What would you do if you were in this position?

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wee_man

wee_man

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****'s just hit the fan. What I need hlep on I would usually consult close freinds but pretty much most of my mates have gone on holiday and the one's left I can't really count on their opinion. I wouldn't do this but I need advice. Chirst my hands are shaking whilst I type. Rigth, I've just found out that my dad's having an affair. I was suspicious of this for a month now but never really took it seriously. But I just found some e-mails which weren't just freindly adult talk, but a hell of a lot worse. I can't believe it what a ******* B******!!!!He's been lying to my mum sooo badly saying he''s been going to ****ing folk clubs!!!!:irked: :mad: . **** **** ****... Also my mum and dad have just bough a house in france in both of their names and mum's over there at the moment whilst my dad is over here with me. No ****ing wonder he's been going out so much. What do I do. Should I just leave it????
Should I confront my dad????
Should I ring and tell my mum or sister????
Should I ring the person he's been having the affair with????
As you might tell I'm writing what I'm thinking. My minds gone to hell...:banghead:
AAAGHGHAHA!!!!
I'm sooooo ****ing confused.
As I said I wouldn't of written here but this the only real place at the moment I can talk to.
If any of you lot have any advice I'd apreciate any of it and help. I'm sooo confused right now. I don't know what to think.
P.s. I appologise for the swearing but I'm just sooo mad at the moment.
Thanks
 
oh ****, damn talk about family problems...
i probaly would confront my dad and have a long talk with him and let him know what i think. i never been in that kinda situation before so i can't be much help
 
Thanks for the reply and help any way. I just feel my worlds been fliped up side down. I read your thread you posted and I feel sorry fro yo man. I'm sorry for your heart ache at the mo (well I'd imagine you'd have heart ache)...
Plus what you suggested is what I was thinking about. But I don't know I can even confront him now let alone talk to hime or look at him...
 
Maybe your mom is in France getting some of her own. I don't mean that to be funny, but just maybe they have an agreement to see other people.

I'm not sure how old you are, but sometimes couples just get tired of each other and want to be with other people. It doesn't mean they are bad.

Maybe you are too young to understand, and they don't need you to know everything about their lives. Do they know everything about yours?

Just let your dad know that you know what he has doing, and you are upset. But if it is a secret from your mom, you should not say anything at all. Tell your dad he must explain it to your mom, because it is painful for you to know and not tell her, but don't push him to do it. It might strain your relationship with your dad for the rest of your lives.

Good luck.:
 
Thanks Solid.
I'm 16 and my parents were close to breaking up a year ago. And they promised to each other they'd make it work. I understand they can get tired of each other and split as they're of course two individuals. The thing that gets me is that my mum has tried to make their relationship work and it turns out that my dad has really been cheating.
The main reason why I'm angry is the fact that my mum doesn't drive. So she really can't get out that well and relies on my dad as most of the family freinds we do have are a long way away. To be quite honest not many freinds if at all none. My dad really if he didn't want to make it a big secret which he has (one of my initial ideas which I thought that he might be up to something was when he started taking tones of phone calls privatly) said he was going to meet freinds and folk club when I've pieced it together to realise he was seeing this lady. Basically my mum's life is dad and my dads life is this other lady. You know I've found out that last year he took this lady to America for a week for a holiday. He took lots of time off work for here Yet he said to us that he couldn't take time off work for a holiday. Our family didn't go away on holiday last year because of here. As stupid as that sounds and as little thing as it sounds that means a big thing!!!
My mum's favourite kind of thing she looks foward to each year is going away on holiday. He's been a lying b*stard!!! I thought I was going crazy and paranoid but I found 4 emails about an hour a go which prove I am certainly not.
You know he actually said in one (she has two kids by the way) email that he wished he could have her family and be the father of her family. As it probably would of been a better family than he has at the moment. Basically better than me my sister and my mum!!!
I would understand it if he didn't love mum. But what he said about the family just hurts!!!!
You know I have actually gotten to the stage with what I've read that I don't think I could love my dad anymore or ever again. I won't even go downstairs at the moment because he's down there. I'm going to porbably go for a walk and really think this one over.

It isn't because I understand it's because he's lied about sooooo many things.
 
Ouch. Sounds like things are getting more complicated. Finding out what he said about you must really hurt you.

