pounding so hard, it felt like it wanted to jump out of my chest, then I heard the words, 'gentleman, start your engines', as I fired up my car, my adventure was about to begin."

RACECAR, you tell a good story here. Two things though.

1. Your format of posting this looks much more like a technical paragraph than beautiful poetry. Split the lines man. It'll look soooo much better.
2. Closely related to this is that I can't see any sort of rhythm. Rhythm depends on the amount of syllables per line - and it seems like a free for all with no standard. Once you split the lines you'll be able to visually see this - some of those lines are going to dwarf ones before and after them!
 
Thanks!



RACECAR, you tell a good story here. Two things though.

1. Your format of posting this looks much more like a technical paragraph than beautiful poetry. Split the lines man. It'll look soooo much better.
I never payed attention to that. I'll keep that in mind.
2. Closely related to this is that I can't see any sort of rhythm. Rhythm depends on the amount of syllables per line - and it seems like a free for all with no standard. Once you split the lines you'll be able to visually see this - some of those lines are going to dwarf ones before and after them!

I always focused on what words and rhymes went together. could you give me an example of the rhythm your talking about?
 
I always focused on what words and rhymes went together. could you give me an example of the rhythm your talking about?

Think about it as song lyrics. My last poem, is really song lyrics - and so you should easily be able to put a rhythm to it. It helps that this particular song is consistent throughout. Try making up a melody to this first verse.

I met a girl.... when I was driving around!
Her car broke down... so I got on the ground!
Too hard to fix.... so I offered her a ride!
She had to decide... and finally got inside!

I accented the pause and the end of the line so you can how closely they match. It just kind of flows, right?
 
Here's another from me. Some of the lines get a bit long but not too bad. Anyway if you read this I want your FULL reaction to it, specifically how you feel about the demon and his character.


Fallen Demon

I met a man on the outskirts of town
A small local diner kinda run-down
Didn't smile, didn't show emotion
Struggled to order over the commotion

I introduced myself in my usual manner
He kept his eyes on the newspaper banner
Said he's a fallen demon from hell
Well they say you never can tell

He bent forward and rubbed his eyes
So I asked what led to his demise
Why is a fallen demon from hell
Acting like a hopeless rebel

The headlines scream about war
He rubbed his tired eyes some more
We sat in silence drinking coke
Til at last he finally spoke:

Hell is a lot like heaven
By the time you count to seven
I could travel back and forth
From this dimension to the fourth

I possessed you in your dreams
I heard the mourner's screams
When you felt the chills on your back
That was me ready to attack!

I spoke with sorcerers and magicians
Bought the souls of many musicians
It's a charming psychic deception
The trick of extrasensory perception

I split marriages with fear and doubt
A little lust affects even the most devout
As Cupid took shots with his arrow
I corrupted the straight and narrow.

Fallen demon from hell
Fallen demon from hell

We talked for the next few hours
He sure missed them spiritual powers
People left as it got later and later
Til it was me, him and the waiter

Sitting across from me in our booth
My new friend was no longer aloof
I never bothered to ask for any proof
I knew that he was telling the truth

Just when we were about to say goodbye
He looked our impatient waiter in the eye
And apologized for the chilling nightmares
That always plagued him in terrifying pairs

Forgiveness I began to understand
When the waiter shook the demon's hand
We thanked him with a generous tip
And left to pursue a midnight trip

Walking along a dusty road made of gravel
We left the ghost-town with miles to travel
I learned why this fallen demon from hell
Was kicked out, forced to say farewell

Prowling the dark his orders were clear as day
Night before the wedding, tempt the fiancée
She wouldn't give in to his seduction
Cast off by her prayer of invocation

Suddenly a powerful incubus appeared
Notorious for evil and greatly feared
He could only watch as she was raped
Felt disgusted and dirty when he escaped

Satan wouldn't tolerate him being queasy
You know a demon's got to be sleazy
Banished from hell 'cos he didn't belong
A demon with a sense of right and wrong

Fallen demon from hell
Fallen demon from hell

Headlights crept up on us from behind
The edge of the road was hard to find
We stepped to the side so the car could pass
Walking in the overgrown parched grass

I turned to look but it was too late
SUV ran him down on route eight
Hit and run never even slowed down
Another death in this damn ghost-town

You could say karma finally caught up
You could say it was fate's grand setup
I say this fallen demon from hell
Was my guardian angel as well

I wonder where in eternity his soul lies
A snowball's chance in hell to rise?
Too bad for heaven, too good for hell
I hear the chilling ring of the final bell

Fallen demon from hell
Fallen demon from hell​
 
Here's another from me. Some of the lines get a bit long but not too bad. Anyway if you read this I want your FULL reaction to it, specifically how you feel about the demon and his character.


