Falling in love...

[Danoff]

It doesn't say that you won't be in love after a year, it says that your chemistry changes for the first year that you're in love... big difference.

I think it could be true - but it doesn't necessarily spell trouble for relationships. It simply means you may respond emotionally differently to your significant-other after a year of being together. For all we know, that could be a very good thing.

I've been with my wife for over 5 years now and I do feel differently about her than I did for the first year of our relationship. I'm a lot MORE attached to her now, but it's a different sort of attachment.

In the first year of our relationship we were like two people who had fallen in love. Now we're like one person. I find myself surprised sometimes when she's asleep and I'm awake - or she had a rough day and I had a good one. It surprises me because it reminds me that we're separate people and I don't think of us that way.

In that respect it gets easy to take her for granted. But losing her at this point would be more like death than pain.

 

[TwinTurboJay]

I'll give you one word of advice: DON'T

If Murphy's law take seffect (as it most likely will), you'll get several chances to hook up with very good-looking women... and in a few years, when/if you break up with this girl your are with right now, you'll be cursing yourself for the fact that you let the chance slip for "staying faithful"... and even if you do marry her, in the future you'll wonder what it would've felt like to hook up with those girls from the first part of the paragraph...

I've been married for almost two years (Dec. 27th is the 2-year mark) and I'm very happy. However, before my wife was my girlfriend, I spent six years with another girl, and when I was in college in the US and she was in Venezuela, I stayed faithful for the first couple of years, but I had many chances to be unfaithful... as time passed, and I eventually broke up with her (or she broke up with me, rather) I was very pissed I lost the chances to hook up with other girls, even when given the opportunity. And yes, when I was single in college I did hook up.

So... in short, take every chance you get, because you never know how long it'll be 'til next time

Thats complete horse ****... I have been married to my wife for over 3 years now, I started we started dating when she was in highschool and I was a junior in college...I finished college and got a job offer 8 hours away and pretty much had to take it....we spent 2 years living that distance and had alot of oppurtunities arise, but never caved in, what I had was too special...we've been together now all inclusive for 8-1/2 years, she is the only woman I've ever had a relationship with and will continue until the day I die. I have no regrets about 'missed oppurtunities' because they are hollow and meaningless in the first place. When you have something special you hold on to it, and don't let BS get in the way, stay true to her and if what you have is meant to be, there is nothing on earth that can compare to it!

 

[FoolKiller]

You mean you treat sweets in a candy shop like you treat women?

- you wine them & dine them?

- have you ever had a menage et trois with a sherbet dib dab and an opel fruit?

I think he is along the lines of the saying, "Why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free?"

Thats complete horse ****... I have been married to my wife for over 3 years now, I started we started dating when she was in highschool and I was a junior in college...I finished college and got a job offer 8 hours away and pretty much had to take it....we spent 2 years living that distance and had alot of oppurtunities arise, but never caved in, what I had was too special...we've been together now all inclusive for 8-1/2 years, she is the only woman I've ever had a relationship with and will continue until the day I die. I have no regrets about 'missed oppurtunities' because they are hollow and meaningless in the first place. When you have something special you hold on to it, and don't let BS get in the way, stay true to her and if what you have is meant to be, there is nothing on earth that can compare to it!

Don't hate the player, hate the game.

I agree with TTJ though. I think life is easier when you are honest and faithful. The only way checking out the field would work is if you both agree to it AND you make sure she goes out first, because you don't want to be caught in the trap of seeing other people just to find that she never did.

I had a couple of long distance relationships and the distance showed me that it wasn't working. I broke them off before doing anything else.

Now I am married and I can't imagine anyone else besides my wife. This month will be 6 months married and 3 years together, the best three years of my life.

 

[Diego440]

TwinTurboJay, just because you don't aggree with my statement, it doesn't mean it's horse dung... The fact is that not everyone stays with the same girl forever and very few relationships in which people get married as young as you did last long. I'm not making this up.

