You know, when you say "just go to the gym" or "just exercise," that's assuming you can muster the courage and desire to do so. If you feel down and depressed, there aren't too many things you happily want to do. Exercise does help nonetheless.
I've felt guilty for taking depression naps lately. I feel plenty of times of wanting to go out an do things, especially getting some fresh air. But it feels like there's been so much negativity and crap to deal with in public that I've been hiding away for a month now. I'd like to go out and get some exercise and fresh air, but the prevalence of phone cameras and social media makes me more paranoid to go to a gym than it should be. (Being overly self conscious and one of my biggest fears is becoming "internet" famous for some stupid reason) Still hate the word "just" when people say "just do this" or "just do that" when it comes to the struggle.
Feels like a rather lengthy update I'll be...posting. Apologies for dumping this much.
Figured I'd so a sort of update as of late. My brother and I ended up getting a house together, but it was an hour north and a little over 50 miles commute one way to my now previous job. In some ways, I'm glad I quit my job as it was stressing me out and the pay/work felt low for the amount of effort I'd put in. It wasn't worth 100+ miles a day to commute for a job where my pay would only cover a fraction of the cost to commute, so I put in my notice. Wishing I was fired to get unemployment, but couldn't think of a way to do it without burning bridges. (Would have just stopped showing up, but most companies see that as quitting) Co-workers in my department were sad to see me go, but management didn't even offer me better pay or say goodbye. It was very much out of touch with the general manager who (on my last day) asked me how a wine and cheese place was in my hometown (that I was being priced out of with the rise in rent), while also refusing to join in and use the company card to pay for a sort of celebratory last lunch for me and the end of the year. That's just how cheap of the upper management is, especially saying they like my work, but couldn't even give me a raise when I asked for one. I honestly hated it there and in general, the automotive dealership industry in the United States is miserable.
It's been a little over a month now and I have not gotten a job since moving/quitting. Unfortunately for us Americans, our healthcare is basically dependent on having a full time job, at least to afford it. It's been rather peaceful caring only about settling into our new home and unpacking/organizing things, but of course I feel like a financial burden to my brother despite the fact that he's got a good paying job and I've got a decent amount of money saved up to last a while. Also the feeling of not being productive hasn't really helped my mental state with myself feeling useless. Despite only being a "young adult" (about to hit 30 years old in a couple days), I already feel burnt out on the whole 9-5PM grind that is most jobs, at least with my education/skill level. As an amateur photographer, I enjoy the more creative side and want to do something where it doesn't feel like it's the same thing every time. Unfortunately there's hardly anything lucrative in that, other than the things I refuse to do, such as weddings or people photos.
As I said with being tired of the work grind in society, especially with something as "simple" as commuting everyday. It drained my joy of driving with the aggression felt every morning/evening commuting to/from work. Also stated in one of my previous posts was about how much everyone is out for themselves and it gets tiring dealing with people tailgating, running red lights, and doing generally stupid things in cars to get where ever they're going quickly. The selfishness and "it's all about me me me!" mentality today makes me want nothing to do with the public.
Still have not found a new therapist, but without healthcare, it makes it a bit more difficult to do so now. Itching to be productive (at least with income and photography), especially as I haven't done my usual weekly photoshoots with the large change in life of moving farther away. Still can't help but feel that I have it well off with having an actual house instead of an apartment, or worse, being homeless (as I hear the growing numbers of people losing their living spaces with the rise in costs), but despite that positive, I still feel a bit hopeless. I know there's no easy solution to this struggle either that wouldn't take time and plenty of effort that I struggle to muster the strength to do anything. Funny how my last big post complained about not wanting to work anymore and here I am, a month later complaining about not working... Don't want to go back to a "normal" job at least, but still wanting to be productive and at least have some sort of income would help. Still have so much going on in my head, worrying about this or that, but I can't put my foot down and set a decent goal for myself without some stupid fear of failure.
For those who find it too much to read: Quit my job, got a house with my brother, been without work for a month, hiding away from the public and hardly leaving the house, still feeling depressed.