Fallen Demon

I met a man on the outskirts of town
A small local diner kinda run-down
Didn't smile, didn't show emotion
Struggled to order over the commotion

I introduced myself in my usual manner
He kept his eyes on the newspaper banner
Said he's a fallen demon from hell
Well they say you never can tell

He bent forward and rubbed his eyes
So I asked what led to his demise
Why is a fallen demon from hell
Acting like a hopeless rebel

The headlines scream about war
He rubbed his tired eyes some more
We sat in silence drinking coke
Til at last he finally spoke:

Hell is a lot like heaven
By the time you count to seven
I could travel back and forth
From this dimension to the fourth

I possessed you in your dreams
I heard the mourner's screams
When you felt the chills on your back
That was me ready to attack!

I spoke with sorcerers and magicians
Bought the souls of many musicians
It's a charming psychic deception
The trick of extrasensory perception

I split marriages with fear and doubt
A little lust affects even the most devout
As Cupid took shots with his arrow
I corrupted the straight and narrow.

Fallen demon from hell
Fallen demon from hell

We talked for the next few hours
He sure missed them spiritual powers
People left as it got later and later
Til it was me, him and the waiter

Sitting across from me in our booth
My new friend was no longer aloof
I never bothered to ask for any proof
I knew that he was telling the truth

Just when we were about to say goodbye
He looked our impatient waiter in the eye
And apologized for the chilling nightmares
That always plagued him in terrifying pairs

Forgiveness I began to understand
When the waiter shook the demon's hand
We thanked him with a generous tip
And left to pursue a midnight trip

Walking along a dusty road made of gravel
We left the ghost-town with miles to travel
I learned why this fallen demon from hell
Was kicked out, forced to say farewell

Prowling the dark his orders were clear as day
Night before the wedding, tempt the fiancée
She wouldn't give in to his seduction
Cast off by her prayer of invocation

Suddenly a powerful incubus appeared
Notorious for evil and greatly feared
He could only watch as she was raped
Felt disgusted and dirty when he escaped

Satan wouldn't tolerate him being queasy
You know a demon's got to be sleazy
Banished from hell 'cos he didn't belong
A demon with a sense of right and wrong

Fallen demon from hell
Fallen demon from hell

Headlights crept up on us from behind
The edge of the road was hard to find
We stepped to the side so the car could pass
Walking in the overgrown parched grass

I turned to look but it was too late
SUV ran him down on route eight
Hit and run never even slowed down
Another death in this damn ghost-town

You could say karma finally caught up
You could say it was fate's grand setup
I say this fallen demon from hell
Was my guardian angel as well

I wonder where in eternity his soul lies
A snowball's chance in hell to rise?
Too bad for heaven, too good for hell
I hear the chilling ring of the final bell

Fallen demon from hell
Fallen demon from hell​

I really like the demon's character. its a different perspective from the otherwise stereotypical Demon Characters I've read about.
 
Another lang. arts assignment...


Black

Black birds busily bounce in the blue sky, to their nests and back.

Black shadows whoosh so silently and dark, they are unseen.

Black is like the stealth fighters, initiating attack.

Black is the opposite of green,
Burning down the budding plants,
While representing death.

Black cats can make your skin crawl like so many ants.

Black is so stained, it is purity, the opposite of white crack or crystal meth.

Black holes gape and suck in everything around them, not even light escapes.
 