What ever you do about it though, don't keep it bottled inside of you. Let it out by confronting your dad about it in a quiet manner. Ask him a bunch of questions that you might be thinking about. Start writing them down and practice saying them over and over again so you don't forget anything. Knowing all the answers at once will help with the healing process.

It will let you know how he feels. Remember, he might seem like the world's biggest asshole right now, but he has his own feelings about the situation, and respect them or not, you can't change the way he feels so don't even try, but do demand why he feels the way he does.

I don't know what else to say to you. But if he does say something nasty, tell hem to go to hell and NEVER look back!

I wish you the best of luck.
 
Confront your dad and tell him you know and you want him to stop. say if you dont stop you will tell mom. if you go strait to mom things could get messy so give dad a talk then watch him.


good luck man, i hope everything works out good
 
Originally posted by Squid
Confront your dad and tell him you know and you want him to stop. say if you dont stop you will tell mom. if you go strait to mom things could get messy so give dad a talk then watch him.


good luck man, i hope everything works out good
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WRONG! Do NOT threaten him you will tell your mom if he doesn't! This WILL come back to bite you on the ass!

Just insist he tells her because it causes you soo much grief to not tell her what you know about your dad's cheating. If he gives a damn about you, he will tell her in time. But do give him some time to do it.
 
I'm in a very similar situation. I've actually met the woman in question!

When trying to decide whether to confront your Dad, you need to think about the future. Don't think about now, and how you feel now, but think about how things could go, and what the future may hold. Think about how your Dad is likely to react. I would hazard a guess that he's unlikely to say "Yeah, you're right, another beer son?"

Also, you say you read e-mails that prove he's having an affair. If you came to see these e-mails through snooping, the chances are he's going to turn the whole thing around on you.

You need to tread carefully, but in the short term I think you should make sure that you have a good relationship with your Mum. If it kicks off, you're going to need each other.
 
I am sorry, but can you say how do you know he is cheating?, by emails? Is the reason on that big paragraph?, and also, it wouldnt be a good idea to confront your father, not even go with the rumor to your mother. Just let them know it by themselves. It would be really bad, to tell your mother and then she tells it to your father, or you tell it to your father, and he sends you to hell saying that is not your business, and that.
 
Originally posted by GilesGuthrie
If you came to see these e-mails through snooping, the chances are he's going to turn the whole thing around on you.
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Pffft. I don't see how that could happen. A 9 year old could get themselves out of a situation like that. All you would have to do is bring up the obvious that cheating on your wife is far worse than reading someone else's e-mails.

My Dad started cheating on my mom when I was 12. I didn't find out until I was 13. We went hunting, and he stopped at a gas station to use a pay phone to call my mom, or so he said. I wondered why he would use a pay phone when he had his cell phone with him, and when we got home later I asked my mom if he had called her at all, and she said no. It was then that I knew something was definitely up. I, too, read some of his e-mails, and saw some pretty "strange" e-mails to a certain female - a certain female who he had introduced us all to a year or so beforehand at a hotel his AF squadron was staying at. He didn't introduce her like, "Hey, I'm having an affair with this woman." He just introduced her because she worked with him. Anyhoo, I told my mom everything I knew, and she confronted him, and about 2 months later my Dad told me they were getting divorced, and about a month after that we packed up our stuff, and left him. It's been pretty weird since. I've moved between them like 3 times, he married that Laura girl he had an affair with, they got divorced, and now my Dad & Mom are best friends, and are getting back together soon. So, for the most part, it's all worked out.

I think if you know for sure that your Dad is cheating on your Mom you owe it to her to tell her. I couldn't, and didn't, keep something like that from my own Mom.

*Note: Story may not be 100% correct. I'm an idiot, and tend to forget details.:p*
 
Ouch. I'm very sorry to hear about your position. I, myself have been going through some very hard times at home, but not much can compare to this one. The best thing to do in this situation is to keep a cool head and do as Giles said, think ahead.

Do not threaten or blackmail, it will only make things worse and it makes you seem just as much as a jerk as he is. Me, being the hot headed person I am, would have punched him regardless of him being my father, especially if your family relys on him to that extent and if he would rather ditch you and your sis for the other family. My parents always fought and most of the times it was my sis and I alone. She usually helped me through the tough times. Make sure that when everyone finds out, make sure to be there for your sister, because it'll probably be just as painful to her. My heart really goes out to you man.

