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- GTP_Duke
Dan, I sympathize with your situation and hope it works out for you both. Do what you need to do, of course, but I will say that I have seen people consumed by the desire to have kids simply because it is denied them. You do not seem the type to be ruled by eternal pining for the unobtainable, and I assume Mrs. Off is of a similar mindset, so I have no doubt you will get past it. But please know that you have my thoughts and also my reassurance that it may be a disappointment but it is not the end of the world. Which of course sounds condescending as crap, but I trust you recognize the spirit.
Agreed. With a kid you can't afford to be entirely spontaneous and self-indulgent like you can when you're single or just a couple. But if you're adult enough to have kids in the first place, that's not the end of the world.
I know plenty of people who waited until they had everything prepared fiscally - house, good career, etc. in line before having kids. They expected to be perfect parents. Then they found that in their mid-30s they were completely unable to deal with the monstrous disruption that having a child made in their perfect lives. They ended up not being so perfect after all, and sometimes the kid suffers for that.
And of course there are sacrifices. We've been on a grand total of 2 real vacations in the last 15 years, both of which included the kids. We've had a very few short getaways (1 or 2 days) without the girls. But their need for constant attention and care steadily decreases over time, and you get over it.
But some of us do have baby geniuses.
I remember early in my first kid's kindergarten career when we had a parents day in class. The teacher asked (obviously directed at the parents) if anybody wanted to read a book out loud. I got a huge amount of smug self-satisfaction from the dropped jaws when my 5-year-old daughter blithely shot her hand up to volunteer, then proceeded to read through a Golden Book for the benefit of the class. It's the little stuff like that which makes putting up with your own kids well worth it (and diffuses other people's criticisms).
Of course, years later, she still balances her supernatural intelligence (having missed a total of 80 points combined on all 3 sections of the SATs) by remaining utterly devoid of common sense, even by 17-year-old standards.
And this is the real cost of parenting, not the money. It's tough if you want to / have to go it without much family support. I know plenty of couples who have close-by family to take their kids all the time, but we weren't in that situation and not willing to impose on our own parents that much anyway. So we have had rough patches and long emotional and physical dry spells because there simply wasn't time or energy to do otherwise. But we've been able to cope and continue to mature and improve our relationship.
Casio, all of this is utterly true and exceptionally strong advice. I had my first kid at 27 and my second at 31. Late by some standards and early by others. But I think it was a good time - late enough to be somewhat settled and able to plan, but not so late as to be inflexible and unable to adapt. You will never be entirely ready for it, so waiting too long is pointless and creates other problems.
The hardest thing to cope with is the realization that you are never off-duty. Ever.
If you expect your children to grow up as worthwhile human beings, you need to accommodate that disruption and make it your primary focus, as SRinc. among others mentions above. A child does not completely prevent you from having a life (well, after a few years, anyway) and in fact to some extent you need to teach the child to adapt to changing situations and new experiences. But while doing so you need to pay close attention to the child and recognize when enough is enough and it's time to go home BEFORE it becomes an issue. That means you have to miss out on stuff sometimes. You're the adult - you're supposed to be able to deal with that.
Nothing pisses me off more than to see a father ignoring his misbehaving kids in a restaurant because he's watching the game on the big screen while he finishes his beer and burger, or a mother standing around with a crying kid while she yaks on her cell phone.
As the posts I've quoted above all so ably demonstrate, it is not the money that is a real issue, though children can be expensive even without unfortunate issues like TB is overcoming. For what we have paid in daycare for 2 kids, we could have afforded to renovate our kitchen and I could probably have a modest track toy... and both my kids were public schooled to boot. I'm looking at college next fall and it has taken some planning to make that a possibility. Add in braces, healthcare, a used car or 2, and it adds up to a tidy sum indeed. But would anything else have been better to spend the money on? Not really.
Agreed. With a kid you can't afford to be entirely spontaneous and self-indulgent like you can when you're single or just a couple. But if you're adult enough to have kids in the first place, that's not the end of the world.
I know plenty of people who waited until they had everything prepared fiscally - house, good career, etc. in line before having kids. They expected to be perfect parents. Then they found that in their mid-30s they were completely unable to deal with the monstrous disruption that having a child made in their perfect lives. They ended up not being so perfect after all, and sometimes the kid suffers for that.
And of course there are sacrifices. We've been on a grand total of 2 real vacations in the last 15 years, both of which included the kids. We've had a very few short getaways (1 or 2 days) without the girls. But their need for constant attention and care steadily decreases over time, and you get over it.
But some of us do have baby geniuses.
I remember early in my first kid's kindergarten career when we had a parents day in class. The teacher asked (obviously directed at the parents) if anybody wanted to read a book out loud. I got a huge amount of smug self-satisfaction from the dropped jaws when my 5-year-old daughter blithely shot her hand up to volunteer, then proceeded to read through a Golden Book for the benefit of the class. It's the little stuff like that which makes putting up with your own kids well worth it (and diffuses other people's criticisms).Of course, years later, she still balances her supernatural intelligence (having missed a total of 80 points combined on all 3 sections of the SATs) by remaining utterly devoid of common sense, even by 17-year-old standards.
And this is the real cost of parenting, not the money. It's tough if you want to / have to go it without much family support. I know plenty of couples who have close-by family to take their kids all the time, but we weren't in that situation and not willing to impose on our own parents that much anyway. So we have had rough patches and long emotional and physical dry spells because there simply wasn't time or energy to do otherwise. But we've been able to cope and continue to mature and improve our relationship.
Casio, all of this is utterly true and exceptionally strong advice. I had my first kid at 27 and my second at 31. Late by some standards and early by others. But I think it was a good time - late enough to be somewhat settled and able to plan, but not so late as to be inflexible and unable to adapt. You will never be entirely ready for it, so waiting too long is pointless and creates other problems.
The hardest thing to cope with is the realization that you are never off-duty. Ever.
If you expect your children to grow up as worthwhile human beings, you need to accommodate that disruption and make it your primary focus, as SRinc. among others mentions above. A child does not completely prevent you from having a life (well, after a few years, anyway) and in fact to some extent you need to teach the child to adapt to changing situations and new experiences. But while doing so you need to pay close attention to the child and recognize when enough is enough and it's time to go home BEFORE it becomes an issue. That means you have to miss out on stuff sometimes. You're the adult - you're supposed to be able to deal with that.
Nothing pisses me off more than to see a father ignoring his misbehaving kids in a restaurant because he's watching the game on the big screen while he finishes his beer and burger, or a mother standing around with a crying kid while she yaks on her cell phone.
As the posts I've quoted above all so ably demonstrate, it is not the money that is a real issue, though children can be expensive even without unfortunate issues like TB is overcoming. For what we have paid in daycare for 2 kids, we could have afforded to renovate our kitchen and I could probably have a modest track toy... and both my kids were public schooled to boot. I'm looking at college next fall and it has taken some planning to make that a possibility. Add in braces, healthcare, a used car or 2, and it adds up to a tidy sum indeed. But would anything else have been better to spend the money on? Not really.
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