Jokes!!

  • Thread starter DQuaN
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I once cut up a kidney for biology.

The teacher wasn't very happy but I'm sure she'll live.
 
Highways England found over 200 dead crows on the M4 recently, and there was concern that they may have died from avian flu. A pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT avian flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by cars.

Highways England then hired an ornithological behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The ornithological behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry"
 
Roo
Highways England found over 200 dead crows on the M4 recently, and there was concern that they may have died from avian flu. A pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT avian flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by cars.

Highways England then hired an ornithological behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The ornithological behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry"
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You raven a laugh?
 
What did one hat say to the other?

You stay here, I'll go on a head.
 
Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, "this is the Serious Burns Unit."
 
Probably a good joke but the joke for me personally is that I don't understand a word what the patients are saying. I think it's Scots.
 
kikie
Probably a good joke but the joke for me personally is that I don't understand a word what the patients are saying. I think it's Scots.
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It's a Robert Burns poem. Hence, the Burns unit.
 
daan
Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, "this is the Serious Burns Unit."
Click to expand...

dont bother explainin, i am sure it's the best joke around... but this is i feel a rather very cultural/language thing
because i have no idea what the hell is funny in this :odd:
 
kikie
Probably a good joke but the joke for me personally is that I don't understand a word what the patients are saying. I think it's Scots.
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CTznOfTime
dont bother explainin, i am sure it's the best joke around... but this is i feel a rather very cultural/language thing
because i have no idea what the hell is funny in this :odd:
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It is a most excellent joke. All 3 of the parts in Scots are poems by Robert Burns, and the joke is a play on words between Burns (Robert) and burns (by heat/flame.)

The first bit is "Address to a haggis" - http://www.robertburns.org.uk/Assets/Poems_Songs/toahaggis.htm

The 2nd bit is the "Selkirk Grace" - https://www.scotsman.com/heritage-a...-tradition-come-and-whats-translation-3111529

The 3rd bit is from "To a mouse" - https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/43816/to-a-mouse-56d222ab36e33
 
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It might also help to point out that it was Burns' Night here in Scotland on Monday 💡

Scotland's official 'national day' is St. Andrew's Day in November, but in reality it is not widely 'celebrated', whereas Burns' Night is Scotland's de facto 'national day', where people get together for a traditional Scottish dinner (the Burns' supper) where we eat haggis, neeps (turnips) and tatties (potatoes), with a dram of whisky. It's traditional also to recite Burns' poems at different parts of the supper.

I took the whole Burns concept a step further on Monday and burned my fingers taking the haggis out of the oven.
 
daan
It is a most excellent joke. All 3 of the parts in Scots are poems by Robert Burns, and the joke is a play on words between Burns (Robert) and burns (by heat/flame.)

The first bit is "Address to a haggis" - http://www.robertburns.org.uk/Assets/Poems_Songs/toahaggis.htm

The 2nd bit is the "Selkirk Grace" - https://www.scotsman.com/heritage-a...-tradition-come-and-whats-translation-3111529

The 3rd bit is from "To a mouse" - https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/43816/to-a-mouse-56d222ab36e33
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Touring Mars
It might also help to point out that it was Burns' Night here in Scotland on Monday 💡

Scotland's official 'national day' is St. Andrew's Day in November, but in reality it is not widely 'celebrated', whereas Burns' Night is Scotland's de facto 'national day', where people get together for a traditional Scottish dinner (the Burns' supper) where we eat haggis, neeps (turnips) and tatties (potatoes), with a dram of whisky. It's traditional also to recite Burns' poems at different parts of the supper.

I took the whole Burns concept a step further on Monday and burned my fingers taking the haggis out of the oven.
Click to expand...
As someone with Scots heritage dating back to the highlands near Brora, it all makes perfect sense to me.
 
I don't know how many farts I've done in my lifetime.

But I'm sure is asstronomical.


Jerome
 
Roo
Now I have Heinzsight.
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open-uri20120930-8545-hn4uvd.jpg
 
Two hunters are in the woods when one collapses not breathing. The other guy calls 999; "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
 
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheque.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him: "how would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days"?

To which he replied: that would be fine with me".

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
 

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