My point is that I'd rather try out as many options as possible before settling down. I was lucky enough to try different options and not catch an STD in the process. NOw, having tried many options. I'm happy with the one I chose. This month will be 2 years married and 5 years together, and as FoolKiller, I can't imagine being with anyone else than my wife... nor do I plan to

I think your point is that you tried out one and decided it was great and kept it going, that's super, good work. A lot of people don't find true love ever.

It doesn't have anything do to with being faithful or not. As a matter of fact, my suggestion to DQuaN was to break up beore his g/f left, so as not to have the guilt of going behind her back. Unless he's planning to marry this girl in the near future, I wouldn't recommend staying too long in the same relationship before you're 25.

 

[Dave A]

Hey Dunc, you know that girl your head over heels over, dump her.


Sorry Diego but I dissagree strongly, especially advising someone to dump a girl because she'll be away for 6 month, they might have a chance to see eachother during that time, also theres such thing as the telephone and the internet, both of which can be used to keep in touch.

Your talking about missing an opportunity, have you ever though that by ditching the girl you have to wait for you might be missing the best match you've ever had. The biggest reason relationships don't last, or one of the biggest reasons anyway is because people arn't being loyal, and people are going around shaggin anyone and everyone. You said it yourself, you've been lucky not to catch an STD. Take me and the missues for example, when I met her she lived on the other side of Manchester and I didn't have car because it was in Spain with half an engine and Charlotte didn't drive then, it took 2 hours almost to get to hers or for her to get to mine, on a weekday that was 4 hours of travelling. Did I say sack it, I'll find a girl closer to home. I'm bloody glad I didn't I'll tell you that, Charlottes not my first, but theres a good chance she'll be my last.

 

[Azuremen]

Agreed w/ #17...

'Tis only a commitment issue.

I'm only 20, and me & the Pickle (petname for g/f) have been in that four-letter-mushy-word, and not fading any since day 1 way back in 2003.

Do the math:

That'd be 25% of my entire lifespan.

It's not that the chemical thing dissapates the quality of a relationship, it's the persons involved in it.

Lets do teh math here.... 2005 - 2003 = 2 years

2 years divided by 20 years = 1/10th

1/10th = 10%

And I see you are from Spokane as well, interesting...


Anyhow, this article doesn't say you fall out of love. It just changes. Which makes perfect sense. If you stayed madly in love like the mushy can't function and all that stuff... it would kinda be counter productive to life.

And I think I understand kinda what DAnoff was saying... when you first fall in love, its like "I with this person and and I need to stay around them to be happy and omgosh they are so wonderful!!!!1!" to more like you are happy and content when they are around, and it feels unnatural when they are not around. You still care a ton about them, its just changed how it ends up being manifested

This kinda hit me when I was driving my fiance around one time, and she was asleep in the car. I was just very very content and happy. Earlier in the relationship, I would have been excited and probably a little nervous even.

I'm not explaining this well but yeah... I tried

 

[Diego440]

the point of my whole rant is that
1) it makes little sense to commit yourself to someone before you're 25 (unless you've realy really really found "the one", and
2) it's safer not to try to maintain a long distance relationship... they're very hard and after a while you come to realize it may not be worth it.

live4speed, if you think Charlotte is "the one", then by all means, let her be. If DQuaN thinks his girl is "the one" then so be it. But if you're not sure or you really don't think so, I see no point.

I don't want to sound condescending, but as you get older and your chances get slimmer, you come to realize that maybe you shouldn't have missed certain chances because you were waiting for some girl. That's sex talk, though.

On the love topic, it's a completely different ballpark. I found "the one" at age 25 and got married at age 27; I'm 29 now and to tell you the truth, if I knew being married to Vicky (that's my wife, and actually, it's Vittoria) would've been so great, I would've married her earlier. But if you're both below 25 and not really willing to commit and live together and share income and expenses, and everything married couples do, I wouldn't risk it. But I think Magic069's take on it was very mature:

I felt that our feelings became to strong for one another, and that we weren't ready to be married yet. We seperated, and now I lives have taken us in different directions.

If you are "meant for each other", you will probably end up together, but if you're not, there's no sense forcing it.