OA
 
Originally posted by Josh
Pffft. I don't see how that could happen. A 9 year old could get themselves out of a situation like that. All you would have to do is bring up the obvious that cheating on your wife is far worse than reading someone else's e-mails.
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Ooh - I can. Seen it happen - people, when cornered, become desperate and reach for anything to divert focus away from the key point - particularly when the one accused is an authority figure and has done something indefensible. The situation's going to be emotion charged as it is - bringing a threat to the accused into it is only going to worsen it.

I would also recommend treading very carefully. You don't know the circumstances around the current events, although it certainly doesn't sound too positive for the future. You might want to sit down with your father and ask him what the future holds for the family, and the marriage, without dropping the bombshell just yet.
 
Originally posted by vat_man
Ooh - I can. Seen it happen - people, when cornered, become desperate and reach for anything to divert focus away from the key point - particularly when the one accused is an authority figure and has done something indefensible.
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I wouldn't worry about that. He's going to accuse you of reading his e-mails which, if you've confronted either of your parents, you've already admitted to doing.:confused: What's he going to do, ground him for reading them?! Picture it - wee_man, wee_man's Dad, and wee_man's mom are all sitting in their living room, and wee_man says, "I need to say something. I was reading through Dad's e-mails, and discovered he's cheating on you, mom." Even if his Dad starts saying stuff like, "You were reading my e-mails?! How dare you, blah blah blah..." Do you really think it's going to matter? I seriously doubt his mom's going to have her attention diverted from her husband's acts of adultery to her son's e-mail snooping adventures. His mom probably won't even care about the reading of the e-mails - she'll be focused on the more important thing at hand.

If I were you I would print a copy of each incriminating e-mail just incase he tries to lie about it.
 
His mother and sister are away at the moment - I was talking about a one-on-one scenario.

I genuinely think directly accusing him with the e-mails has the potential to make an already bad situation extremely worse. I would certainly recommend printing copies of the e-mails for future reference.
 
Do this.

Ask him if he loves your mother. And if he wants to stay with her. And tell him to Tell the truth. If he asks, why? Tell him, because it has began to go on your mind. And you want to hear the truth.
 
god. that is quite sad to hear. im really sorry for all of you man. now, for an advice, I think that you SHOULD confront your father and tell him what you know, the WAY YOU FEEL. yeah, scream at him... you have all the right in the world. yeah, you have been snoopin' trough his emails... so what? he's been cheating woth your mom. whatever you do, just remember that you are on the side that is correct. you should defend that everytime, and remember it to your father. dont tell me that he is on the right side??? but you are and you have ALL the right to defend it, and to, if I may call it some way- atack your father with that. after all, you also have ALL THE ****ING RIGHT to be really furious at your dad. you really should let him know what you think and how you feel, and I think you should try to make him confess everything to your mom when she gets back. otherwise, you MUST tell your mom everything. its not correct nor fair not only for your mom, but for the whole family, that your father's been doing this. yeah, it will be a HARD and PAINFULL situation, but I dont think you prefer to keep things as they are now.
I really wish you and your family the best of luck going trough this. and I think I speak for everyone here at GTP when I say that we will do whatever possible to help you.

Cano

also, I think that you should make copies of those e-mails.
 
Well I want to thank everyone whoose responded. It's certainly helped me to think a lot striaghter and some respects helped to get to grasps of the situation a lot better. After posting this topic I went to the park to walk the og with my dad. I couldn't even look at him. He knew something was up and asked me on several occasions why I was so down. I just told him I was tired and carried on. After that I went out and had a couple of drinks and nearly blew the whole situation, but managed to sober up in time.
So I've come to the decision taking good note of every post here that I'm going to talk to him this morning. I've made copies of the emails but I couldn't print them out because my printers bust so I saved them to disk. I'm going to talk to him tonight about it. Then afterwards whatever may happen I'm going to use snoopies idea of ringing up the lady and giving her hell. Just "congratulate her".
I thought hard about what's going to happen in the next couple of months and years and know what will happen and I won't like it. But it's for the best probably.
Also maybe I forgot to mention this but he has also been "working late" as well and I've caught him have several private phone calls and heard tiny bits of the convo's he had. Like
I want to try and see more of you...
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So.....
Though it looks like he's maybe split up from this lady know, because from what I gather he's caught her with another bloke. So he's tryin to jump ship again back to us. But he's not comming back here.
I want to thank everyone again because it's been a great help.
I told the situation to some mates last night and they didn't take it seriously one bit. So reading these has certainly helped. Well I'm going to the beach this morning and then I'm back to talk to my dad. So I'll let you all know how it goes. Thanks
TC
 