Hey, there...
I really liked Fallen Demon. 👍
It's the kind that people can hear being recited with mild rap in the background; really nice. Yeah... Setting something like that to music would be awesome.
The way kennythebomb made the guy a fallen demon torn between the two sides and ending up nowhere was really original. I mean, the idea of a demon failure seemed really cliche until I read about that queasy incubus.
As for the manner of the demon, really mysterious yet open. You can tell that there's something hidden about the fallen demon from the very beginning, and even though he reveals his failure at being a creature of Hell, the whole truth is just shrouded and seems unable to reveal itself...
It really rhymes well, too. The rhythm is steady and accelerates at places where the details come in, which fits, of course.
Yeah... an angelic side... really clear how a demon cannot fall unless the angel part of it does, too.
Once again, 👍
 
Another lang. arts assignment...


Black

Black birds busily bounce in the blue sky, to their nests and back.

Black shadows whoosh so silently and dark, they are unseen.

Black is like the stealth fighters, initiating attack.

Black is the opposite of green,
Burning down the budding plants,
While representing death.

Black cats can make your skin crawl like so many ants.

Black is so stained, it is purity, the opposite of white crack or crystal meth.

Black holes gape and suck in everything around them, not even light escapes.

👍 Nice how the poem associates black the color with all of the seemingly-random-yet-connected concepts of, well, life in general. The line about the black birds has an awkward bit of alliteration, though... I like how you made black the opposite of green despite the fact that a lot of people see white as its opposite, and how you explain later how black is "so stained, it is purity" and thus can also be the opposite of white in a way.👍
 
Hey, there...
I really liked Fallen Demon. 👍
It's the kind that people can hear being recited with mild rap in the background; really nice. Yeah... Setting something like that to music would be awesome.
The way kennythebomb made the guy a fallen demon torn between the two sides and ending up nowhere was really original. I mean, the idea of a demon failure seemed really cliche until I read about that queasy incubus.
As for the manner of the demon, really mysterious yet open. You can tell that there's something hidden about the fallen demon from the very beginning, and even though he reveals his failure at being a creature of Hell, the whole truth is just shrouded and seems unable to reveal itself...
It really rhymes well, too. The rhythm is steady and accelerates at places where the details come in, which fits, of course.
Yeah... an angelic side... really clear how a demon cannot fall unless the angel part of it does, too.
Once again, 👍

Thank you so much for that reply/review! That's some of the best feedback I've heard on this :)
 
Hi there, I'm new around here, so... yeah, I'll try and get used to the environment here. Anyway, I'm not that good at poetry, and I'm writing a few as a form of clues to my story, which is a puzzle of sorts. Many aspects, like storyline, characters, and even clues themselves have the ability to distort one's mind, making the reader in search on what the real truth is. This was one of the poems I've did, and I hope you will enjoy it. Thanks you.

REMNANTS
BY: OUTLAW-2


A hand; stretching out for me,
I grasped it; only to be a marionette’s,
Chains; rusty that screamed tetanus,
Cuffed; firmly to my ankles.

A syringe; used and discarded,
Blood; dried and rotting
Wounds; open and infected,
Body; feverish.

A window; I viewed through it,
Devastation; I saw failed copies of myself,
Frustration; I huddled to one grimy corner,
A whip; forcing me to stretch out my arm.

Blood; my life force extracted,
Breaths; each one heavier than before,
Vision; blurred,
Conversation; slurred.

A yank; I woke up,
A hand; doused in blood,
I grasped it; but was shoved away,
I stumbled; stepped on countless times.

A howl; I wept,
Tears; in a form of blood,
Pain; surged throughout my body,
Time; a day has passed.

…Hellena Scarlatina…



If you want to know what the full story is, I've completed one part of the five, the one simply entitled 'Tokyo Battalions'. The one before it "Tokyo Battalions: 1939" will only be revealed after the storyline hits "Revenge", as it contains mostly answers to the puzzle, so don't worry about being lost and such.

http://www.fictionpress.com/~outlaw02

The First story is actually two of them, one being the main, another as a helper, or distorter.

Tokyo Battalions (Main story)
http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2242602/1/

Shattered Entity (Helper/Distorter) [The seriousness of the insensitivity of the story will mellow down when it hits around the 10th chapter, so hold on tight here.]
http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2252285/1/

If I had went off-topic in terms of what I just typed in, then I apologise. And no, I'm not promoting my story or sorts, it's just that the poem is linked to the story I've been writing since mid-2006. No matter, thank you if you had taken the trouble to read through what I've just said. God, am I long-winded or what?
 
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