Jokes!!
- Thread starter DQuaN
- 4,663 comments
- 702,044 views
- 490
- Swanage
- GTP_Gadget6711
I have three kids named Ctrl, Alt and Del.
When they mess up, I hit them all at once.
I wanted to name my son after my father, but my wife didn't think Dad was a good name for a boy.
When I was a kid, people used to cover me with cream and put cherries on my head. It was tough growing up in the gateau.
I remember my aunt buying me a walkie-talkie for my sixth birthday. She said if I was good, she'd give me the other one for my seventh birthday.
Why did the chicken run on to the soccer pitch?
Because the referee blew for a fowl.
What did the chicken say when it went to borrow three items from the library? Book, book, book.
What do you get if you cross a centipede and a chicken?
Enough drumsticks to feed an army.
Madonna, Cher, and Rihanna had a big argument.
They're no longer on a first name basis,
Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says: "Why the long face?"
When they mess up, I hit them all at once.
I wanted to name my son after my father, but my wife didn't think Dad was a good name for a boy.
When I was a kid, people used to cover me with cream and put cherries on my head. It was tough growing up in the gateau.
I remember my aunt buying me a walkie-talkie for my sixth birthday. She said if I was good, she'd give me the other one for my seventh birthday.
Why did the chicken run on to the soccer pitch?
Because the referee blew for a fowl.
What did the chicken say when it went to borrow three items from the library? Book, book, book.
What do you get if you cross a centipede and a chicken?
Enough drumsticks to feed an army.
Madonna, Cher, and Rihanna had a big argument.
They're no longer on a first name basis,
Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says: "Why the long face?"
- 28,417
- Glasgow
- GTP_Mars
- 36,525
- Scotland
- GTP_daan
A chicken walks into the library. It goes up to the circulation desk and says: "book, bok, bok, boook". The librarian hands the chicken a book. It tucks it under his wing and runs out. A while later, the chicken runs back in, throws the first book into the return bin and goes back to the librarian saying: "book, bok, bok, bok, boook". Again the librarian gives it a book, and the chicken runs out. The librarian shakes her head. Within a few minutes, the chicken is back, returns the book and starts all over again: "boook, book, bok bok boook". The librarian gives him yet a third book, but this time as the chicken is running out the door, she follows it. The chicken runs down the street, through the park and down to the riverbank. There, sitting on a lily pad is a big, green frog. The chicken holds up the book and shows it to the frog, saying: "Book, bok, bok, boook". The frog blinks, and croaks: "read-it, read-it, read-it".
- 490
- Swanage
- GTP_Gadget6711
I love using our theater's trapdoor...
...it’s just a stage I’m going through.
My wife isn't speaking to me anymore because
apparently I ruined her birthday. I'm not sure how I did it.
I didn't even know it was her birthday!
I got fired from the unemployment office Friday.
My boss said, “Clean our your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”
To the lady in a skirt that crossed her legs
You're blocking my view!
I t.hink I. mig.ht hav.e ina.dverte.ntly tak.en one .of my
wif.e's bir.th c.ontrol pi.lls beca.use m.y perio.ds a.re irr.egu.lar
I don't mean to sound racist but
two men should never get married!
Yeah you laugh at my fanny pack
until you need some damn ibuprofen.
I believe in Karma...
So if there is a child sitting in the seat in front of me on an airplane, I kick the back of his seat for the whole trip.
Losing your wife can be difficult.
I know because I've been trying to lose mine for years.
Seven qualities I look for in a woman.
1. Beautiful. 2. Intelligent. 3. Gentle. 4. Thoughtful. 5. Innocent. 6. Trustworthy. 7. Sensible .
Or in short B.I.G.T.I.T.S.
How many grammar Nazis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Too.
I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”
...it’s just a stage I’m going through.
My wife isn't speaking to me anymore because
apparently I ruined her birthday. I'm not sure how I did it.
I didn't even know it was her birthday!
I got fired from the unemployment office Friday.
My boss said, “Clean our your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”
To the lady in a skirt that crossed her legs
You're blocking my view!
I t.hink I. mig.ht hav.e ina.dverte.ntly tak.en one .of my
wif.e's bir.th c.ontrol pi.lls beca.use m.y perio.ds a.re irr.egu.lar
I don't mean to sound racist but
two men should never get married!
Yeah you laugh at my fanny pack
until you need some damn ibuprofen.
I believe in Karma...
So if there is a child sitting in the seat in front of me on an airplane, I kick the back of his seat for the whole trip.
Losing your wife can be difficult.
I know because I've been trying to lose mine for years.
Seven qualities I look for in a woman.
1. Beautiful. 2. Intelligent. 3. Gentle. 4. Thoughtful. 5. Innocent. 6. Trustworthy. 7. Sensible .
Or in short B.I.G.T.I.T.S.
How many grammar Nazis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Too.
I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”
- 7,720
- Heaven
Why did a p1 cross the road?
Cause there was a race track on the other side
Anyone no
ok i'll leave 
Cause there was a race track on the other side
Anyone no
ok i'll leave 
- 4,722
- United Kingdom
For around a decade now there's been an award for the best joke of the festival at Edinburgh each year. I've heard this year's winner somewhere before, possibly by Doug Stanhope but I'm not sure.
- 2,426
- South Auckland, New Zealand
- Nismonath5
Not a joke per se, but a bit of light humor for the car guys out there.
- 2,226
- Bács-Kiskun
Probably you guys heard it a million times, buuut...
I finally quit drinking for good.
Now I drink for evil.
I finally quit drinking for good.
Now I drink for evil.
- 490
- Swanage
- GTP_Gadget6711
A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."
- 2,226
- Bács-Kiskun
What's that?
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a long one, Nicolas Cage has a short one, Madonna doesn't have one, and the Pope doesn't use it?
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a long one, Nicolas Cage has a short one, Madonna doesn't have one, and the Pope doesn't use it?
Surname
- 27,163
- United Kingdom
- 490
- Swanage
- GTP_Gadget6711
You are marvellously mature when:
You and your teeth don't sleep together.
You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
Your back goes out but you stay home.
When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
When your idea of a night out is sitting on the terrace.
When happy hour is a nap.
When you're on holiday and your energy runs out before your money does.
When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.
You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
You and your teeth don't sleep together.
You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
Your back goes out but you stay home.
When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
When your idea of a night out is sitting on the terrace.
When happy hour is a nap.
When you're on holiday and your energy runs out before your money does.
When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.
You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
- 490
- Swanage
- GTP_Gadget6711
Little Davie attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Davie asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Davie, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Davie, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
- 490
- Swanage
- GTP_Gadget6711
A teenage girl had just been given family-car privileges. One Friday night she returned home very late from a party.
The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 am the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "What time did you get in last night?"
"Not too late, Dad," she replied nervously.
Dead-panned, her father said, "Then I'll have to talk to the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car.
The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 am the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "What time did you get in last night?"
"Not too late, Dad," she replied nervously.
Dead-panned, her father said, "Then I'll have to talk to the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car.