Well I spoke to him (like anyone cares but worth an extra post anyway). And hell broke loose. After two hours it turned out the affair was a year ago except the telephone conversation was him thinking it might work again. But when my mum and dad actually bought the house he realised the affair was the most stupid thing he's done ever and he loved my mum more than ever hence him suggesting buying the house. He managed to prove to me in the end that the affair was from a year ago (the emails only said month and date not year- i needed to click on somthing else to get the year up which he did).
He pointerd out in the end though that if I were to make a fuss of this it will prbably create divorce and hell which wasn't neccesary now considering there realtioship was back on. So...
There was a lot more as well but too much to say.
To be honest I still don't trust him and feel like a sap.
He also had a go at me for being nosy, which I shot him down for.
 
Well I spoke to him (like anyone cares but worth an extra post anyway). And hell broke loose. After two hours it turned out the affair was a year ago except the telephone conversation was him thinking it might work again. But when my mum and dad actually bought the house he realised the affair was the most stupid thing he's done ever and he loved my mum more than ever hence him suggesting buying the house. He managed to prove to me in the end that the affair was from a year ago (the emails only said month and date not year- i needed to click on somthing else to get the year up which he did).
He pointerd out in the end though that if I were to make a fuss of this it will prbably create divorce and hell which wasn't neccesary now considering there realtioship was back on. So...
There was a lot more as well but too much to say.
To be honest I still don't trust him and feel like a sap.
He also had a go at me for being nosy, which I shot him down for.
Thanks again for the help
W_M
 
I certainly care. I wish I had found this thread earlier, so I could've offered you my moral support.

As morbid as it sounds, you need to be vigilant now -- don't blindly trust him just because he says it's over. I mean, don't be paranoid and *look* for things that would only faintly (and falsely) suggest an affair -- but if you start to see the same signs you once saw again, you owe it to your mother to tell her.

Honesty is lacking in their relationship if he had that affair and didn't tell her -- she doesn't deserve to be lied to.
 
To be honest Honda Kid that's what's going through my mind right now. I really don't trust him. And as you suggested I'm still going to be vigilant.
Thing is I'm torn. It's unfair for me to keep the secret from my mum. But on the other hand if I do be honest it could create a worser life than what would be achieved from not telling her. I fell stuck in the middle.
BTW the fact that you responded to this thread (as stupid as this sounds) is much appreciated. Thanks

W00tness if want to get something off your chest then I'm sure the rest of us could help you or whatever. So if you're up for it be our guest.
 
Originally posted by wee_man
Well I spoke to him (like anyone cares but worth an extra post anyway)....
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wee_man, I think a lot of people here care - you're caught in a crappy situation not of your own making, which is unfair.

Hope it works out for you, dude. It seems a bit more hopeful, and I'm glad your old man didn't react too strongly to you reading his e-mails.

This might have sent a strong message to him, namely that you find his cheating intolerable, and that you're suspicious of him. It might help in 'keeping him honest'.

I would recommend continuing to talk about your fears for the family unit with your father - probably best to skirt around the cheating issue - and see if you can get across to him how upsetting you find it, and how worried you are about your mother. Guilt can be a powerful thing!
 
I just thought it was kinda odd me posting this but i was kinda, very weird yesterday as I explained. But that's what I'm hoping if he is still having the affair hopefull the fact I spoke to him will put him off and finish it.
Thanks
BTW is there any chance a mod could change the name of this thread to something more appropriate. I was in a rush to just post this thread and so gave it this name. Something like I don't know....."What would you do if you were in this position?"
Much appreciated.
Tom
 
WM, it was the least I could do. I've subscribed to this thread, and I'd like you to know that I'm *always* available on the IM networks in case you need someone to talk to.

Things will turn out as they were cosmically intended to...
 
Well I'm not to sure I like the way things are cosmically intending to work out but I'll go with it.
I forgot if I said this but I asked some freinds opinions on it and got some really stupid answeres from them. one of them actually laughed and I nearly fully on hit her in the face:mad: . I know she's a girl but....**** happens or as you would say cosmically intend to happen :p .
Thanks again.
WM
 
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