Any Car for your Joke!! (CLOSED)

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I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said:
Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk.
But whenever I break wind the room smells lovely.
:dopey:
 
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I went into the pharmacy and asked for a new deodorant. She asked, "Is it the ball or the aerosol type?"

I said, "Neither, its for under my arms!"
 
a man was in his car with his girlfriend.
the man said: will you take off your clothes if I do 100 mph?
girlfriend:okay
the man drove quicker and his gf. started to strip. the man couldn't keep his eyes of his gf's body and had a car crash.
the car rolled over and was a bit crushed.
man: go to the next petrol station for help!
gf: but I'm naked!
the man gave his girlfriend one of his shoes and said: cover your crotch with this..
the gf ran to the next station. when she got there the old lady at the till looked at gf quite weird because she was naked.
gf: help!! we've had a car crash about a quater mile away!
old lady: I'm sorry but he's too far in....
 
Just 1 major joke for you!

You dont need a parachute to skydive, you only need one if you want to skydive twise :)

Psn: i_Will_sur5_
 
So a ham sandwich walks into a bar,...
bartender says,
'excuse me sir, we don't serve food here'.
 
Patient: Doctor Doctor I keep having visions of the future!

Doctor: When did these visions start?

Patient: A week next Tuesday
 
there was a dad and two kids then they saw a genie and said "if you slide on this slide and say who you'll want to be you will be that person". Then the first kid said "tom cruise " . The next kid said " A ROCKSTAR!" then the dad was going up the slide and slipped and said oh $#!@ then he became a piece of $#!@
 
(Read this one aloud) So a man walks into a bar. He sits down, and orders a drink. While the bartender gets his drink, another man walks into the bar, sits down and pulls a man a foot tall out of his pocket. He then pulls out a tiny piano, places it in front of the little man, and watches him as he begins to play. "Wow", says the man at the bar, "Wher did you meet that little guy?" "Oh, a genie was sitting down the street, giving out wishes." "That's amazing, I'm gonna go see him." The man leaves the bar, heads down the street, and sure enough, theres a genie there. "Hey, are you a genie?"
"Yep."
"Okay, well I wish for a million bucks."
Suddenly, tons of ducks fall out of the sky, beating this man senseless. He runs back to the bar, and sprints up to the man with the foot tall piano player.
"What was that? That genie screwed up my wish!"
The man looks at him for a bit, and says, "You really thought I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"

Sorry for the long one :boggled:
 
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that idiot on your knee!"

No offense blondes... :)
 
Whats the difference between being kinky and being perverted?

Kinky you use the feather, Perverted you use the whole damn bird.
 
A house and some homework have a conversation....

"Hey homes.."

"Hey essai"
 
Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems. Finally, the other man said: "You think you have problems? Listen to my situation. A few years ago i met a young widow with a grown-up daughter. We got married and I got myself a step-daughter. Later, my father married my step-daughter. That made my step-daughter my step-mother, and my father became my step-son. Also my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law. Much later, the daughter of my wife, my step-mother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son. But he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grandson. That made me the grand-father of my half-brother. This was nothing until my wife and I had a baby. Now the half-sister of my son, my step-mother, is also the grandmother. This makes my father, the brother-in-law of my child, whose step-sister is my father's wife. I am my step-mother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew AND I AM MY OWN GRANDFATHER....AND YOU THINK YOU HAVE PROBLEMS?????!!!!"
THIS IS 🤬 HILARIOUS!!! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAAHHA :lol: :lol: :lol :lol: :cheers:
 
I went to Cash Converters today trying to raise a bit of much needed cash. I got a great deal, they gave me £955 and they never even took my gun.
 
How many women does it take to change a light bulb? None, the 🤬 can cook in the dark!
 
Some great jokes in here so far :lol:

With PSN looking like its down till at least the 3rd of May there is still plenty of time to get involved :)
 
Theres a new show starting soon on MTV called Teen Wolf. Too bad Michael J. Fox cant hold onto the remote long enough to tune in and watch.....
 
Alright here goes
So three hunters are hunting in the forest
they get captured by some cannibals and the cannibals tell them that they need to do 2 tasks. If the hunters each do the tasks the cannibals will let each of them go.
"Your first task is to go into the jungle and get ten of your favorite fruit."
all of the hunters rejoice at this task because it is so easy.
The first hunter comes back with 10 apples.
so the cannibals tell him "alright, now you have to stick them up your butt and show no emotion at all"
the hunter cringes but continues so he can live
on the 2nd one he begins to cry, so the cannibals eat him, and he goes up to heaven.
Then the second hunter gets back to the cannibals and he has 10 blueberries.
again the cannibals tell him the task
and again the hunter cringes but continues so he can live.
He gets to the 9th one and then he begins to laugh.
so the cannibals eat him too.
when he gets up to heaven the first hunter says to him "WHY DID YOU LAUGH???"
and the second hunter says" yeah.. i saw the next hunter coming up with pineapples"
 
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
Virgin Mobile.

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
Because when she gets to 69 she has a frog in her throat.

What's the difference between a Ford Escort and a BMW 325i?
Princes Diana wouldn't be caught dead in a Ford Escort.

How does every racist joke start?
*looks both ways, left and right*

Can Hear Every Valve, Rod Or Lifter Every Time
First On Race Day; (F'n Okies Really Dig 'em)
Loads Of Trouble, Usually Serious

What do you tell a woman that has two black eyes?
Nothing. She's been told twice already.

What's the difference between a Porsche and a pile of dead prostitutes?
I don't have a Porsche in my garage.

A man suspects his wife is cheating on him, so late one night, he hides in the garage to see what happens when she gets home.
About an hour later, as he waits behind his car, the garage door lifts to reveal a young man dropping off his wife.
As the young man and his wife exchange words, the man is shocked at what he sees...

His rear camber is off by 3 degrees.
 
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Here goes.

My car broke down today,as I was pushing off to the side of the road a guy stops and asks me if my car broke down to which i replied:nope its such a nice day that i decided i wanted to take my car for a walk.
 
Okey i like this one:
You dont need a parasuite to skydive once, you only need one to skydive twice!
LoL
 
Royal Wedding joke ftw ;)

It took a while for him to get the ring on Kate's finger.

Never mind, I'm sure after tonight her ring won't be so tight
 
There's two fish in a Tank.

One turns to the other and says "How do you drive this thing?".
 
1. type on google i'm feeling lucky option : find chuck norris

2. same thing on google: i can read wikipedia. then click i'm feeling lucky, now this one i really dont understand and could be offensive.
 
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