 

[Danoff]

the point of my whole rant is that
1) it makes little sense to commit yourself to someone before you're 25 (unless you've realy really really found "the one", and
2) it's safer not to try to maintain a long distance relationship... they're very hard and after a while you come to realize it may not be worth it.

I maintained a long distance relationship with my wife prior to marriage and got married before 25. I don't see this as good advice.

 

[TheCracker]

Charlottes not my first, but theres a good chance she'll be my last.

About to come out of the closet?

 

[Dave A]

Thinking about it, it's not really a question of will we, but when.

 

[Diego440]

I maintained a long distance relationship with my wife prior to marriage and got married before 25. I don't see this as good advice.

Are you the typical guy? Do you know accoprding to the stats, you are like 40% more likely to a) cheat on your wife before the first 10 years of marriage, or b) get divorced in the first five years?

Anyway, was the long distance relationship fun? I found mine to be annoying as hell. Thank god she visited me about three times, not because I would've gone and cheated on her, but because I really missed her. And how long did this long distance relationship of yours last?

 

[TwinTurboJay]

Hey Dunc, you know that girl your head over heels over, dump her.


Sorry Diego but I dissagree strongly, especially advising someone to dump a girl because she'll be away for 6 month, they might have a chance to see eachother during that time, also theres such thing as the telephone and the internet, both of which can be used to keep in touch.

Your talking about missing an opportunity, have you ever though that by ditching the girl you have to wait for you might be missing the best match you've ever had. The biggest reason relationships don't last, or one of the biggest reasons anyway is because people arn't being loyal, and people are going around shaggin anyone and everyone. You said it yourself, you've been lucky not to catch an STD. Take me and the missues for example, when I met her she lived on the other side of Manchester and I didn't have car because it was in Spain with half an engine and Charlotte didn't drive then, it took 2 hours almost to get to hers or for her to get to mine, on a weekday that was 4 hours of travelling. Did I say sack it, I'll find a girl closer to home. I'm bloody glad I didn't I'll tell you that, Charlottes not my first, but theres a good chance she'll be my last.

👍

 

[FoolKiller]

Anyway, was the long distance relationship fun? I found mine to be annoying as hell.

Ah, the first sign that it won't work.

I had one long distance relationship when I first went to college. After a month I knew that it wasn't going to work because I didn't want to work my new schedule around going to see her. I preferred staying at school on teh weekends. I broke that one off.

Then I had another relationship a year before I graduated college. She graduated and went home. I hated having to go see her, and her wanting to see me every weekend did not help. I had no social life because I had huge projects that took up all my time in the week. She became suspicious of me and I of her. Then she started accusing me of cheating because I would go out with friends and girls were in the group. Two weeks after we broke up she called and apologized, realizing that I was faithful and was suspicious because she had feelings for someone else and thought that if she did I could too. Haven't talked to her since.

Finally, I met a girl two nights before I left school. It was my fairwell party and she showed up with another guy, one of my friends. So now I was moving home and found a girl I liked in my college town. We started dating and I had no problems going to see her. We trusted each other completely and switched off going back and forth. I even created an MP3 music mix that lasted the length of the drive almost to the minute. After doing that for a year and a half we were engaged and then married a year later. This coming weekend will mark when we first met and New Year's will mark when we first started dating. Oh, and the friend she came to the party with doesn't talk to either of us anymore. All's fair in love and war, right?

What I am saying is that from my experience long distance can be bad or good, but you will be able to tell. If visiting them is an annoyance instead of a joy and teh entire visit you think about getting back home then it won't work and you should just break it off to make both your lives easier. If you get excited about seeing each other and hate leaving to go home then you have found the right person for you.

 

[Danoff]

Are you the typical guy? Do you know accoprding to the stats, you are like 40% more likely to a) cheat on your wife before the first 10 years of marriage, or b) get divorced in the first five years?

I'm not more likely. Maybe others have gotten divorced but that doesn't impact the choices I will make.

