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Jason Farrell always told his customers that he could build anything using Flash and to prove his point he built his new home entirely out of Flash. Stepping onto the welcome mat out front sets in motion a colorful display of pictures and music while a soothing voice tells you how happy it is that you are visiting. Five minutes later, you are presented a doorbell in order to actually request entry.

The whole house consists of one room, but with the power of Flash, Farrell never needs to leave that room. "I'm a little uncomfortable taking a leak the same place where I sleep and fry my eggs, but never having to walk more than 5 feet is pretty nice."

There are a few disadvantages says Farrell, "Sometimes it's hard to get from one room to the next, but at least there's always something pretty for me to look at while I try to figure it out."

Farrell foresees that contractors building houses with antiquated wood and drywall are going to be replaced by a new renaissance in Flash home building. "I think people will get over having to wait a few minutes for the toilet to materialize once they realize they can make it any color they want with the touch of a button."

Conventional home builders aren't concerned just yet that they will become obsolete. "I see a fundamental usability issue with Flash homes," relates Greg Watson of J & G Builders. "For example, from home to home there will be design differences. In one house if you turn the door knob it'll open the door, but in another the house might start dancing."

Farrell's neighbors have filed several complaints with the neighborhood association stating that the spinning heads of Colin Mochrie are a disconcerting replacement for aluminum siding.

The web designer says he has no plans of stopping with just a house. "There's no limit to what can be done," explains Farrell. "Next I'm building a car, then a wife and finally a missile defense system!"
 
Around the World - Linus Torvalds announced yesterday that the Linux Kernel 2.4 will be delayed. He blamed the delay on interference from Microsoft's Army of Evil Monkeys. The army has been disrupting the lives of key Linux programmers, and in some cases destroying portions of code. Torvalds himself has been a victim of several Evil Monkey attacks.
Steve Ballmer denied any involvement by Microsoft in the matter. "We did receive the Army of Evil Monkeys when we purchased evil from Satan, but those monkeys are only temporary employees and not actual employees of Microsoft. Whatever they do on their own time is their business."

If the accusations prove to be true, then this could have a major effect on the Justice Department's anti-trust case against Microsoft. Joel Klein said, "If this story is accurate, then this is just one more example of how Microsoft is using its monopoly power to stifle competition."

"It has been horrible," said Linux programmer Rob Timmons, "the evil monkeys were everywhere. Trashing my computer, [defecating] in my bed. I lost several days worth of work."

Internal Microsoft e-mails obtained by BBspot tell of a secret monkey training ground where monkeys are trained to seek out and harass Linux programmers. The only comments from Bill Gates have been, "Fly my pretty, fly!
 
The National Breast Cancer Obliviousness Foundation is gearing up for Breast Cancer Obliviousness Month, to be observed across the U.S. throughout the month of March.

"Each year in this country, more than 40 million Americans don't really think about breast cancer all that much," said National Breast Cancer Obliviousness Foundation director Judith Quinn at a press conference kicking off the month-long event. "These people get up each day and go to work without this dread disease ever crossing their minds."

Founded in 1997, the National Breast Cancer Obliviousness Foundation is one of the nation's fastest-growing charitable organizations. As a result of the group's work, more than 120 million citizens are not aware of the serious threat breast cancer poses or the simple steps women can take to detect and prevent the disease early.

Planned events include marches dedicated to various breast-cancer-unrelated items, including anteaters and motel-lobby vending machines; free cajun-cooking demonstrations; and the distribution of red ribbons to put people's minds on AIDS instead.

"We've come far in our short history, but much work lies ahead," Quinn said. "For example, we're about to produce a pamphlet with basic information on the disease and a list of breast-cancer research organizations to which people can donate money. Then we will leave those pamphlets sitting in some warehouse somewhere in Iowa, just collecting dust."

