Any Car for your Joke!! (CLOSED)

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toymdngn
Beware of this scam.

RIPPED OFF ON E-BAY

Spent $50 on E-bay for a penis enlarger.

Bastard sent me a magnifying glass..

Love this one !
 
I was working in Tesco when I kept hearing "unexpected item in bagging area". So I walked over, scanned the salad, and let Adele continue with her purchase.
 
"Andre Vandapole has four silver medals in cyclocross, and none of them gold." - Phil Liggott, Channel 4 TV

:dunce::lol:
 
When Jane was getting to know Tarzan she asked him about his sexual history "Tarzan only ever had sex with hole in tree" she said "oh Tarzan u have it all wrong,i'll show you the proper way" so Jane takes off her clothes,lies in the ground and says "you got to stick it in here".Tarzan looked puzzled for a moment then gave Jane a mighty kick in the 🤬.Screaming Jane says "what the 🤬 did you do that for?" "Tarzan check for bees first".
 
Having a smoke outside the pub last night and this 🤬 in a wheelchair said to me "why do you smoke when you don't need to?" I looked at him and asked "why the 🤬 are you wearing shoes?".
 
Nearly 🤬 myself on the plane yesterday,🤬 muslim started to shout 'allah,allah,allah,allah,allava large coke please.Stuttering paki bastard!
 
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Old lady in a lift in a shopping mall when 2 footballers wives enter,the door closes and one wife raises her wrist to the other wife and says "Chanel No.5,£35,Selfridges" the other wife does the same and says "Gucci,£65,Harrods" the old lady lifts one leg,rips a fart and says "Sprouts,99p,Asda".
 
All this sales shopping lark is doing my head in: went to Boots but they don't sell boots.Went to Currys but they don't sell curry.Went to Selfridges but they don't sell fridges.And that Virgin Megastore...what a 🤬 let down that was...
 
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
 
A young Arab asks his father:-What is this weird hat that we are wearing? Father-Why,it's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects us from the sun! -And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing? Father-It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body! -And what are these ugly shoes we have on our feet? Father-These are "babouches" which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert! -Tell me papa? -Yes my son? -Then,why are we living in 🤬 Oldham?
 
LOL Not sure if this is true but still funny :)

On a packet of Sunmaid Raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVORITE
BREAKFAST CEREAL?
 
You know you're from Ontario when...

1.Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
2."Vacation" means going to Barrie/area for the weekend.
3.You measure distance in hours.
4.You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
5.Your grandparents drive at 65 mph through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
6.You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
7.There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at the Canadian Tire store at any given time.
8.You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
9.Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
10.You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, construction.
 
you know you're from ontario when...

1.your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
2."vacation" means going to barrie/area for the weekend.
3.you measure distance in hours.
4.you often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same day.
5.your grandparents drive at 65 mph through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
6.you install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
7.there are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at the canadian tire store at any given time.
8.you design your kid's halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
9.driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
10.you know all 4 seasons: Almost winter, winter, still winter, construction.
lol
 
A man and his wife are watching Dr Phil.They are talking about relationship issues. The man looks at his wife and says "There is nothing you can say to me that will piss me off and make me happy at the same time" She looks at him and says " Out of all of your friends, You have the biggest penis" :ouch:
 
chevy_freak
A man and his wife are watching Dr Phil.They are talking about relationship issues. The man looks at his wife and says "There is nothing you can say to me that will piss me off and make me happy at the same time" She looks at him and says " Out of all of your friends, You have the biggest penis" :ouch:

Lol
 
A man goes to visit his elderly father who just moved into a Care home for the first time, he asks ''How are you finding it dad?''.
''Wonderful son, absolutely brilliant! This hot young nurse was giving me a bed bath when I accidentily got an erection for the first time in 5 years. It was really embarrassing, but as soon as she saw it, I couldn't beleive it - she jumped on the bed, pulled down my trousers and screwed my brains out!"
2 days later the man goes back to visit his Dad.
''Things still going well?" He asks.
''No they are not!" He said, with an anguished look on his face. "I fell over this morning and ended up on all fours. The gay male nurse saw this and bummed me to within an inch of my life:"
"Well you have to take the rough with the smooth dad. You had that hot young nurse didn't you?".
''That's fair enough son, but I get an erection once every 5 years, I fall over 4 times a day"....

All other jokes I know are just to explicit for this forum. Oldie, but goldie:

What do you call a Dinosaur with no eyes?
DOYOUTHINKHE-SAURUS

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh
 
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isocollector
OMG and this isn't SPAM LOL

SpamCan.jpg
 
Ok heres mine. Your mums so fat not even V-TEC could help carry hear.
 
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