Anyway, was the long distance relationship fun? I found mine to be annoying as hell. Thank god she visited me about three times, not because I would've gone and cheated on her, but because I really missed her. And how long did this long distance relationship of yours last?

Well the relationship is going on 5 years but the long term portion was only for half a year. No it wasn't fun. It sucked quite a bit. I found it very difficult to be without her. But we managed. I changed my schedule to be with her as much as possible and she did the same.

 

[Diego440]

Well the relationship is going on 5 years but the long term portion was only for half a year. No it wasn't fun. It sucked quite a bit. I found it very difficult to be without her. But we managed. I changed my schedule to be with her as much as possible and she did the same.

well, according to the stats, your relationship falls within the "more likely" bunch... which of course, doesn't ensure yours will be like that. I think the stats also say that most marriages that end up in divorce do so before the first two years, so there's that.

My wife and I had our share of long distance relationship, but other than you two (FoolKiller and Danoff), I couldn't manage my schedule since she was about 6 hours by plane away. I met her in Venezuela during my Xmas break while I was in college in Buffalo, NY. In February she went to visit, then in May, after I graduated and got a job in New York City, she visited me there and in October I moved to Miami and she visited me there as well. By February the following year we'd both about had it with long distance, although we were willing to give it a (longer) shot if need be, but I returned to Venezuela and a couple of years later got married. Little did we know we would both have to leave the country, but that's another story. We've been living in the Canary Islands for about 20 months now, and our relationship has been very strong always.

I think we got married at a good age, I was 27 and she was 26. Further discussion of what's the right age should take place on a different thread, we could call it "Getting married before 25, good or bad?", but ultimately, I think what's important is how it feels to you. I've seen relationships where the couple has been together for two months and they get married and last more than 10 years... I've also seen other where the couple has been together for more than five years and they get married and last less than 2 months.

 

[Dave A]

Stats like that a bull****, it's all down to attitude, how can a statistic on paper give an accurate depiction of how two people feel towards each other. Your more likely to fail if your the kind of person who will go off and look for another option at the first sign of difficulty or actual effort with regards to the relationship. Age imo has very, very little to do with it once your grown up. It's a generational thing, back in the 50's and 60's when our parents were off wooing the girls there wasn't half as muchcheating going on, the statistics were very, very different. In 20 years time they'll be vastly different again, it's because of people attitudes towards relationships, young adults these days don't put as much effort into making them work it's as simple as that if you have the attitude that you will make it work no matter what, suddenly thoes statistics don't apply. Theres also no good marriage age, theres ready and theres not ready, I'm not married yet but one year ago I'd have thought the idea of me being married before my late 20's were ridiculous, now I'm not so sure if I want to wait that long. You can't put an accurate statistic on a persons attitude and willingess to work at a relationship, simple as.

Also a relationship has failed if the marriage doesn't last for life, you can't say I had a good marriage we got divorced after 11 years, that means you've failed. I mean there can be valid reasons for divorce, but it still makes the relationship failure. Marriage is a life long commitment, too many people don't treat it that way. But like you said, different people get different results, thats just my take on it all.

 

[Diego440]

I agree somewhat on your points, live4speed... but you also have to take into account that in the 50s and 60s divorce wasn't looked upon as normal as it is today. Divorce only became socially acceptable in the mid-70s. Matter of fact, Spain is a very backwards country and I've met many people who's marriage is at the point where they don't even speak to one another, much less sleep together, but still they don't divorce because it's not looked upon as a good thing.

Also, in the 50s and 60s there was a mentality that if you had kids you shouldn't get divorced... or rather, if your marriage was on the rocks, you had kids to try and save it. I agree with the fact that marriage should be abut being mature, whether you're 20, 30 or 50. But life also has set timeframes, and there are experiences which you should live before getting married (i.e. graduating from college, getting your first job, living as a bachelor and dating people with similar experience, going through the dating cycle, etc.). Feel free to disagree

 

[Dave A]