Among the topics Americans will not learn more about during Breast Cancer Obliviousness Month are the importance of regular mammograms for women over 40, how to conduct an at-home self breast exam, and simple diet and lifestyle tips to help reduce the risk of getting the disease.

"It's vital that we focus our energies on something other than the 190,000 new cases of breast cancer in the U.S. each year," Quinn said. "Because if we don't, we're all going to get pretty bummed out."

Television networks have joined forces with the Breast Cancer Obliviousness Foundation in support of its cause. Throughout March, CBS will air public-service announcements featuring Ray Romano delivering the slogan, "Breast Cancer: Fuhgeddaboutit!" On March 28, NBC will air a "very routine episode" of Friends in which none of the female characters are diagnosed with, or even mention, breast cancer. The episode will conclude with a phone number viewers may call to hear that evening's sports scores.

"Volunteers and donations are still badly needed if we as a nation are going to continue to be unaware of this dreaded killer," Quinn said. "For those who have already heard about breast cancer, it may be too late, but at least we can distract them to help ease their awareness while working to ensure that our daughters, and our daughters' daughters, never know much about this terrible condition."

Added Quinn: "Let's play badminton."
 
Thirty-seven record-store clerks are missing and feared dead in the aftermath of a partial roof collapse during a Yo La Tengo concert Monday.

"We're trying our best to rescue these clerks, but, realistically, there's not a lot of hope," said emergency worker Len Guzman, standing outside the 40 Watt Club, where the tragedy occurred. "These people are simply not in the physical condition to survive this sort of trauma. It's just a twisted mass of black-frame glasses and ironic Girl Scouts T-shirts in there."

Also believed to be among the missing are seven freelance rock critics, five vinyl junkies, two 'zine publishers, an art-school dropout, and a college-radio DJ.

The collapse occurred approximately 30 minutes into the Hoboken, NJ, band's set, when a poorly installed rooftop heating-and-cooling unit came loose and crashed through the roof, bringing several massive steel beams down with it.

Andy Ringler, an assistant manager at Wuxtry Records, sustained head trauma when he ran back into the building to rescue a fellow clerk.

"I just had to help," said Ringler, listed in stable condition at a nearby hospital. "I saw all these people coming out bleeding and dazed. I gave up my vintage Galaxie 500 shirt just to help some guy bandage his arm. It was horrible."

Added Ringler: "I just pray they can somehow get this club rebuilt in time for next month's Dismemberment Plan/Death Cab For Cutie show. That's a fantastic double bill."

Joe Gaer was among the lucky record-store clerks who escaped unscathed.

"I was in the bathroom when it happened," said Gaer, a part-time cashier at School Kids Records. "There was this loud crashing sound, followed by even louder crashing, and then all these screams. If I hadn't left to take a leak during 'Moby Octopad'—to be honest, never one of my favorite songs on I Can Hear The Heart Beating As One—I'd probably be among the dead."

"It's just tragic," Gaer continued. "I heard they were going to play Daniel Johnston's 'Speeding Motorcycle.' They almost never do that one live."

Devastated by the disaster, Athens record-store owners are still holding out hope that their employees are still alive.

"All I can do is wait and pray they'll find them," said Bert's Discount Records owner Bert Halyard, who lost clerks Todd Fischer and Dan Harris in the collapse. "They were going to start an experimental/math-rock band together. Dan had a really nice Moog synthesizer and an original pressing of the first Squirrel Bait EP."

As of press time, police and emergency rescue workers were still sifting through the wreckage for copies of Magnet, heated debates over the definition of emo, and other signs of record-store-clerk life.

"I haven't seen this much senseless hipster carnage since the Great Sebadoh Fire Of '93," said rescue worker Larry Kolterman, finding a green-and-gold suede Puma sneaker in the rubble. "It's such a shame that all those bastions of indie-rock geekitude had to go in their prime. Their cries of 'sellout' have been forever silenced."
 
I would rather say that a desire to drive fast sports cars is what sets
man apart from the animals.
 
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