Pako
Staff Emeritus
- 16,455
- NW Montana
- GTP-Pako
- GTP Pako
THOU SHALT NOT SKIM FLAVOR FROM THE HOLIDAYS
---------------------------------------------
By Craig Wilson, USA TODAY
I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism
and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the
food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual
tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10
pounds. You can't pick up a magazine without finding a list
of holiday eating do's and don'ts. Eliminate second helpings,
high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say.
Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say. Good grief. Is your
favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didn't
think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something you left
for Rudolph. I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I
assure you, if you follow them, you'll be fat and happy. So what
if you don't make it to New Year's? Your pants won't fit anymore,
anyway.
1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots
on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit.
In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where
they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine
single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than
single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but
now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every
sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an egg-nogaholic
or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two.
It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point
of gravy. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes.
Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim
milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like
buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to
control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas
party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
Remember college?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.
This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the
buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of
eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before
becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of
shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them
again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each.
Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin.
Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one
dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean,
have some standards, mate.
10. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave
the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying
attention. Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! cookie-less January
is just around the corner.
---------------------------------------------
By Craig Wilson, USA TODAY
I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism
and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the
food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual
tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10
pounds. You can't pick up a magazine without finding a list
of holiday eating do's and don'ts. Eliminate second helpings,
high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say.
Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say. Good grief. Is your
favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didn't
think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something you left
for Rudolph. I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I
assure you, if you follow them, you'll be fat and happy. So what
if you don't make it to New Year's? Your pants won't fit anymore,
anyway.
1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots
on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit.
In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where
they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine
single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than
single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but
now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every
sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an egg-nogaholic
or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two.
It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point
of gravy. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes.
Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim
milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like
buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to
control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas
party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
Remember college?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.
This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the
buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of
eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before
becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of
shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them
again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each.
Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin.
Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one
dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean,
have some standards, mate.
10. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave
the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying
attention. Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! cookie-less January
is just around the corner.