Oh I agree that if you have certain ambitions get them done but this is a case of different people doing different things living their lives in different ways, I'm in a position where I'm pretty much financially stable and I've done a lot of what I want to that you couldn't spend as much time on when married. I just don't think statistics and percentages tell the whole story, people these days have put a lower value on relationships, and thats why they don't last imo. If your willing to work at it and not give up at the first sign of trouble then you stand a far better chance of making it work regardless of if your 20, 25 or 30. I agree that you can get married too soon, but I don't think theres a set age for it when it's best, some people have lives where they can get married in the early 20's, some sooner but I'd question the sense in getting married in your teens on the basis of maturity. Some people get married too soon, they rush into it. At the end of the day, one thing we can both agree on is, that you can go into it too fast, but theres no set time scale for people, it's an individual thing.

 

[Diego440]

agreed

Its all about maturity, and in being mature you should be able to make the right decision about getting married or not.

 

[DQuaN]

errrm. I'm not gonna get the chance


I fell in love with a girl, and she fell in love with me. But before it happened, she had organised that she would go to Asia for 6 Months.

She leaves March 1st. And i am sure it will be the worst day of my life. But i will stay faithfull for that time, because i am head over heals.


What a great feeling this is right now

Sorry for bumping but.....

What a **** feeling this is right now. She has gone and it's horrible. I' have a few days off so i'm gonna drink myself silly. We have broken up because it makes things easier for us, and we don't know what's gonna happen when she gets back.

Time for me to get on with my life it seems. I'm gonna miss her so much though.

 

[Keef]

Why don't you ask her what she's doing and see if she wants to get back together when she gets back? Why did she leave, anyway?
I don't know how this whole love thing really works. I've never had a real girlfriend, I'm what you call a "loser".

 

[Touring Mars]

Why did she leave, anyway?

I fell in love with a girl, and she fell in love with me. But before it happened, she had organised that she would go to Asia for 6 Months.

I think there is your answer... or were you asking why she didn't stay even though she had her trip planned and booked? I guess that is harder to answer, but I don't know many people that would have done things any differently to be honest... my mate is just about to get back from a 6 month trip around Asia, and when I asked him why he was doing it, the answer was quite obvious - it was a dream and it was probably his last chance to do it (in this way)...

I remember when I was going out with my 2nd (long-termish) girlfriend and she (and her sister) were saving like mad to go around the world for a year. The whole time I knew her, she worked in a really crap job just so she could save for this dream holiday. At the time it was the best job she could get, and although she hated it, she did it because she had something to special to work for. Eventually, she had enough money to pay for the ticket and to afford to travel for a bit - (she worked in Australia as well) - and although I was able to go over to Australia to see her (My 21st birthday present!), I still didn't see much of her. When I got back to the UK, it was another 6 months until she returned. We went out for a bit after she returned, but we broke up shortly afterwards - but to this day I admire her for doing what she did - she followed her dream and if I helped her do that by not standing in her way, then I'm happy.

Obviously the situation is different here, but I think, Dunc, you're doing the right thing by having a clean break for the moment - you can't know exactly what will happen when she gets back, but my guess is that you will both know what to do when you see each other again

 

[Smallhorses]

Distance should never be an issue.
My wife & I were separated by 5500 miles for about half of the 2 1/2 years before we got married.
In the old days before cheap telephone calls, e-mail and the internet this would have been a big deal. Nowadays it's pi$s easy to get in touch with anyone, anywhere. If they don't want to be contacted then there's probably good reason.
Hell, the first 2 months we were married my wife spent 11 days in England and I had to come back to US, (Lack of vacation!) before I went back for a couple of weeks, and then we were separated for another month or so until her visa arrived....

Distance is a bollocks excuse for ending things if it's truly right!

 

[kennythebomb]

^ Exactly.

I would even venture to say... if you can't handle short term long distance (like say 1/2 a year) then you don't love her enough, and she is not the one.

 

[Touring Mars]

Good point(s) in theory, but it doesn't make it any easier when the time comes to seperate (for whatever reason) - that's the beauty of relationships - every single one you ever have (romantic or otherwise) is unique - and people deal with them in different ways. You just have to have the courage of your convictions and do what you feel is right at the time...

