I guess I'll share a tl;dr version of what's gone on this year.
To start off with the basics, I've long suffered with depression - or at least shown signs of it - although I've never actually spoken to any professional about it. I've learned of ways to cope with it and combat it to at least some degree over the past couple of years.
My depression stems largely from a lot of medical issues I've had since I was a small child, and the general feeling of being in pain most days. Being bullied from an early age also had a big impact on me, and I've never actually been able to make real friends with anyone. I'm a very affectionate person who relies on physical and emotional comfort, and I still struggle with that today, probably more than ever - especially after accepting the fact that I'm homoromantic (with the odd gay tendencies from time to time, but I wouldn't class myself as gay). I've made countless close relationships with people across the internet who have given me hope in life, and I can safely say I wouldn't be here without them. I may still have the odd suicidal night, but it's nothing like what I've felt in the past. A fair few of these people are GTP members (they know who they are), and they form the basis of my whole life. They are my family.
I typically only form relationships with foreign people. I don't know what it is, or why it is, but I find it much easier to form meaningful bonds with other Europeans/Americans etc. I love the idea of multiculturalism, and I enjoy learning from other societies - I strongly dislike the British culture regarding male/male relationships and affection, and I find it far easier to identify with young people in other societies. It's just who I am.
The big moment of this year, which shook my trust in everyone, and made me contemplate suicide for several weeks, was when one of my closest friends - someone I trusted with my life - a very well respected and famous young person (I won't name them, but a few people will know whom I'm referring to) - decided to cut all contacts with me for no apparent reason, and added insult to injury by manipulating several of our mutual friends by, presumably, making false allegations about me in order to cut their ties with me too. I lost several people who were very, very dear to me. It made me question who I could trust. For a few days, I was completely paranoid. I was lost.
Having an aim in life, having an interest and passion, and having a sport which I want to succeed in, helped me a lot. My interest in motorsport waned for a short while, which has never happened before. Having something to keep myself occupied, and having people to just love and share my issues with, has done an unspeakable amount for my well-being. There are some GTP members who have lived through some of my failed suicide attempts, and hopefully, they can back me up on how far I've come. It's far from over, and I will probably always struggle with depression in some form - but I have managed to make a big difference to my life. I really don't know how to approach things like LGBT relationships, or how to approach the future, and even come out to the wider world - can anyone offer any advice on how to keep my emotions in check during those things?
I feel perfectly fine saying this to everyone in here. I trust you all with this info.
. Though I know I am making this sound all easy but it isn't I know a lot of people struggle with this, hell I did when I first witnessed grief in my life.
