Jokes!!
- Thread starter DQuaN
- 4,663 comments
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- 2,863
- Pittsburgh, PA
- Leadfoot530
- 490
- Swanage
- GTP_Gadget6711
psychology skills. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
- 11,573
- Intercourse, PA
- Carbonox
An old couple is watching TV at home. The man goes to the kitchen.
"You want anything?" he asks.
"Ice cream and strawberries. Write it down so you'll remember."
"I'll be OK."
He comes back with a plate of bacon and eggs.
"I knew you'd forget the toast!" says the woman.
"You want anything?" he asks.
"Ice cream and strawberries. Write it down so you'll remember."
"I'll be OK."
He comes back with a plate of bacon and eggs.
"I knew you'd forget the toast!" says the woman.
- 3,282
- Adelaide
- bjl2323
A husband and wife are sitting at the dinning table going over there financial situation, they decide that they need to cut back on some luxury items.
The wife turns to the husband and says you need to cut down on beer, he agrees to this.
I week passers by and the husband sees the shopping bill and notices that the wife has spend $100 on make up, so he says to her, I thought we where cutting down on luxury items?
Yes she says, but I need to look good for you.
The husband turns her and says, what the 🤬 do you think the beer was for?
The wife turns to the husband and says you need to cut down on beer, he agrees to this.
I week passers by and the husband sees the shopping bill and notices that the wife has spend $100 on make up, so he says to her, I thought we where cutting down on luxury items?
Yes she says, but I need to look good for you.
The husband turns her and says, what the 🤬 do you think the beer was for?
DesertPenguin
(Banned)
- 10,691
- Long Island, New York
- DesertPenguin_
Subtlety is underrated and I'm not sure if that's a pun or not
- 2,226
- Bács-Kiskun
From one of my exams:
An eccentric philosophy professor gave his students a one-question final exam after a semester dealing with a wide range of topics.
An eccentric philosophy professor gave his students a one-question final exam after a semester dealing with a wide range of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to start the exam when the professor picked up his chair, put it on top of his desk and wrote on the board:
"Prove that this chair does not exist using everything we have learned from this semester."Finger flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour trying to disprove the
existence of the chair. One member of the class, however, was up and finished in less than a minute. Everybody was astonished when he stood up, handed in his exam paper and left the room.A week later, when the grades were posted on the notice board, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an "A" when he had
hardly written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"
- 1,970
- United Kingdom
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How do you eat with that?"
“**** me, a talking elephant!”
To be honest the machinations of the scenario escaped me, if there were any to begin with.
I heard it on the radio earlier today as part of some joke marathon the station was doing for charity, and for some reason it just stood out.
I don't know why.
- 28,398
- Glasgow
- GTP_Mars
- 15,994
- United Kingdom
- haitch40
- Xbox?
Psychologist. You don't think he needs pills for his issue more he needs talking therapy, therefore you are a psychologist.Clearly because you want to replace the elephant in this scenario and talk to a naked man whilst belittling his trunk. [/closet psychiatrist]
Look I didn't know that was illegal.
BobK
Premium
- 7,020
- Massachusetts, USA
Early in the 20th Century mayonnaise was a very popular condiment in Central America and Mexico and featured prominently in much of the cuisine. When WWI came along, however, it resulted in critical shortages of this popular condiment dissatisvaction in the general populace, with Mexico being the hardest hit by the wartime shortage.
After the Zimmerman affair it was decided in Washington DC that a good way to help patch up frosty relations with Mexico would be to send a massive shipment to Mexico, even though the US itself was suffering from a shortage.
Twenty thousand tons of mayonnaise was amassed and loaded aboard a huge freighter which was then dispatched around Florida and across the Gulf of Mexico and thence to Vera Cruz, Mexico.
Unfortunately a U-Boat intercepted the ship when it was nearly in sight of Vera Cruz and put three torpedoes into it, The ship sank in minutes, taking all twenty thousand tons of mayonnaise to the bottom.