 

[MagpieRacer]

I'm in a pretty tough relationship at the moment, started off on the internet would you beleive, just chatting on msn, and we just fell in love from there, we see eachother a fair bit considering i live in Brighton and she lives in High Wycombe (thats a 3 our train journey for those who dont know) but despite that we see eachother a fair amount. It just seems right, feels like it should be happening rather than being forced, been together for around 2 and a bit months now and its only getting stronger so who knows where we will be in a years time.

 

[Dave A]

Living in a caravan with no money and 3 kid's causing mayhem.... Maybe . But in all seriousness, god for you, if it's a girl your really into, distance shouldn't be a defining problem. Sure it's a problem, but it should have a say in staying wit her or not. I used to see this girl in Mansfield called Beth, it was good but I had no intentions of taking it further with her. I didn't want to spend more time than I was doing with her, so I ended it. I had to travl to see Charlotte when we first started going out, she only lived in north Manchester, but I didn't have a car at the time and the buses were slow with all the traffic, I had to get the bus into Manchester, then another bus from Manchester to her and there was always 20-30 mins waiting for the bus in Manchester too (the whole journey could take 2 hours one way). Not the ideal b any means. But the differece here is that I really liked Charlotte, we were into each other in the newly going out way, we had that buzz, but I really liked her. In the end she moved in with me and got a new job at Trafford general hospital.

 

[bondy_1625]

I'm in a pretty tough relationship at the moment, started off on the internet would you beleive, just chatting on msn, and we just fell in love from there, we see eachother a fair bit considering i live in Brighton and she lives in High Wycombe (thats a 3 our train journey for those who dont know) but despite that we see eachother a fair amount. It just seems right, feels like it should be happening rather than being forced, been together for around 2 and a bit months now and its only getting stronger so who knows where we will be in a years time.

Im in almost exactly the same boat.
I met my girl on the internet, we were introduced by a mate of mine and a mate of hers who are also in a long distance relationship.
I get to visit her every month or so, a 3 hour+ car journey doesnt bother me one bit, because she is worth every minute of my time.
I live in Great Yarmouth whereas she resides 150 miles away in Northampton.
We have been an item for 4 months 1 week and 2 days. Its nice to remeber
I could not love anyone as much as i do this girl, and distance will not beat me. I havent had many relationships, but i feel this one is right, im only 19, but i cant imagine myself with anyone else.

Good luck with your relationship by the way

 

[Jetboy.]

Im in almost exactly the same boat.
I met my girl on the internet, we were introduced by a mate of mine and a mate of hers who are also in a long distance relationship.
I get to visit her every month or so, a 3 hour+ car journey doesnt bother me one bit, because she is worth every minute of my time.
I live in Great Yarmouth whereas she resides 150 miles away in Northampton.
We have been an item for 4 months 1 week and 2 days. Its nice to remeber
I could not love anyone as much as i do this girl, and distance will not beat me. I havent had many relationships, but i feel this one is right, im only 19, but i cant imagine myself with anyone else.

Good luck with your relationship by the way

Save for the distance being much shorter (some 22 miles; a mere pittance to some of you, I see. I visit her every 7 days.) I see we lead very much the same last 4 months...even the way you were hooked up. How odd, . And a lot of very true, excellent conversation going around. I'll keep this in mind in the future. Thank you guys and good luck in all your endeavors.


Jetboy

 

[MagpieRacer]

Im in almost exactly the same boat.
I met my girl on the internet, we were introduced by a mate of mine and a mate of hers who are also in a long distance relationship.
I get to visit her every month or so, a 3 hour+ car journey doesnt bother me one bit, because she is worth every minute of my time.
I live in Great Yarmouth whereas she resides 150 miles away in Northampton.
We have been an item for 4 months 1 week and 2 days. Its nice to remeber
I could not love anyone as much as i do this girl, and distance will not beat me. I havent had many relationships, but i feel this one is right, im only 19, but i cant imagine myself with anyone else.

Good luck with your relationship by the way

Wow, 150 miles? Dam man Good luck to you too 👍