There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth in Mexico, and to this day the citizens of Mexico still commemorate the "sinko de mayo".
After the Zimmerman affair it was decided in Washington DC that a good way to help patch up frosty relations with Mexico would be to send a massive shipment to Mexico, even though the US itself was suffering from a shortage.
Twenty thousand tons of mayonnaise was amassed and loaded aboard a huge freighter which was then dispatched around Florida and across the Gulf of Mexico and thence to Vera Cruz, Mexico.
Unfortunately a U-Boat intercepted the ship when it was nearly in sight of Vera Cruz and put three torpedoes into it, The ship sank in minutes, taking all twenty thousand tons of mayonnaise to the bottom.
There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth in Mexico, and to this day the citizens of Mexico still commemorate the "sinko de mayo".
- 2,226
- Bács-Kiskun
This was in one of the tasks of the final exam. Definitely made me a bit less stressed!
A woman and a man had a car crash. Their cars are completely totalled but neither of them is hurt. Both gets out from the cars. The woman says: "Look at our cars! They're totalled! Thank God we're alive! This is a sign that we should be friends!" The man says: "Yeah, that could be true." The woman: "And here's another miracle. This bottle of whisky from the backseat of my car is still in one piece! Let's drink this Scotch to celebrate that we're alive!" The man nods his head in agreement. The woman gives him the bottle, the man drinks the half of it to calm his nerves. Then he gives it back to the woman. She places back the top on the bottle. "Why aren't you having any?" - asks the man. The woman replies: "Oh, I would rather wait for the police to decide whose fault it was!"
A woman and a man had a car crash. Their cars are completely totalled but neither of them is hurt. Both gets out from the cars. The woman says: "Look at our cars! They're totalled! Thank God we're alive! This is a sign that we should be friends!" The man says: "Yeah, that could be true." The woman: "And here's another miracle. This bottle of whisky from the backseat of my car is still in one piece! Let's drink this Scotch to celebrate that we're alive!" The man nods his head in agreement. The woman gives him the bottle, the man drinks the half of it to calm his nerves. Then he gives it back to the woman. She places back the top on the bottle. "Why aren't you having any?" - asks the man. The woman replies: "Oh, I would rather wait for the police to decide whose fault it was!"
Pete05
Premium
- 6,963
- Melbourne, Australia
I could see the punchline coming but it’s still funny & worthy of sharing.This was in one of the tasks of the final exam. Definitely made me a bit less stressed!
A woman and a man had a car crash. Their cars are completely totalled but neither of them is hurt. Both gets out from the cars. The woman says: "Look at our cars! They're totalled! Thank God we're alive! This is a sign that we should be friends!" The man says: "Yeah, that could be true." The woman: "And here's another miracle. This bottle of whisky from the backseat of my car is still in one piece! Let's drink this Scotch to celebrate that we're alive!" The man nods his head in agreement. The woman gives him the bottle, the man drinks the half of it to calm his nerves. Then he gives it back to the woman. She places back the top on the bottle. "Why aren't you having any?" - asks the man. The woman replies: "Oh, I would rather wait for the police to decide whose fault it was!"
- 2,226
- Bács-Kiskun
Base: "Where are you already?"
Trucker: "I haven't got there yet. I had a problem with the truck."
Base: "Oh? What happened? Are you ok?"
Trucker: "Yes, I'm fine but I broke the passenger-side mirror."
Base: "That doesn't sound serious. How did that happen?"
Trucker: "The truck's lying on it."
Trucker: "I haven't got there yet. I had a problem with the truck."
Base: "Oh? What happened? Are you ok?"
Trucker: "Yes, I'm fine but I broke the passenger-side mirror."
Base: "That doesn't sound serious. How did that happen?"
Trucker: "The truck's lying on it."
Pete05
Premium
- 6,963
- Melbourne, Australia
I wouldn’t want to be the Truckie that does that.
